adopting a baby that probably has FAS

[Anonymous]

I read Dan Savage's book, "The Kid" - he and his partner adopted a baby whose biological mother drank heavily during pregnancy. They met with specialists before deciding whether to adopt. Turns out there is some controversy in the medical community as to whether FAS even exists, which was new to me. Their kid did not have FAS. It was interesting to read their decision process and it might be relevant to you. But the book otherwise can be pretty raunchy (when talking about dating his boyfriend).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was going to write out a bunch of stuff here, as a step-mom of a very disabled adult child (low functioning autism) and as someone whose friend has an adopted child with FAS who faces many of the same challenges I do with respect to behavior, violence, and potential safety issues like darting in traffic, etc.

But the truth is that any child could have special needs. Any child could have an accident later in life that requires special care. Nothing is a given. I do think being a single parent of a kid with special needs is a huge challenge. I'm not sure if I could do it myself.

In your shoes, I'd get the child medically evaluated by someone who is familiar with FAS. There are other physical signs, like smaller head circumference, kidney issues, etc.

I think, realistically speaking, the baby might have some challenges due to his mother's drinking that don't necessarily rise to the level of FAS. He might have ADHD, for example, something many parents face. He may have worse vision.

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best.

thank you so much,

His head circumference is actually a much bigger percentile than the rest of him. He was 90th percentile for head circumference at birth, and like 50th percentile for general size. No known kidney issues though. He is short though, his length is like 20th percentile, and his legs do seem visibly short to me. He was born 1 week early and was 8.5 pounds. As far as vision goes, lol, everyone in our family wears glasses so I think that's pretty much a given!

[Anonymous]

If he has no issues now, my wholly uneducated guess is that he's probably fine. THe probablem with the FAS diagnosis, if I recall correctly, is that it includes a bunch of characteristics that are also present on non-FAS kids, like behavioral issues and whatnot. I think you are going to be fine and you two are very lucky to have each other

[Anonymous]

FAS is a mystery. We know that alcohol is bad for developing fetuses, but scientists are still working to pin down exactly how much alcohol, or in what pattern, or at what point in the pregnancy. It's also very hard to get a alcoholic woman to tell you exactly how much, and when they drank. There are absolutely kids who are exposed to significant amounts of alcohol and don't show symptoms or who show mild symptoms.

It sounds like you have some promising signs -- head circumference, self regulation, and I'm assuming the absence of physical features (because otherwise you would have mentioned them). Kids can have alcohol related effects without these things, but they are still very promising.

It might make sense to make an appointment with a developmental pediatrician who can watch him as he grows and provide reassurance, and/or suggestions for supporting him at various points in his early childhood. In the end, though, adopting any child is a leap of faith, and a decision only you can make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he has no issues now, my wholly uneducated guess is that he's probably fine. THe probablem with the FAS diagnosis, if I recall correctly, is that it includes a bunch of characteristics that are also present on non-FAS kids, like behavioral issues and whatnot. I think you are going to be fine and you two are very lucky to have each other

Thanks! This is what I was hoping to hear. Friends and family who have babysat have all commented on how he is so easy and never cries. Could that be a sign of alcohol damage? The fact that he never cries much or fusses and sleeps a lot?

He sleeps on a great schedule, I feed him at 8pm and he sleeps until midnight, then I feed him again then at midnight and he sleeps until 6:30- 7 am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FAS is a mystery. We know that alcohol is bad for developing fetuses, but scientists are still working to pin down exactly how much alcohol, or in what pattern, or at what point in the pregnancy. It's also very hard to get a alcoholic woman to tell you exactly how much, and when they drank. There are absolutely kids who are exposed to significant amounts of alcohol and don't show symptoms or who show mild symptoms.

It sounds like you have some promising signs -- head circumference, self regulation, and I'm assuming the absence of physical features (because otherwise you would have mentioned them). Kids can have alcohol related effects without these things, but they are still very promising.

It might make sense to make an appointment with a developmental pediatrician who can watch him as he grows and provide reassurance, and/or suggestions for supporting him at various points in his early childhood. In the end, though, adopting any child is a leap of faith, and a decision only you can make.

Thanks, I have googled all the physical symptoms of FAS, and he definitely doesn't have any. I will look inot a developmental pediatrician for him. He's such a sweet angel, I know I'll go through with the adoption no matter what, I guess I was just looking for some hope that he won't be affected by my sister's drinking. I don't think she did drugs at all (at least not to my knowledge), it was just alcohol.

[Anonymous]

Whatever you decide, I'm sure a lawyer will need to make attempts to figure out who the bio dad is in order to make sure he wants to give up his rights. You might want to repost this on the Special Needs Forum. I'm sure some folks there will have more info about FAS and recs for doctors that specialize it in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you decide, I'm sure a lawyer will need to make attempts to figure out who the bio dad is in order to make sure he wants to give up his rights. You might want to repost this on the Special Needs Forum. I'm sure some folks there will have more info about FAS and recs for doctors that specialize it in.

Thanks. My sister did not have at actual "boyfriend" so I'm assuming the father is probably a "hook up" that she never told. I don't really know how we would be able to find out who the bio father is. She went out to clubs/bars quite often...it's actually quite funny how different we were regarding sex and relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is absolutely not a given. Was this her first child? For reasons that aren't fully understood, first children rarely have FAS, even if the mother drank quite heavily.

I am so sorry for your loss, and wish you and your nephew the best.

Thank you very much, it's been really hard, and multiplied by the fact that the accident was her fault because she was drunk at the time. Luckily, no one else was hurt in the crash. He is her first live birth. She gave birth to a stillborn 2 years prior. At 3 months, should do you thing there be signs already if he does indeed have FAS?

I adopted a child who has FAS. No physical signs until he was 9 years old. My son is not the only child I know who had no physical signs until much older.

Sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is absolutely not a given. Was this her first child? For reasons that aren't fully understood, first children rarely have FAS, even if the mother drank quite heavily.

I am so sorry for your loss, and wish you and your nephew the best.

Thank you very much, it's been really hard, and multiplied by the fact that the accident was her fault because she was drunk at the time. Luckily, no one else was hurt in the crash. He is her first live birth. She gave birth to a stillborn 2 years prior. At 3 months, should do you thing there be signs already if he does indeed have FAS?

I adopted a child who has FAS. No physical signs until he was 9 years old. My son is not the only child I know who had no physical signs until much older.

Sorry for your loss.

What doesn't develop until later? I thought facial features were present from birth?

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't know anything about FAS, so I won't even go there.

All I can say is to echo the sentiment of the person saying do not adopt him if you're not "all in." I think this young child could have an all-in mom. If you can be that mom, then go for it. But, to my mind, a 3 month old baby deserves a mom to take care of him. Not a loving auntie who will dote on him but consider him not "a child of my own." I know that's tough, because of course that is the way you're thinking, and he is not your baby--yet. But if you adopt him, he's not your nephew anymore really - he would be your son. You would and should be mom just like anyone who would adopt him. If you can't be "mom" and will always think of yourself as "aunt" then I do not personally think there is ANY advantage to a kinship adoption whatsoever, because to me it's not okay to deprive this kid of an actual mom.

To me, the FAS is irrelevant because either you love him no matter what or you don't. Parenthood love has got to be unconditional. And of course you'd still love him with FAS, but I mean, he could have any number of disabilities with or without the FAS. If you would resent him or feel burdened by him, particularly because he's not yours, then that's not a good sign I think. You need to soul search.

I think if you don't already love him so much that the FAS issue, of this known and loved child, is irrelevant, then you may have your answer already. Give it LOTS of thought. Try to imagine your life without him as your son. If you can't, then you have your answer. If you can, I urge you to at least look in to an open adoption, where you can retain your auntie role.

BTW, don't take this for advice. It's only what I'd tell a friend in your situation, but ultimately only YOU can answer this one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is absolutely not a given. Was this her first child? For reasons that aren't fully understood, first children rarely have FAS, even if the mother drank quite heavily.

I am so sorry for your loss, and wish you and your nephew the best.

Thank you very much, it's been really hard, and multiplied by the fact that the accident was her fault because she was drunk at the time. Luckily, no one else was hurt in the crash. He is her first live birth. She gave birth to a stillborn 2 years prior. At 3 months, should do you thing there be signs already if he does indeed have FAS?

no "dent" on skin between nose and upper lip
thin upper lip
wide set eyes
small head circumference
heart defects
problems with kidneys
problems with bones

More here:
http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/fetal-alcohol-syndrome/basics/symptoms/con-20021015

[Anonymous]

I work in a newsroom and all the horrific stories I read about things people do to kids would stand your hair on end. This is a daily problem all over the country - the stories just don't rise to the level of national news - and foster and adopted kids are often the victims. That's not to say that the vast majority of adoptive parents aren't wonderful so I hope nobody will be offended. I only have one sister and she is a mom and has her shit together - I'd want her to adopt my kids if anything ever happened to DH and me. If it were me I would definitely adopt that kid, trusting that in your thirties you are mature enough to handle it, and that no one can love him like family. If you choose to put him up for adoption try to make it an open situation so you can be part of the kid's supportive team. Auntie X who can make sure he is getting the love and support he needs and answer (lovingly and truthfully in an age appropriate way) questions he's sure to have about his mom. Like pleasant childhood memories and places you went on vacation together, family recipes, medical history and what his grandparents were like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he has no issues now, my wholly uneducated guess is that he's probably fine. THe probablem with the FAS diagnosis, if I recall correctly, is that it includes a bunch of characteristics that are also present on non-FAS kids, like behavioral issues and whatnot. I think you are going to be fine and you two are very lucky to have each other

Thanks! This is what I was hoping to hear. Friends and family who have babysat have all commented on how he is so easy and never cries. Could that be a sign of alcohol damage? The fact that he never cries much or fusses and sleeps a lot?

He sleeps on a great schedule, I feed him at 8pm and he sleeps until midnight, then I feed him again then at midnight and he sleeps until 6:30- 7 am.

OP the PP is wrong. Some kids don't show problems relating to prenatal alcohol exposure until late elementary school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is absolutely not a given. Was this her first child? For reasons that aren't fully understood, first children rarely have FAS, even if the mother drank quite heavily.

I am so sorry for your loss, and wish you and your nephew the best.

Thank you very much, it's been really hard, and multiplied by the fact that the accident was her fault because she was drunk at the time. Luckily, no one else was hurt in the crash. He is her first live birth. She gave birth to a stillborn 2 years prior. At 3 months, should do you thing there be signs already if he does indeed have FAS?

I adopted a child who has FAS. No physical signs until he was 9 years old. My son is not the only child I know who had no physical signs until much older.

Sorry for your loss.

What doesn't develop until later? I thought facial features were present from birth?

Facial features change when kids lose their baby teeth and get their adult teeth. That's when my son developed the mouth features.