what to do when MIL encourages lying?

[Anonymous]

example: 3 yr old and MIL went out and got ice cream -- when they come home and i ask what they did, MIL instructs 3 yr old to not say anything. or admonishes her for telling the truth. "don't tell mommy" is a common phrase i hear, then laughs, as if I am not suppose to take it seriously. would appreciate any stock phrases -- just coming up blank. do not want to be bitchy, but want to hold my ground... typically i am able to think on my feet -- but this is so completely egregious, i am not sure where to start.

[Anonymous]

Why is she doing this? I mean, do you have a history of getting pissed if MIL takes her out for ice cream?

[Anonymous]

I would say something to her later about how you're fine with her spoiling your kid a bit, but not with encouraging him/her to lie about it.

[Anonymous]

Good question -- its her style to question authority. She loves to flaunt the fact that rules do not apply to her. and in my house -- i would probably be seen as the authority figure. the only person in her life she even remotely listens to is my husband. even then, in a limited sense.

(yes, I am a sugar Nazi as it always ends poorly. my 3 yr old cannot handle it.)

[Anonymous]

If your mother took your daughter out would you ask her the same question and feel the same rage ?

[Anonymous]

OP - my mom would ask me prior to, but no, the rage would not be there... but neither would the deception.

[Anonymous]

What does DH have to say? I'd ask him to address it: "Hey, Mom, I get that you want to have fun with our kid, but it's not cool to ask her to lie to us. And, frankly, we'd appreciate if you'd be honest with us about what she's had to eat so we can deal with the sugar high if there is one."

If you really hate it, or think that MIL's "don't follow the rules" mentality leads to safety issues, you don't let MIL babysit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does DH have to say? I'd ask him to address it: "Hey, Mom, I get that you want to have fun with our kid, but it's not cool to ask her to lie to us. And, frankly, we'd appreciate if you'd be honest with us about what she's had to eat so we can deal with the sugar high if there is one."

If you really hate it, or think that MIL's "don't follow the rules" mentality leads to safety issues, you don't let MIL babysit.

Agree with this. Are they getting ice cream on the way home or something? Because otherwise isn't your MIL left to deal with the crazy child your kid turns into with sugar? Maybe she thinks you're overreacting a little bit.

[Anonymous]

I think this is horrible, and something that no 3yo should be doing. I would revoke her privileges based on that. NOT the ice cream, but the lying about it.

[Anonymous]

I would absolutely address this with her. Maybe have your DH bring it up, but it's more serious than just needing a one line response. It's pretty dangerous to teach kids to lie to their parents. Giving your child ice cream when she knows you won't approve is pretty crappy, but teaching a 3 year old to lie is awful. I would definitely limit her time with your child if she doesn't take it seriously.

[Anonymous]

Your DH needs to talk to her. It's unacceptable. She's setting it up as your DC and her against you. If this is the only instance tho, and if you trust her to keep your DC safe, u could stop asking your DC in front of her.

[Anonymous]

I might actually say something in front of her- my MIL pulled something similar but not as bad about "secrets" (which basically also amounted to sugar consumption) and I said, to daughter, now remember even when another adult asks you to keep a secret unless it's something about a Christmas present, you don't keep secrets from your parents... that's exactly when you need to tell us. MIL immediately connection bt sexual predators and what she was modeling and ceased.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I might actually say something in front of her- my MIL pulled something similar but not as bad about "secrets" (which basically also amounted to sugar consumption) and I said, to daughter, now remember even when another adult asks you to keep a secret unless it's something about a Christmas present, you don't keep secrets from your parents... that's exactly when you need to tell us. MIL immediately connection bt sexual predators and what she was modeling and ceased.

This is the issue for me - you don't teach my child to lie to me...

[Anonymous]

I think this is more "secret keeping" than lying. And I would not like either one.

Just tell MIL that, as a safety issue, you do not want your young child keeping secrets from you. That this could make her susceptible to strangers telling her the same thing -- don't tell mommy. And that's a terrible idea.

[Anonymous]

Clearly I'm in the minority here, but I don't see the problem with a kid and a grandparent having a "secret" about what they did together. Obviously 3 is too young to understand an Ok secret (I've cream and a trip to the mall) vs a secret that shouldn't be kept (inappropriate touching.) overall I think you're making too much of this and it's a power play between you and MIL. You know mil is going to sugar your kid up, why do you insist on them telling you where they went and went they did? Just accept the kid went and did things they'd never do with you,