Reply to Losing respect for my husband

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[quote=Anonymous]OP, I've been in your place.

I think previous posters (even the mean ones) have brought up some important points. Even if you are "blameless" (by this I mean behaving ethically toward him, in good faith), your actions and responses influence his behavior. Something you are doing/saying, or NOT doing/saying may be telling him that lying to you is a better idea than telling the truth.

In my case, dh had decided (in his own mind) that he didn't want to be a husband and father anymore. He started acting more and more like a bachelor-- less parenting, less housework, spending more and more money (secretly) on himself. He had never been a very good husband or dad in the first place, and I knew from experience that he reacted poorly to "being told what to do."

I was afraid to confront him, because he took ANY criticism-- even completely valid and gently delivered-- as an attack. I had learned that he would become angry at ME, but wouldn't change the behavior. So, at first I let him slide, and picked up the slack myself. Apparently, this made him feel like he'd hit the jackpot, and he started acting even more like a frat boy.

Then I got exhausted and frustrated, and let snark and sarcasm slip into my responses to him. Bad idea. Now he had "evidence" that I was a "nagging bitch," and felt justified in his actions. Things got worse.

I thought hard about saving my marriage, and decided to really try. I started speaking the truth to dh again, instead of avoiding or snarking. It didn't change his actions, but at least I felt like I was being honest and engaged in our marriage. I told him I'd leave him if we didn't try counseling. We did, for a year.

Counseling was really useful. I learned which of MY behaviors had been counterproductive, and enabled dh to act like a jerk. I got advice on better ways to act, and better ways to deal with dh's choices. It was affirming (but depressing) to hear that the counselor thought I had been doing my best, and that dh was the one who needed to really work on himself.

Dh, unfortunately, refused to make any of the changes the counselor suggested. He admitted, honestly, that even though he largely agreed with the counselor, he was just not WILLING to change.

Well, it wasn't the answer I was hoping for, but as least it was an answer.  I (eventually) divorced him with a clear conscience.

Hopefully, your story will end more happily. But, either way, self-examination, a sincere conversation with your dh, and counseling are in order.  [/quote]

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