Anyone's relationship with their own mother go south after becoming a mom?

[Anonymous]

Yeah, it blows. I realized my mom wasn't the amazing mom I thought she was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Misery loves company...

Just wondering if anyone has surprising tension/annoyances/distance with their own mom after becoming a mother themselves. My own mom (I thought) is an independent, well-adjusted, fun to be around person. Ever since I had a baby, she's been distant and most disappointing to me, less than interested in being a grandma. Not completely disinterested, but not a warm fuzzy grandma type. Really doesn't ask questions about the baby, and just mentions how tough she had it as a single mother when I was a baby. Okay, I get how hard it was for her back then... but can we enjoy the joy this new baby is bringing to our family?

I'm at the point where I'm minimizing time spent with her because it's so awkward/forced. I never would have guessed this would be the case before I had my baby, although looking back on it, she was distant during my pregnancy, too.

My inlaws aren't exactly grandparents of the year, either, so I guess I'm feeling a little sorry for myself and bummed at the seemingly lost opportunity for grandma bonding for my mom and my baby.

Who cares if she's not warm and fuzzy. You're having a pity party for yourself. Deliberately minimizing contact at the same time lamenting a lost opportunity makes no sense It's passive aggressive and a great way to create your own drama. Babies also aren't toys to be taken away for behavior you don't like. Grow up.

Obviously you have not experienced anything that OP or the pps are relating to in this thread so maybe you should stop trolling around. take your own advice and "grow up."

[Anonymous]

This may not apply to your situation, OP, but in my case it definitely has improved over time. I think my mom was very tentative about being around babies again (I was the last baby she had been responsible for) and perhaps overly concerned about stepping on my toes. She was not a hands on grandma at all when my kids were small. Plus, she only had girls, but my first was a boy. I think both my parents were taken aback by the relative noise and rambunctiousness of boys, especially small boys. And kind of judgmental about his behavior. And truthfully my son was a serious pain in the ass as a small kid. Add to that the fact that both my parents were in their 70s when my older kid was born (and not up for the physical demands of baby/toddler care) and it did not make for a great relationship. There was awhile there when I just didn't talk to them about what was going on with my kids.

Fast forward to now, and my kids are 11 and 14, and it's all a lot better. My son has matured and mellowed out, everyone is conversational, no one needs to sit on the floor any more to interact with the kids. It's a big improvement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't say her behavior surprised me or disappointed me..it was more like my ability to tolerate her was challenged.

This is my mother in law. She's always been high maintenance and needy, but pre-baby I had the energy to adjust things for her and step around her as needed. With the baby, I'm just exhausted and can't have 2 babies in my life. She wants to be grandma of the year, but it ends up with DH or me babysitting her as she picks and chooses what she is willing to do.

It's nothing big, it's just a lot of little things that add up to frustration and stress that I can't deal with any more.

Same here. I can't take her "all about me" attitude any more, especially not with 2 kids. And please, mom, stop complaining about how I don't do domestic tasks "like I used to." Nothing is like it used to be, and keeping my laundry organized just isn't that important to me anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think when I had my kids my mother felt like the spotlight shifted -- which she has never been good with. She's a horrific grandmother-- Judgy, selfish, and antagonistic with her toddler granddaughter.

You would NEVER have expected if from a woman who was always so warm and generous with kids.

Good times.

can you give examples of this? I posted just above you and I believe my mother uses her dogs to compete with her grandchildren. Like, she uses her dogs to try to get attention from others when the grandkids are around..it's very obvious and weird.

This is my MIL. She is obsessed with her dogs. If we are over and she thinks she's not getting enough attention, she will make a huge scene about something to do with the dogs, like giving them leftovers and such. It's SO weird. And also a reason I'll never let her watch my infant at her house. I don't trust her to choose my daughter's safety over the dog's comfort.

[Anonymous]

OP I have nothing but sympathy. My relationship with my mom has been strained/distant at best and I was hoping that DC#1 would improve it (at least give us something to talk about, lol). nope.
she is dumfounded by some of our choices like living in a house/neighborhood we can afford, cloth diapering, babywearing, paying more for GOOD meat, etc.
she cannot understand why I don't want to drop everything and drive 2 states away to spend a weekend with them, attending brunches and happy hours, with a baby/toddler/preschooler. I woh all week, as did she, not sure what is hard to understand.
she professes to be GM of the year, but does not actually want to spend time with DC. Another recent thread described it as wanting the kids presented in spotless white for one hour, after which cocktail hour would resume. That is what both my parents seem to want, which dumbfounds me b/c they were both very hands-on, get down on the floor and play with the kids kind of parents.

But the kicker in the relationship has been the fact that DH and I are putting DC's interests first. We have a relative with very violent, drug addicted tendencies and for various reasons (after years of outbursts and "incidents" and medication and therapy and felony charges for god's sake) we've decided it's in our best interests that DC not be around this person. My parents cannot fathom this attitude. So... happy thanksgiving I'll be spending it with my in-laws, who are quirky but fun and extremely low-drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Misery loves company...

Just wondering if anyone has surprising tension/annoyances/distance with their own mom after becoming a mother themselves. My own mom (I thought) is an independent, well-adjusted, fun to be around person. Ever since I had a baby, she's been distant and most disappointing to me, less than interested in being a grandma. Not completely disinterested, but not a warm fuzzy grandma type. Really doesn't ask questions about the baby, and just mentions how tough she had it as a single mother when I was a baby. Okay, I get how hard it was for her back then... but can we enjoy the joy this new baby is bringing to our family?

I'm at the point where I'm minimizing time spent with her because it's so awkward/forced. I never would have guessed this would be the case before I had my baby, although looking back on it, she was distant during my pregnancy, too.

My inlaws aren't exactly grandparents of the year, either, so I guess I'm feeling a little sorry for myself and bummed at the seemingly lost opportunity for grandma bonding for my mom and my baby.

Who cares if she's not warm and fuzzy. You're having a pity party for yourself. Deliberately minimizing contact at the same time lamenting a lost opportunity makes no sense It's passive aggressive and a great way to create your own drama. Babies also aren't toys to be taken away for behavior you don't like. Grow up.

NP here. Sounds like someone's bitch mother is reading this thread and it's hitting a nerve. Yes, well, we need you to be at least warm around the kids and if you are creating tension, I have and will keep my kids away from your angry personality and your weird need to be the center of attention to the exclusion of your grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

My mother is a far better grandmother than she was a mother. But, my relationship with her became incredibly strained as I realized how culpable she was for the abuse my siblings and I suffered while growing up. It was horrific and if my DH did to our kids what my father did to us, I, literally, would kill him. The enormity of it all threw me into a tailspin. It was re-traumatizing and I had to get some counseling. I also stopped talking to my mother for a few months. I just couldn't do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Also, MIL actually said these words when we had #2 "I raised my kids, I'm not interested in taking care of babies anymore." She was just passing through on her way to Florida. At least we knew not to ask her for any help.

I think my mom feels this way to some extent, even if she has never said it. And, IMHO, there is nothing wrong with feeling that way. But it is also really, really hard to have a relationship (with mom or friend or other) with someone who feels this way while you are trying to raise young children.

You can't have a friend who is not a parent to young kids? that's why you can't have a relationship with your mother? I can't begin to tell you how convoluted it sounds. She raised you, that was her job, now you raise your kids, that's your job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother is a far better grandmother than she was a mother. But, my relationship with her became incredibly strained as I realized how culpable she was for the abuse my siblings and I suffered while growing up. It was horrific and if my DH did to our kids what my father did to us, I, literally, would kill him. The enormity of it all threw me into a tailspin. It was re-traumatizing and I had to get some counseling. I also stopped talking to my mother for a few months. I just couldn't do it.

This struck a nerve. Things exploded when I was eight months pregnant and I realized the same abusive dysfunctional childhood was right there all along. I only thought we'd developed an adult relationship. We now have a very awkward, distant relationship based on discussions of the weather.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother is a far better grandmother than she was a mother. But, my relationship with her became incredibly strained as I realized how culpable she was for the abuse my siblings and I suffered while growing up. It was horrific and if my DH did to our kids what my father did to us, I, literally, would kill him. The enormity of it all threw me into a tailspin. It was re-traumatizing and I had to get some counseling. I also stopped talking to my mother for a few months. I just couldn't do it.

This struck a nerve. Things exploded when I was eight months pregnant and I realized the same abusive dysfunctional childhood was right there all along. I only thought we'd developed an adult relationship. We now have a very awkward, distant relationship based on discussions of the weather.

I'm the PP you quoted. You might think about counseling at some point. If you're like me, there will be certain ages/events/statements that trigger memories and unleash unburied anger. Now that I'm an adult, I have knee jerk reaction that I know isn't healthy for me. I don't really care how it makes my mother feel but I need to maintain my equilibrium. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Not with my mom, but some of my siblings. The relationship wasn't stellar before, but we had always come through for each other when it counted. But once my first was born, my sister couldn't bring herself to be in the same room as the baby. And then my brother had a series of weird angry reactions in opposition to very basic safety precautions, like having a gate up between the dog (not his & not in his house) and the baby.

[Anonymous]

We are in the same boat. Both sets of local grandparents can't be bothered to give a damn about our kids and have no babysitting "policies". WTF.

They are selfish. I think they assume that because we are affluent we don't need help, but it would be so nice to have some one to lean on who isn't paid! My husband and I both want to be very involved grandparents one day ... so appalled by both our crappy parents.

[Anonymous]

My mom wants to help but physically and mentally isn't capable anymore. More like I take care if her. She gets mad bc I won't leave my kid with her.

My mil loves the kid dearly but won't commit to anything that would remotely inconvenience her. She is, in theory, supposed to watch him 3 hours a week (her choice) but regularly backs out with no notice if something fun comes up. I told her I would make other arrangements bc I need reliable care (I woh and dad is away for work a lot) and she got angry because I was saying she was unreliable.

Um, yeah. Because you are. Can't win.

You can't change or influence people. Accept them for who they are and what they do provide, or move on.

[Anonymous]

No, mine got better.