My therapist thinks I need a divorce, and I would rather kill myself than be alone again.
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Anonymous
| If your DH will go to counseling with you if you ask, why don't you ask him to go to counseling with you?? If you want to have a baby, you should ideally have a functional marriage, and you might as well try to make the marriage you have function before you consider the single-parent route. |
Anonymous
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OP, I am so sorry for your loss. I am sure it is a big part of your pain right now, but as someone who has been in an emotionally abusive relationship, I can tell you that the abuse is an even bigger cause of your unhappiness. You need to focus on getting away from it -- either your husband agrees that he is being abusive and seriously commits to getting help today or you leave. I'm sorry to tell you those are the only options. Sometimes in life we only get to choose between sucky options.
I am concerned about the way you speak about the abuse -- "occasionally" and that it alternates with ignoring you or being sweet to you. This is the classic abusive cycle that keeps so many in relationships way too long -- as it has you. Every time the sweetness comes back the abused person thinks that is the "real" person and that if the couple just works hard enough on the "relationship" then things will get better. In retrospect, I wish I had seen the abuse in my relationship earlier. I wasted years with an abusive person and that is time you recognize that you don't have. l am now a single mom with two kids. Having to raise kids with a difficult co-parent (either in or out of a relationship) is even harder than when I am just on my own with the kids. We are a "family" even without a Dad. And, as my kids grow, I expand that sense of "family" to include other relatives and good longstanding friends. I do not know why you say, "if I leave him I will never be a mother"? There are plenty of options for conceiving outside a relationship these days. Are you saying that you can't afford financially to do it on your own? If so, then given the way you describe your current relationship, you should probably reconsider whether conceiving in the relationship is a wise idea. Your therapist is absolutely right about the effects of maternal depression on children. But, a big part of your depression sounds situational -- both due to the pregnancy loss and the bigger picture that you know your life is not going the way you want it in important ways, i.e. the abuse. I think if you focused more on what YOU could do to change YOUR life to move it in the direction that you want to go, you would find the depression lifting (possibly with the help of medication). IME, a major consequence of the abusive relationship is a kind of loss of "agency," i.e. the feeling that one has any control over one's life. I think in domestic violence writing this is called "learned helplessness". When one starts taking steps to get back "agency," one feels better. Please do some reading on emotional abuse and the abusive cycle. |
Anonymous
| I'm very sorry you're struggling so much. I do hope you're using medication to help you through this time. I was very resistant at first but finally yielded to it. I wish I'd done it sooner. With the kid of depression you're dealing with, it can reach a point that non-pharmacological interventions aren't effective. Taking medication, even for a short time, can help your brain re-balance itself. It doesn't need to be so difficult. Hugs. |
Anonymous
| The title of your email refers to killing yourself...and you are actively trying to conceive?!?! |
Anonymous
I would never kill myself - I have too much to live for; I am very fortunate in many ways - I just feel a lot of despair at the moment and feel sometimes that I would like a break from waking up in the morning. I have a wonderful family and couldn't harm them by harming myself. I spoke with my husband (as I have in the past) and he feels terrible - he's really beating himself up. He wants to go to counseling with me, and also on his own. To be clear - his anger is almost never directed at me, I'm just caught in the crossfire when he loses his shit about other things. I have been medicated for depression in the past and I really don't like the way it makes me feel. I usually do a good job of managing my mental state by getting exercise and sunshine and generally being kind to myself. The PP who said it was situational and caused more by my marital strife than losing my baby is probably right. I'm not ready to give up on the marriage. |
Anonymous
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OP, I didn't read through all of the posts, but here are a few thoughts.
1) It's probably not a good idea to do any drastic change while you are still grieving. They say when a person loses a spouse, they should wait a year before making any big changes to be sure they do it with a clear head. I think that you should at least give yourself some more time to grieve the loss of your child before making any big decisions -- that includes having another child. 2) So make sure you are using birth control because it doesn't sound like you are in a good place in your marriage or in your own emotional state to have a baby. I actually think it is irresponsible to try to have a child if you suspect BEFORE having the child that the marriage isn't going to work out and you will be an unhappy single mom "tethered" to someone who might be a borderline abusive parent. 3) You mention a therapist, but I didn't see any mention of a psychiatrist. It sounds like you are very depressed, and while therapy is good, you might benefit short term from some sort of medication to at least help lift you out of the deep pit of despair you seem to be in. If you haven't already done so, schedule an appointment for a psychiatrist. 4) I don't agree that singledom is anathema to this world. There are plenty of adult women who are single and happy. The divorce rate is, what, 50 percent? So unless you have issues dating a divorced man, it just isn't true that there won't be single men to date as you get older. I have seen countless posts on DCUM alone of women who say they are happier alone and divorced than they were in an unhappy marriage. So if you find that your marriage can't be improved, that your husband is abusive -- physically or emotionally -- don't stay just out of fear of being alone. But seriously, before making any big decisions, see a psychiatrist. It sounds like you need some immediate help. Therapy is great, but it is a long-term solution. Sometimes people are in such a huge pit of depression that they need medication to at least get them to a place where the depression is at least lifted enough so that they can think clearly and then work on the long-term things. Best of luck. Grief and depression make everything look hopeless. But it isn't hopeless. |
Anonymous
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OP - I'm so sorry for your loss. I know your pain is great. I'm praying for healing for your heart today. Hang in there.
Let me encourage you to let your husband go to counseling with you. He probably wants to help you grieve through this but doesn't know how to be there for you. He may feel awkward. I'm sure he doesn't grasp the depth of your pain. Abusive behavior of any kind is unacceptable in a marriage. But before you decide you need to walk away from the relationship entirely, it's important to try and understand what's fueling his anger and rage and see if change is possible. He may have issues that go back to his childhood that he's never dealt with before. I've seen people change dramatically when they realize they have these fears and insecurities driving their lives and sabotaging their happiness. I'm not suggesting you stay in an abusive relationship. You're the only one on this board who knows the severity of it and whether or not change is possible. Hope this helps in some small way. If you need support through all of this, I would recommend reaching out to a non-profit, ministry based counseling service like Focus on the Family. There's no charge for their services and they are always so pleasant. God bless you! #Livn'ItUpInCO #JesusChangedMyLife |
Anonymous
The thing is, what you're currently doing isn't enough to manage this depression. It may have worked in the past but it's not working now. Your post screams of someone struggling with a major depressive episode, not situational. I've taken a number of different anti-depressants and understand how much the side effects can suck. That's why you need to work with a psychiatrist skilled in managing depression. |
Anonymous
+1 Adding a child and all of the physical and financial stresses new parenthood brings to the mix will make it all worse. |
Anonymous
| Don't have a baby with an abusive person. Get a divorce, and have a baby on your own. |
Anonymous
So in addition to seeing a relationship counselor, you should see a psychiatrist for your preference to do bodily harm to yourself too? It looks like you don't even get along with yourself. The bottom line is that you are the common denominator here. Get help. |
Anonymous
| OP, have you considered having a one night stand with a guy you find to be attractive, and then raising the child as a single mother? It's what I would do in your situation. I'm sorry you are in it but this is an option you have... |
Anonymous
I wouldn't choose to be a single mom. I'm just not that brave, and also I don't make a lot of money. |
Anonymous
I adopted a newborn as a single mom (mid-40's) just last year---best thing I ever did! Good luck to you, OP... |
Anonymous
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OP, you are staying in this marriage for the wrong reason.
And this is the most common reason people end up staying in miserable relationships/marriages too. No one wants to be alone. They think like you, that the world is not geared toward single people. That if you are single, you are looked down upon as a loser and that you are never ever "complete" until you find your "better half." Well, I may be in the minority here so flame away everyone!! What I believe....is that it is much worse to be with someone in a relationship and be extremely miserable and depressed all the time than to be alone and content. Who cares what anyone else thinks? Even though you have a ring on your finger, you probably still feel just as lonely at times as single women do, right??! Your relationship status does not define you as a woman or a person and if you think it does, then that is a very sad reason to put up with verbal abuse and intimidation OP. It is your life and your choice, but life is to be celebrated...Not endured and I do not see this situation getting any better. You know what you have to do. |