adopting a baby that probably has FAS

[Anonymous]

So, my sister died in a car accident and I am currently guardian of her 3 month old.  I am thinking of legally adopting her son.  The thing is, I am in my upper 30's and am hoping to find a man to get married to and have my own child, so I know that being a single mother will hamper that.  On top of that, my sister was a "functioning alcoholic"  and I'm quite sure she drank every day- a lot- while pregnant.  Thus, I'm afraid my nephew will have problems later in life, like behavioral and medical problems, that may further make problems with dating and finding a husband, and I'm also not financially well off either.  I want to care for him and keep him with family, but I'm afraid by doing that it will doom me to never getting married and having children of my own.  

He is a gorgeous baby, he has no outward physical signs at all of FAS.  He is also a very happy and easy baby.  He only cries when he is hungry, and otherwise is perfectly happy and quiet.  I know FAS babies are usually very fussy and colicky, but hel's not at all.  He's the most easy going baby I've ever met.   Is it possible that my sister's drinking didn't impact him at all, or am I just being irrational?  

I guess i'm going to adopt him anyway, but I'm just hoping someone will tell me that my sister's drinking may not affect him. Is that possible, or is it a given that he will have fas issues?

[Anonymous]

It is absolutely not a given. Was this her first child? For reasons that aren't fully understood, first children rarely have FAS, even if the mother drank quite heavily.

I am so sorry for your loss, and wish you and your nephew the best.

[Anonymous]

If he is not showing any physical signs of FAS at this point, he may not have FAS. You have to drink a LOT to give a kid FAS. She may have been drinking, but not to that level.

You are awesome, BTW, for adopting this baby. On the other hand, you have to know that you don't have to. The baby is young and apparently healthy. He could be placed for adoption, pretty easily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is absolutely not a given. Was this her first child? For reasons that aren't fully understood, first children rarely have FAS, even if the mother drank quite heavily.

I am so sorry for your loss, and wish you and your nephew the best.

Thank you very much, it's been really hard, and multiplied by the fact that the accident was her fault because she was drunk at the time. Luckily, no one else was hurt in the crash. He is her first live birth. She gave birth to a stillborn 2 years prior. At 3 months, should do you thing there be signs already if he does indeed have FAS?

[Anonymous]

Have you consulted with a developmental pediatrician who specializes in this area? I'm a single mom and I could in no way afford to adopt a child who has physical or mental issues. My friend adopted a baby from Eastern Europe and she sent lots of photos and videos of the baby she was matched with to a developmental pediatrician back in the US via email. He was able to give her his thoughts about whether or not her matched baby has FAS. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

There are so many people that want to adopt. I would not adopt unless you are all in. You could do an open adoption so you don't lose contact with your sisters's child.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are wonderful for wanting to do this. I would read "Broken Cord" which is about having a child with FAS. (Written a number of years ago, but still worth reading.)

[Anonymous]

I'm afraid I don't know -- my info comes from reading a memoir by someone who had to decide whether to adopt a kid who was at risk for FAS ("The Kid", by Dan Savage -- great book btw). They went ahead and adopted and the kid was fine, but of course there's no guarantee.

PP is right that there will be no problem finding your nephew a home, but there are benefits to kinship adoption. If you decide not to raise him, I urge you to push for an open adoption so you can have contact with him throughout his life. You can get a lot of the benefits of kinship adoption that way while not taking on the burden yourself if you don't feel able.

Best to all of you, and may you find peace with your sister's memory, and may she rest in a peace she didn't find in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is absolutely not a given. Was this her first child? For reasons that aren't fully understood, first children rarely have FAS, even if the mother drank quite heavily.

I am so sorry for your loss, and wish you and your nephew the best.

Thank you very much, it's been really hard, and multiplied by the fact that the accident was her fault because she was drunk at the time. Luckily, no one else was hurt in the crash. He is her first live birth. She gave birth to a stillborn 2 years prior. At 3 months, should do you thing there be signs already if he does indeed have FAS?

Yikes, sorry for all the typos

[Anonymous]

Is the baby's father in the picture?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you consulted with a developmental pediatrician who specializes in this area? I'm a single mom and I could in no way afford to adopt a child who has physical or mental issues. My friend adopted a baby from Eastern Europe and she sent lots of photos and videos of the baby she was matched with to a developmental pediatrician back in the US via email. He was able to give her his thoughts about whether or not her matched baby has FAS. Good luck to you.

Thanks, I will look into this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the baby's father in the picture?

No, my sister never let on who the father was, and he was never in the picture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm afraid I don't know -- my info comes from reading a memoir by someone who had to decide whether to adopt a kid who was at risk for FAS ("The Kid", by Dan Savage -- great book btw). They went ahead and adopted and the kid was fine, but of course there's no guarantee.

PP is right that there will be no problem finding your nephew a home, but there are benefits to kinship adoption. If you decide not to raise him, I urge you to push for an open adoption so you can have contact with him throughout his life. You can get a lot of the benefits of kinship adoption that way while not taking on the burden yourself if you don't feel able.

Best to all of you, and may you find peace with your sister's memory, and may she rest in a peace she didn't find in life.

Thanks, I'm going to look up that book right now

[Anonymous]

I was going to write out a bunch of stuff here, as a step-mom of a very disabled adult child (low functioning autism) and as someone whose friend has an adopted child with FAS who faces many of the same challenges I do with respect to behavior, violence, and potential safety issues like darting in traffic, etc.

But the truth is that any child could have special needs. Any child could have an accident later in life that requires special care. Nothing is a given. I do think being a single parent of a kid with special needs is a huge challenge. I'm not sure if I could do it myself.

In your shoes, I'd get the child medically evaluated by someone who is familiar with FAS. There are other physical signs, like smaller head circumference, kidney issues, etc.

I think, realistically speaking, the baby might have some challenges due to his mother's drinking that don't necessarily rise to the level of FAS. He might have ADHD, for example, something many parents face. He may have worse vision.

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are wonderful for wanting to do this. I would read "Broken Cord" which is about having a child with FAS. (Written a number of years ago, but still worth reading.)

Thanks, I will look into this book also. I really appreciate everyone's replies