My therapist thinks I need a divorce, and I would rather kill myself than be alone again.

[Anonymous]

I'm in a deep depression, resulting from late-term pregnancy loss and feeling trapped in my marriage because this world is not built for single people and I fear being alone again. My husband is occasionally abusive (verbal; intimidation), and splits the rest of the time between ignoring me and being very loving and sweet. He will go to counseling if I ask. I married later in life only a few years ago. I guess, aside from his temper, we are not a great match - differing interests and communication styles, the sex is neither good nor frequent. But I was getting on in years and wanted a family. I know that if I leave him I will probably never be a mother; but if I stay I may wind up a single mom tethered to him for the rest of my life. Not really looking for advice, I guess, I just needed to put this out into the world. I feel hopeless. I am so sad. I don't know how to grieve for my baby and i'm afraid I'll soon be mourning my marriage too.

[Anonymous]

Your reasons for staying in your marriage don't sound very good. You deserve better. Have you considered adoption?

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so sorry for your loss.
How old are you? And does your therapist do CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy)? You have some patterns of thought that, if adjusted, could do you a world of good.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry for your loss OP. DH and I had an infant death at 2 months. It was a very dark time and I thhought I wanted to divorce too. Remember you are both grieving, and may do so differently. First, try to get what is necessary to help your healing. Separate that from the issues of he marriage for now, Take time to grieve. So much is happening hormonolla wise, emotional...and it stresses he best marriages.

I would recommend looking for an infant loss grief counselor -- a divorce is not something to go through now. Even if you do it later you want to be clear headed.

In our case, after a year things got better. I also got RX which helped. I still grieve my baby, as does DH. We did have another child later, and things are so different now.
You may be focusing on the worst of everything. Try to take things day by day for now and seek a second objective opinion from someone at specializes in infant loss, and couples counseling.

My heartfelt wishes for your peace and healing.

[Anonymous]

Never make such a decision when you are depressed

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.

I think you should find a counselor who is more familiar with infant loss. And you said your DH is willing to go, that is a good thing-I think it would really help you both. I think you guys need to approach things from that angle. Best wishes.

[Anonymous]

You could also go the sperm donor route.

[Anonymous]

Keep to the therapy. Keep asking yourself questions. Right now everything is about fear. Soon, with the help of your therapist, that fog will clear and you will have some answers for yourself.

It's work, whatever you decide to do. It's a matter of figuring out where best to spend your energy: working on this marriage, or a new life for yourself.

Deal with the issues now, especially your fear of being alone.

I'm a single mom. I've never, ever regretted having my children, but boy did I waste my time trying to convince their father to be a participant in our lives. Being "alone" is NOT the worst thing. Just ask anyone in a truly terrible marriage.

Work through the fear. Keep asking yourself questions. Stick with the counseling.

[Anonymous]

Get another therapist who respects and understands the importance of marriage

[Anonymous]

I'm sure I'll be flamed for writing this but here goes. I'd rather be a single parent than never experience motherhood but that's me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get another therapist who respects and understands the importance of marriage

Not helpful. The goal right now is not to save your marriage - it is to mourn the baby and get out of depression. If you need to separate (could be temporarily) to do that, that could be fine. But I agree that OP needs a new therapist if this therapist is not addressing her depression, helping her grieve, and is instead focusing on the relalationship.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry for the loss of your baby. I have been through it and know how tough it is. I would suggest that you don't do anything drastic right now. There is no need to make an immediate decision.

If your husband is willing to go to counseling, I would definitely try that route (when you feel ready for it). Obviously, I don't know either of you but I assume that he also has some good qualities. If he is sticking with you through your depression, that says something about his loyalty.

Give yourself permission to grieve and take your time on this. Your husband is not perfect, but he may offer you more than you realize. Shared interests are not necessary, but respect for one another is required. Don't give up on your dream of having a family or a child.

[Anonymous]

Your therapist shouldn't be advising you to get a divorce, he/she should be helping you resolve the issue for yourself. (unless it involves physical abuse)

I would suggest finding a therapist who specializes in pregnancy loss to help you deal with that specific issue.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thank you all for your feedback.

To clear a few things up: I am seeing the therapist through a grief counseling center, and though I lost the baby several months ago I am only now starting to see her on a regular basis as the sadness catches up with me. (I have been burying myself in work until now.)

I am honestly terrified of being a single mother; I always wanted a family, but never just a child, if that makes sense. My husband also very much wants to be a father and we are actively trying to conceive again.

My therapist didn't advise divorce exactly - she confirmed that my husband's (intermittent) behavior is not acceptable and that my mental state makes this a bad time to be making any major decisions, including getting divorced or getting pregnant. She feels that my current situation is not a healthy environment for a baby and a depressed mother is very bad for a child.

I wish I had years to sort it all out but I am about 40 so I'm feeling tremendous pressure - to make the marriage work, to get pregnant again, and financially too, as I am currently the breadwinner in our household and we cannot afford to move to a larger home.

[Anonymous]

Your therapist told you that you and your marriage are a mess and that you shouldn't rush into having a baby or divorcing. So listen to her. Having a baby makes everything harder, so your bad marriage will get much worse. You will be more of a mess mentally. How is that fair to a child? You're not thinking of how it will be for the child. You're being selfish.