what to do when MIL encourages lying?

[Anonymous]

PP here, my phone entered too soon.

Anyway just accept they went and did something fun, created some memories between them, and move on. Just ask if they had fun and I'd they've eaten recently. That's all you need to know. I know I'll get flamed for this, but really, I can't think of a single time my mom asked what we did when I came home from my grandma's or my dad's.

Also, lying isa developmentally appropriate milestone all kids eventually reach. Even yours. She's going to figure it out regardless of what you her and the more strict you are on stuff, sugar, TV, etc the more your kid will hide it and you'll end up in the dark regarding your kids life. Lighten up. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Does your DH also object to this? It's his mother; if he agrees with you, he needs to speak up. The primary question is whether you and your husband are in agreement.

Sorry, 9:09, but I disagree that grandparents and kids should "keep secrets" from the kid's parents. Maybe the OP is too rigid about the ice cream, but I think she has a point about the "lying" or "secrets" or whatever you want to call it.

[Anonymous]

When MIL says "don't tell Mommy" as a joke, reply with "truthfulness is the foundation of virtue" and leave it at that for the moment. When you're alone with MIL, let her know that you respect her grandmotherly rights to dole out extra servings of ice cream, so there's no need to feel ashamed of innocent outings like this, and most importantly, honesty is very important to you and you want MIL & your child to feel like you can talk to her about anything, so please don't encourage covering things up.

[Anonymous]

Our rule is that no grownup should ask our child to keep a secret from or tell a lie to us. And we talk about the difference between a secret (which you never tell) and a surprise (which you eventually tell), and how the former is bad and the latter is fine.

I would be really frank: "Look, MIL, you know that we try to limit Larla's sugar because it affects her badly. But I also know that you like to get her little treats sometimes, and that's fine. That's kind of what grandmothers do. But what's not fine is you encouraging her not to tell us the truth about it. I want you and Larla to be able to spend lots of time together, but if you lie to me about what you do when you are with her, or encourage her not to tell us what you did, even if it's something innocent, it makes it harder for me to trust you. Please just tell me the truth about what you do."

[Anonymous]

I think I would just say to my kid "Oh, grandma is just being silly. Of course you know that you always tell Mommy and Daddy the truth. Now tell me about the fun time that you had with grandma."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here, my phone entered too soon.

Anyway just accept they went and did something fun, created some memories between them, and move on. Just ask if they had fun and I'd they've eaten recently. That's all you need to know. I know I'll get flamed for this, but really, I can't think of a single time my mom asked what we did when I came home from my grandma's or my dad's.

Also, lying isa developmentally appropriate milestone all kids eventually reach. Even yours. She's going to figure it out regardless of what you her and the more strict you are on stuff, sugar, TV, etc the more your kid will hide it and you'll end up in the dark regarding your kids life. Lighten up. Seriously.

You don't have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here, my phone entered too soon.

Anyway just accept they went and did something fun, created some memories between them, and move on. Just ask if they had fun and I'd they've eaten recently. That's all you need to know. I know I'll get flamed for this, but really, I can't think of a single time my mom asked what we did when I came home from my grandma's or my dad's.

Also, lying isa developmentally appropriate milestone all kids eventually reach. Even yours. She's going to figure it out regardless of what you her and the more strict you are on stuff, sugar, TV, etc the more your kid will hide it and you'll end up in the dark regarding your kids life. Lighten up. Seriously.

You don't have kids.

you do realize it's possible to not be a controlling helicopter parent and still have kid, right? People can parent differently than you.

[Anonymous]

I would not have a problem with them getting a treat, even if it was right before dinner. I'm just assuming this is not a weekly thing though. I would be pissed that she was telling my 3 yr old to lie to me. I would absolutely say something about that.

[Anonymous]

I would simply say, "You are teaching our child to be dishonest to us. That is totally unacceptable. If there are any further examples of you teaching your grandchild to be dishonest or otherwise undermining our parenting, you will never be allowed alone with our child again."

I don't care about the sugar, but the intentional dishonesty is SUCH an egregious violation of our core values that I would absolutely cut off a grandparent's access to the child. That's staggering. Who teaches a child to be dishonest?!?!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here, my phone entered too soon.

Anyway just accept they went and did something fun, created some memories between them, and move on. Just ask if they had fun and I'd they've eaten recently. That's all you need to know. I know I'll get flamed for this, but really, I can't think of a single time my mom asked what we did when I came home from my grandma's or my dad's.

Also, lying isa developmentally appropriate milestone all kids eventually reach. Even yours. She's going to figure it out regardless of what you her and the more strict you are on stuff, sugar, TV, etc the more your kid will hide it and you'll end up in the dark regarding your kids life. Lighten up. Seriously.

You don't have kids.

you do realize it's possible to not be a controlling helicopter parent and still have kid, right? People can parent differently than you.

You do realize it's not normal or healthy for an adult to encourage a child to keep secrets from a parent, right? That's what makes me think pp does not have a child.

[Anonymous]

We tell our preschooler 'surprise' (basically delayed telling) is ok but 'secret' is not. I can't remember where but I read it in connection with prevention of child abuse. So while I'd ok with grandma buying kid ice cream, I won't be ok with 'it's a secret' part. Perhaps next time it happens, tell your DC, in front of grandma, that 'no secrets in this family' and tell grandma later that you are doing 'no secret' rule.

[Anonymous]

This continues, I'm sorry we cannot allow you to take daughter out and have things we have asked you not to feed her and then ask her to lie about it. You are free to visit with daughter when we are with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is more "secret keeping" than lying. And I would not like either one.

Just tell MIL that, as a safety issue, you do not want your young child keeping secrets from you. That this could make her susceptible to strangers telling her the same thing -- don't tell mommy. And that's a terrible idea.

I agree with this. Your MIL is planting the idea in your child's head that she doesn't have to be honest with you, when that honesty is really necessary for successful parenting and a healthy relationship. It's dangerous to create a taste for secrecy, and a habit of obeying instructions to "not tell Mommy."

Ask your MIL why she feels the need to instill this value of sneakiness, and don't let her joke about it or try to brush it off. Get your spouse involved in this, too, and nip it in the bud.

[Anonymous]

If your daughter has an issue with sugar then the ice cream would bother me as much as the encouraging to lie. I've seen the reaction, and it is completely unfair for your MIL to put your daughter through that.

Secondly, nobody encourages my kids to lie to me. I wouldn't hand it over to DH. I would tell MIL flat out that if she continues to encourage lying, she won't be taking DD out alone. It isn't a secret, or a surprise.

If she will do this with a 3 year old over ice cream, what else will she do later?

[Anonymous]

To me this isn't a question of whether it's right to restrict sugar or whether grandparents and grandkids can have special activities that are a little like spoiling. It's about whether it is acceptable for an adult to encourage a child to keep secrets from parents and admonish them for telling the truth. To me this is totally unacceptable.

I'd give your MIL the benefit of the doubt as to why she is doing this and assume no harm. Hopefully she has no negative intentions and this is her way of trying to have a special relationship with her granddaughter.

Along those lines, I would express how much you appreciate (even if this means lying through your teeth) that she wants to be close to your DD, that you support it and love that they have "special time" together or whatever. But that the rule is, this has to be done in an open way. Maybe give her some guidelines--you can go for ice cream x times or on certain days, but that the bottom line is it needs to be open.

If she can't agree to that for such a young child, this would be a huge problem for me.