adopting a baby that probably has FAS

[Anonymous]

I am not in your position, but I did have to choose whether to continue an unplanned pregnancy with an incompatible partner. Needless to say I did and it is challenging to be a single Mom and date. Do you have any family support? Are you financially sound? Able to pay for medical expenses and $1600 per month for infant care?

The major deciding factor for me was the 1/5/10 year plans. Where did I see myself? I wanted children within 5 years. That made my decision. It has not been easy and set me back about 3 years in my personal life and career, but I think soon I will catch up across the board. No matter what my son has greatly enriched my life.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't sound to me like you are 100% sure and ready to be a parent at this point in your life and that is okay.

What happened to your sister was a very sudden and unexpected tragedy and what you have done thus far by caring for her little baby son has been absolutely selfless. I truly commend you on what you have done for this little boy.

However, if you do not feel like you are fully ready to commit to being his parent for life, then do not feel pressured to do so out of guilt or duty. You have your own life to live and still have dreams of finding your Mr. Right and having your own children later on.

This child may or may not have FAS. No one on here can tell you definitely if he does or not. It will be a risk you will simply have to take. As a parent adopting a child, however, one must assume that the love you will offer that child must be a love unconditional at best. The type of love that only a parent can offer a child. Unless you think you can offer that type of love, then I do not think it is fair to either you or the child for this adoption to take place.

Just some food for thought here.

Again OP, what you have done already has gone far above what is required. You have sacrificed so much of your life already for this special little boy and if you feel that you simply cannot sacrifice anymore at this time, do not beat yourself up for it. No one has any right to judge you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would also get him evaluation by Infants and Toddlers (depending on where you live it could be called Early Intervention). It's a free service that evaluates young children - birth through 3. Every state has it. They evaluate all areas of development and will give you a general synopsis of where your nephew is.

Thank you, I live in PG County, Maryland. I will look into this.

I really can't imagine my life without him it in. I've done some serious thinking about this and come to the conclusion that I'm "all in", even if he does have problems later. Financially, it will be rough to pay for daycare but I will figure something out. I really wish my sis had life insurance, it would have made things much easier.

Get life insurance people!!!

I have life insurance on myself, but I'm going to call to increase the amount now, after going through this. My sis left behind a lot of debt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would also get him evaluation by Infants and Toddlers (depending on where you live it could be called Early Intervention). It's a free service that evaluates young children - birth through 3. Every state has it. They evaluate all areas of development and will give you a general synopsis of where your nephew is.

Thank you, I live in PG County, Maryland. I will look into this.

I really can't imagine my life without him it in. I've done some serious thinking about this and come to the conclusion that I'm "all in", even if he does have problems later. Financially, it will be rough to pay for daycare but I will figure something out. I really wish my sis had life insurance, it would have made things much easier.

Get life insurance people!!!

I have life insurance on myself, but I'm going to call to increase the amount now, after going through this. My sis left behind a lot of debt.

The child should be receiving social security. Apply for social security.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry for your loss. Can't a pediatrician tell you if he has FAS? Even if adopting him put a damper on you finding a man and having your own baby, siblings share half their genes, so really that baby is as close to you genetically as you can get without having your own child. If you didn't adopt him, and you wound up not having a baby on your own, I think you'd regret it. Is there anyone else in the family that can help you raise this child so you don't have to go it alone? As he grows, I'm sure it will become more apparent whether he has FAS or not.

I agree with this. This isn't a random child you are thinking of adopting, it is your own flesh and blood. If you never marry or have the opportunity to have a child, this will seem like an incredible missed opportunity.

He is happy and healthy now. All good signs. Get him evaluated ASAP so you can work on any issues, and as a PP said, look into benefits for the child from Social Security. You can do this, and it's my bet 18 years from now, you'll be so happy you did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would also get him evaluation by Infants and Toddlers (depending on where you live it could be called Early Intervention). It's a free service that evaluates young children - birth through 3. Every state has it. They evaluate all areas of development and will give you a general synopsis of where your nephew is.

Thank you, I live in PG County, Maryland. I will look into this.

I really can't imagine my life without him it in. I've done some serious thinking about this and come to the conclusion that I'm "all in", even if he does have problems later. Financially, it will be rough to pay for daycare but I will figure something out. I really wish my sis had life insurance, it would have made things much easier.

Get life insurance people!!!

I have life insurance on myself, but I'm going to call to increase the amount now, after going through this. My sis left behind a lot of debt.

The child should be receiving social security. Apply for social security.

Yes, if you haven't already, apply for Social Security survivor benefits on behalf of your nephew. You can make an appointment with your local SS office.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would also get him evaluation by Infants and Toddlers (depending on where you live it could be called Early Intervention). It's a free service that evaluates young children - birth through 3. Every state has it. They evaluate all areas of development and will give you a general synopsis of where your nephew is.

Thank you, I live in PG County, Maryland. I will look into this.

I really can't imagine my life without him it in. I've done some serious thinking about this and come to the conclusion that I'm "all in", even if he does have problems later. Financially, it will be rough to pay for daycare but I will figure something out. I really wish my sis had life insurance, it would have made things much easier.

Get life insurance people!!!

I have life insurance on myself, but I'm going to call to increase the amount now, after going through this. My sis left behind a lot of debt.

The child should be receiving social security. Apply for social security.

Yes, if you haven't already, apply for Social Security survivor benefits on behalf of your nephew. You can make an appointment with your local SS office.

Thank you!!! I have not done this but will look into it first thing Monday!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would also get him evaluation by Infants and Toddlers (depending on where you live it could be called Early Intervention). It's a free service that evaluates young children - birth through 3. Every state has it. They evaluate all areas of development and will give you a general synopsis of where your nephew is.

Thank you, I live in PG County, Maryland. I will look into this.

I really can't imagine my life without him it in. I've done some serious thinking about this and come to the conclusion that I'm "all in", even if he does have problems later. Financially, it will be rough to pay for daycare but I will figure something out. I really wish my sis had life insurance, it would have made things much easier.

Get life insurance people!!!

I have life insurance on myself, but I'm going to call to increase the amount now, after going through this. My sis left behind a lot of debt.

Hugs and best wishes to you, OP. I don't agree with previous posters that you have to be 100% sure. It's completely normal to have fears and doubts, especially when you're under as much stress as you are right now. 90% sure is enough.

I think you and your nephew – soon to be son – are going to be just fine. You may need to find out how adoption will impact your son's Social Security payments. And are you working with a social worker? Right now, I assume you are a kinship foster parent, and usually there are financial support available to you as a foster parent…

I have a strong feeling that you two are going to be just fine. Please check in now and again if you think of it, and let us know how things are going, because I bet a lot of us will be thinking of you.

[Anonymous]

You are not responsible for your sister's debt.

[Anonymous]

In my opinion, if you were ready to adopt this child, then you wouldn't asking for opinions on this board. Please keep in mind that even if your nephew (right now) is 100% healthy, there is always the potentional for an accicident down the road that could be crippling; like falling on head and developing slight brain damage (this happened to someone I know). It just doesn't seem like you are comfortable adopting and facing any challenges to cone with you nephew. I recommend you let him go to a family who 100% knows they want to adopt and unconditional love a child, no mat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my opinion, if you were ready to adopt this child, then you wouldn't asking for opinions on this board. Please keep in mind that even if your nephew (right now) is 100% healthy, there is always the potentional for an accicident down the road that could be crippling; like falling on head and developing slight brain damage (this happened to someone I know). It just doesn't seem like you are comfortable adopting and facing any challenges to cone with you nephew. I recommend you let him go to a family who 100% knows they want to adopt and unconditional love a child, no mat

So, no pregnant woman has wondered, 8 months in, if they made a big mistake?

Your advice is off-base. People are always worried about the unknown.

[Anonymous]

Where is the dad? Legally out of the picture? How can you adopt without his giving up rights?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where is the dad? Legally out of the picture? How can you adopt without his giving up rights?

She answered up thread that they didn't know who the father is, and that the child was the result of a casual encounter.

[Anonymous]

The father question has been answered earlier. He is unknown.

OP, I think your original question has been answered already (I'm with those who suggest seeing a developmental pediatrician just for your own knowledge) but I just wanted to say that your story, even though it comes from such sadness, is a lovely example of love and generosity. You're a good person, OP.

But (there's always a but! ) I just encourage you to think about everything that comes with raising a child. I am a single mom also. In Prince George's County, the day care costs won't be as much as in other parts of the DC area, but they will still be a substantial bite out of your budget. You may have to think about where you are living in the community -- how are the elementary schools, for example? That's stuff I never paid a bit of attention to in my single days.

Your point about getting life insurance for yourself is well-taken, especially if you are going to be a solo Mom. You might look into long-term disability insurance, because it is far more likely that you will sustain some kind of injury/illness that will keep you out of work for a little while, than that you will die unexpectedly. You need both.

You might also ask your human resources dept. on Monday how benefits may change (become more $$$, probably) if you need to add a dependent to your plan. Again, something I never paid a bit of attention to when I was single.

Once you get everything settled down, you will want to look into getting a will.

I know you can do it! This is not all stuff you have to do *tomorrow*, just one step at a time. And the very best of holidays to you and your nephew. What happened to his mother is so sad, but he is very fortunate to have you in his life (even if, at the end of the day, you decide to consider adoption after all.)

[Anonymous]

Op I am sorry for your loss. You must be devastated.
You do not need to make this decision right away. Give yourself some time. Any baby under 18 months old will be adopted instantly, so you have time to think about it. It is a huge blow. Go with your gut. You need to be all in, or move on, both of which are difficult when the news is still so fresh.