I thought it was crazy too, but hear me out.

[Anonymous]

My husband had a falling out with his parents that goes beyond something that will ever be repaired. It's been several years and since then we've had two children ages 3 and 8 months. My husband has recently been working. On his feelings and anger towards his parents and one thing he mentioned he wanted us to consider is changing our last name (which would mean changing a the boy's last names too obviously.) He feels that his name, something he has to deal with every day is makes him angry and sad and all kinds of other emotions that he wants to erase from his life. He has apparently thought about this a lot and wants me seriously consider it.

Aside from the logistics of it all (which seem a little overwhelming to say the least), I'm just not sure about how hard this would be. My kids barely know their last names (if at all) so that's not really an issue and I don't mind changing mine, especially if it means so much to him.

Has anyone ever done this? Any thoughts? Things I haven't considered? Pros or cons?

Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Sorry for all the typos - too early and typing on my old, old computer!

[Anonymous]

I think your husband is looking for a fix for feelings that will last a lifetime. If you grant his wish, the feelings and anger will not go away.

This is similar to moving across the country to deal with a major life issue. You take the issue with you. There is no cure for these problems. I wish it were that simple.

[Anonymous]

Im sorry but this is the dumbest thing i have ever heard. He is just doing it out of anger and to get back at them. I wouldnt do it and like previous poster said, tackle the issue or just let it go. I doubt the last name has anything to do with the actual issue. He needs to grow up.

[Anonymous]

I actually don't think this is ridiculous at all. I do think you and your h will have a few years of splainin to do and should come up with a good, short response. And consider changing the whole family to your maiden name.

[Anonymous]

I'm another poster who doesn't think it's ridiculous. Seems like a cosmetic change, but it might end up feeling like more than that. A lot of our identity is wrapped up in our names, at a conscious and subconscious level.

[Anonymous]

What does he want to change it to? Your maiden name?

Agree with PP that it's not going to have the effect he is hoping for.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I know it's controversial, and trust me we have talked extensively about how this isn't "fixing" anything and he seems aware of that. It's more about what the PP said, his identity and our children's identities (who are both boys btw so would likely carry this on) are connected to this name and my husband (and I?) would rather them be connected to something we create and sustain. My maiden name wouldn't work at all so we'd create our own last name for the four of us. And to be honest, as tired as I already am thinking of the logistics of all this, I do kind of like the idea that we would be creating something that's just "ours" so that the poison of his family (and trust me, it's bad) isn't something we all were tied to.

[Anonymous]

MIL did it for similar reasons. Appears to have no regrets. Of course she had no minor children at the time, so she made the decision for herself, not for other people. Family has gotten so used to it I don't think anyone thinks of it as unusual anymore.

[Anonymous]

A friend of mine did something similar, but at a younger age. He grew up with his stepfather's last name. His mom and stepfather got a divorce when he was in high school. When he went to college, he changed his last name to be that of his bio-father's. So it was at a point of change for him anyway.

If it's something he feels very strongly about, I'd consider it.

[Anonymous]

I am really curious why your maiden name wouldn't work.

Are you all trying to hide from them as well?

[Anonymous]

#1 my maiden name sounds terrible with my kids first name (think speech problem waiting to happen)

#2 moving to my family would sort of defeat the whole
Purpose of why we feel we might do this. We'd be aiming to create something that is new and tied to the four of us. We have a great relationship with my family but that would seem like we're really out to spite his family in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

I'm 6:56 and I agree that if you do this, you choose a brand new name as part of the "healing process."

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's that crazy, but I agree with PP that it will not change his feelings of anger. He needs to work through it, this is just a way of trying to run away from it.

[Anonymous]

7:05 This is the dumbest thing you've ever heard? You may not think they should do it but I'd probably guess it's NOT the dumbest thing you've ever heard.