what to do when MIL encourages lying?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here, my phone entered too soon.

Anyway just accept they went and did something fun, created some memories between them, and move on. Just ask if they had fun and I'd they've eaten recently. That's all you need to know. I know I'll get flamed for this, but really, I can't think of a single time my mom asked what we did when I came home from my grandma's or my dad's.

Also, lying isa developmentally appropriate milestone all kids eventually reach. Even yours. She's going to figure it out regardless of what you her and the more strict you are on stuff, sugar, TV, etc the more your kid will hide it and you'll end up in the dark regarding your kids life. Lighten up. Seriously.

Whoa. Not only is the bolded WRONG, it's also dangerous advice. I'm a social worker and you are giving horrible advice if you think that just because kids do often lie, that somehow parents should not address it and address it with seriousness when it happens. A prior PP was exactly right that even though OP's MIL no doubt sees no harm (and maybe even thinks there's some good in "challenging authority"), it DOES put kids at greater risk of sexual abuse and other victimization if they believe that it's ok to keep secrets from their parents. A key way to decrease the liklihood of child victimization is to communicate with both your child and family/friends that one thing that is non-negotiable is secrets. It confuses children and creates a world where the child feels like to please the adult they need to hide something from their parent. NOT OK. And when the child knows it's about something the parent would object to, it's even more confusing, even if the child is psyched to get suger and loves hanging with grandma.

I'm mom to a 5 yr old. We joke a lot and her dad has a kind of warped sense of humor, but one thing we are really clear with her about is that she needs to always tell us the truth. We may be upset with her sometimes, and sometimes there may be consequences she doesn't like, but we will always listen, and we will always love her, no matter how bad whatever it is is. Even at 5 we've also already told her a little that anyone who encourages her to keep secrets from us probably is not really a friend and she should tell us. She doesn't have to tell them that, but she should always tell us.

OP, absolutely explain to your MIL (or have your DH do it, since it's his mom) that while you know she thinks it's funny or that the rules don't apply to her because she's grandma, this is about much more than her just taking your kid for ice cream. It shows she doesn't respect your rules, which you have an issue with, and more importantlly it can put your child in danger. Explain that part, maybe show her an article or two, and ask her to respect your parenting choices.

There is one thing though I should have asked from the beginning: does your DH agree with the "no sugar" and "lying is a big deal" stances? If he doesn't, that's a different issue, because you guys aren't on the same page and this is his mom. So does he agree and can he talk to his mom about all this?

[Anonymous]

Regardless of what MIL does, you can teach your daughter that she should never keep secrets from her parents no matter who tells her she should. I taught DS from a very young age that if someone says to him, "Don't tell your mommy" that it really means he should tell me right away so I can make sure he's safe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good question -- its her style to question authority. She loves to flaunt the fact that rules do not apply to her. and in my house -- i would probably be seen as the authority figure. the only person in her life she even remotely listens to is my husband. even then, in a limited sense.

(yes, I am a sugar Nazi as it always ends poorly. my 3 yr old cannot handle it.)

This has been as clearly proven to be untrue as vax hysteria.

If your child behaves badly after sugar, it's likely for one of two reasons 1) You excuse his behavior after sugar, and so don't deal with it consistently, or 2) He's reacting to your overreaction or his fear of your overreaction.

What you MIL is doing is not OK, but you sound crazy and controlling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good question -- its her style to question authority. She loves to flaunt the fact that rules do not apply to her. and in my house -- i would probably be seen as the authority figure. the only person in her life she even remotely listens to is my husband. even then, in a limited sense.

(yes, I am a sugar Nazi as it always ends poorly. my 3 yr old cannot handle it.)

This has been as clearly proven to be untrue as vax hysteria.

If your child behaves badly after sugar, it's likely for one of two reasons 1) You excuse his behavior after sugar, and so don't deal with it consistently, or 2) He's reacting to your overreaction or his fear of your overreaction.

What you MIL is doing is not OK, but you sound crazy and controlling.

Wow the levels of wrong and misleading information on this one thread is shocking! PP you are clueless. Google "impacts of refined sugar" as a starting place and educate yourself. There are all kinds of real, evidence- based negative relationships that individual people's bodies can have with sugar, you show just how uninformed you are when you allege it's as questionable as the vax hysteria. Sugar impacting behavior of children and adults is real. Educate yourself and stop throwing out BS as fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I might actually say something in front of her- my MIL pulled something similar but not as bad about "secrets" (which basically also amounted to sugar consumption) and I said, to daughter, now remember even when another adult asks you to keep a secret unless it's something about a Christmas present, you don't keep secrets from your parents... that's exactly when you need to tell us. MIL immediately connection bt sexual predators and what she was modeling and ceased.

This is the issue for me - you don't teach my child to lie to me...

Correct: You do not teach my child to lie to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I might actually say something in front of her- my MIL pulled something similar but not as bad about "secrets" (which basically also amounted to sugar consumption) and I said, to daughter, now remember even when another adult asks you to keep a secret unless it's something about a Christmas present, you don't keep secrets from your parents... that's exactly when you need to tell us. MIL immediately connection bt sexual predators and what she was modeling and ceased.

This is the issue for me - you don't teach my child to lie to me...

+1 this is an issue, but you also have to make sure you leave room for tall tales.

For example, my kids thought for a long time that if they flapped their arms at the same time they passed gas, they could take off like a bird. (Thank you grandpa for telling the kids that bird fly because they eat a high fiber diet and the wing just steer their fart power.) We still make jokes about launching and when we see a younger cousin flap his arms, we know what they just did!