Thinking about cutting off my mother for good

[Anonymous]

I agree that sending a "I'm cutting you off" message is no good. Just silently back out, stop initially contact. When you see her at family functions, give a polite but short "hello"/"Merry Christmas" then move along. She probably wants you to chase after her with arguments and pleads to be a proper grandmother to her daughter - that's what's feeding her behavior. Don't give it to her. Live your life well, don't engage with her negative behavior, be polite yet firm to any communication she has with you, don't loan out anything more, and if she realizes she's missing out on her granddaughter's life, give that relationship another chance.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks. Just to be clear, we have only talked/seen each other once this year at a family event. She ignored all holidays and my daughter's bday. So since new year's contact might as well be zero. This anger has been building up in me. She really isn't a grandmother at all.

[Anonymous]

Sorry double posts. I'm just so upset. She lives out of state and we basically won't see each other ever at family events. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

No, you should't cut your mom off. Don't loan money unless you intend it to be a gift and, as pp's have said, reduce your expectations drastically. She doesn't sound like much of a mother or grandmother, but I think cutting off should be only for toxic people who are doing you or your family a lot of harm. Which brings me to the second thing...be careful you don't pick up her childish ways. Very childish for her to stop speaking after you changed your christmas plans but you, in turn, are thinking of cutting her off for good. And you are a parent, so that means cutting your child off for good also. Both of you seem to go for nuclear option when upset. Be careful of that.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Op,
You have a lot of grief to deal with because of your mom. She clearly is broken has issues that are serious enough to ruin your relationship. Her indifference to your dc just finalizes things. Therapy might help you deal with the grief. You will get a lot of pressure, here and irl, to just go along with things as they are. I don't think that accepting her behavior to you is healthy for you. People will minimize what she has done to you and your child. You are in effect motherless and it is a heart breaking realization and painful to work through.

You probably need to give up on this relationship or at the very least have very limited contact with her.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm really sorry.

I understand you're hurt and angry and upset, and it's been building for 10 months.

But think about what you gain by contacting her to say you're not going to contact her. You gain a release for yourself of the pressure that's been building up for the past ten months. But at what cost? Essentially, she has cut you out of her life.

I wonder if there would be anything to be gained by going there - I understand it's far - and collecting anything and everything you may ever want in the future. Maybe face to face you can have the blow up, say the things you need to say, but get out of there with whatever childhood reminders you want. I understand wanting old family photos and mementos of your childhood, particularly to share ith your daughter.

Another avenue might be to write her a letter that says all the things you need to say - but don't send it. Save it, burn it, whatever, just get it out of your head and relieve some of this building pressure you feel?

But really think about what stirring the hornet's nest will get you. I think the answer is nothing but getting sucked into drama you don't need.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you two have already cut things off. Just continue the status quo of just seeing each other once a year at family events. Don't visit her at Christmas or Thanksgiving if you don't want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks. Just to be clear, we have only talked/seen each other once this year at a family event. She ignored all holidays and my daughter's bday. So since new year's contact might as well be zero. This anger has been building up in me. Slhe really isn't a grandmother at all.

You're right. She's not. And she sounds like a shtty mother, too. You need to mourn this loss. You need to be angry at her and mourn what you should have had, what your daughter should have, and then accept that she will never change (unless she gets medicated, but you don't know if she will). She sounds narcissistic or like an addict. Either way, this relationship is toxic. You are right to keep her away and not teach your daughter that toxic people deserve places in our lives. Take each day and week individually and then decide if that's the day you want contact. If not, let another day happen. It sounds like you're waiting for her, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm so sorry.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the posters above.

If she won't return your calls, she has already cut you off. Who is to say she will even take the call? Calling her with the intent of hurting her will not make things better and will close the door if you ever later want to let her back in your life. Just let things go, mourn the relationship knowing you may never connect again, and then you can set the terms if she ever decides she wants back into your life or your child's.

If she does, don't put yourself in a position where you can be hurt or taken advantage of (she can visit on your terms, don't fly down, don't lend her money, etc.).

If she doesn't reach out, then it is probably best for your daughter that her grandmother is not in her life. You can be the mother that you wanted and while it is not fair, your daughter will probably not notice that she is missing (and is better off not not have someone that toxic in her life that can cause the rejection you feel right now).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks. Just to be clear, we have only talked/seen each other once this year at a family event. She ignored all holidays and my daughter's bday. So since new year's contact might as well be zero. This anger has been building up in me. She really isn't a grandmother at all.

Were you thinking on some level that lending money would make the relationship better in terms of your mother being more grateful to you for help and reaching out on birthdays and such? I am estranged from my father for similar reasons - not interested in me or grandkids and shamelessly asking for money for fake reasons and then blowing through that money in front of my eyes. I drew a line when I came to realize that I am nothing but a fool with deep pockets for him. Don't think helping out financially will change a disengaged narcissistic parent. It won't. She used you, best revenge would be living well, not telling her off - she doesn't care about that part.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes cutting someone out is the right move. Some people aren't meant to be grandmothers...or just don't do a good job at it. Would her presence be adding ANYTHING to your daughter's life? Probably not.

DH's mom is all kinds of f'd up. He finally cut her off almost 3 years ago by telling her we'd have zero contact with her until she agreed to therapy with me and him. She refused, so she didn't see us or her only grandkids for almost 2 years. She finally agreed to therapy and we all started going and making progress. We reintroduced the kids to her and all seemed to be improving. Latest therapy session revealed that she is just as narcisistic (sp?) and emotionally controlling as ever. Sigh. At least we know and we can temper our expectations. It is what it is. She's never going to be that wonderful warm fuzzy Grandma I dream of for my children.