Thinking about cutting off my mother for good

[Anonymous]

My mother, who is an emotional and financial disaster, "borrowed" several thousand dollars from me last year and because I then cancelled plans to fly down for Christmas - and stay in an expensive hotel, rent a car, eat out - stopped returning my phone calls. I'm turning 40 tomorrow. I have a 3 year old - her only grandchild - who she is ignoring. I'm enraged right now.
Just want to call her and tell her she is dead to me. She is just a lazy, screwed up, emotional disaster of a human being.

[Anonymous]

Don't. Wait a few days until you cool down. You should never go grocery shopping when you are hungry.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry. You probably don't need to do a dramatic cutting off, but you should reduce your expectations for her down to nearly zero.

It sucks.

[Anonymous]

OP here, I'm thinking now of just asking for family photos, so I have some (not of her) and offering something like $300 upon delivery.

[Anonymous]

OP again, sorry. I know. I'm just so upset right now. If she wasn't ignoring my kid it would be different. I'm just a god damn bank to her.

[Anonymous]

at the end of the day, it's less about you and more about your child's future relationship with your mom. wait a few days and reaccess.

[Anonymous]

Calm down.

You are angry because you knew better than to lend her money and did it anyway. It's ok it happens. Consider the money a gift and let it go.

She may never live up to your ideal as a grandmother. Accept it. Accept the kind of grandmother she is and stop being disappointed when she doesn't live up to your imagined ideal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry. You probably don't need to do a dramatic cutting off, but you should reduce your expectations for her down to nearly zero.

It sucks.

+1

[Anonymous]

Some say a word is dead when it is said
I say it just begins to live that day. Emily Dickinson

Words can never be taken back.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are right to want to make a change, but don't do it while in a fury. Give yourself one week and think about what you want going forward. Here are some suggestions:

* Reduce your expectations of her as a grandma to 0. In return, you don't need to be nice to her about it, either.
* For family photos, is there a sibling who could get them for you? Take your own and don't pay her for her bad behavior.
* No more lending money to her. Ever. If she is destitute she can find a homeless shelter, but you realize she is probably resourceful enough to fend for herself before this happens.
* Don't call. If she calls, keep a neutral tone and don't engage. You may decide to change this in 6 months or a year, but not until you are happy with how things are proceeding.

[Anonymous]

I sympathize so much. I also have a parent who acts like a child and throws tantrums and refuses my calls when he doesn't get what he wants. I don't respond perfectly. In fact, I often get upset and enraged like you do. But I try to remember that you can't control other people's actions, just your own reactions. I still wish his actions were different though.

I also think that doing a dramatic cut off would just feed into her problems. It could validate her erroneous thoughts about you and your relationship. It's probably healthier for you to just do what the PP said and lower your expectations to zero. Don't call. Don't lend money. Don't invite her back into your life. I know it's sad when grandchildren are involved, but it's probably better in the long run to help your Child understand that grandma isn't that kind of grandma.

It would also probably help to take a couple of days and calm down. I know that you're feeling furious right now, and you don't want to do anything that you'll regret for the sake of your daughters relationship with her grandmother.

[Anonymous]

Let go of the anger and just cut her out. Stop giving her money. Block her calls. Delete her emails. Let her go and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I sympathize so much. I also have a parent who acts like a child and throws tantrums and refuses my calls when he doesn't get what he wants. I don't respond perfectly. In fact, I often get upset and enraged like you do. But I try to remember that you can't control other people's actions, just your own reactions. I still wish his actions were different though.

I also think that doing a dramatic cut off would just feed into her problems. It could validate her erroneous thoughts about you and your relationship. It's probably healthier for you to just do what the PP said and lower your expectations to zero. Don't call. Don't lend money. Don't invite her back into your life. I know it's sad when grandchildren are involved, but it's probably better in the long run to help your Child understand that grandma isn't that kind of grandma.

It would also probably help to take a couple of days and calm down. I know that you're feeling furious right now, and you don't want to do anything that you'll regret for the sake of your daughters relationship with her grandmother.

+1. Have no expectations that she will ever be the person you want her to be for you or DD. If you can accept that then you can have a limited relationship with her that doesn't make you so angry.

[Anonymous]

I agree that sending a "I'm cutting you off" message is no good. Just silently back out, stop initially contact. When you see her at family functions, give a polite but short "hello"/"Merry Christmas" then move along. She probably wants you to chase after her with arguments and pleads to be a proper grandmother to her daughter - that's what's feeding her behavior. Don't give it to her. Live your life well, don't engage with her negative behavior, be polite yet firm to any communication she has with you, don't loan out anything more, and if she realizes she's missing out on her granddaughter's life, give that relationship another chance.

[Anonymous]

OP here, just to be clear we haven't talked in the phone since before Christmas. She didn't send my daughter a gift or acknowledge her birthday at all. My daughter only saw her at a family event this year, where she paid a little attention. She doesn't know she has my mother as a grandmother at this point. This isn't about not talking for a few weeks, it's been 10 months. It isn't even about giving her money, she refuses to change her life but wants money as a bs loan when I'm never getting it back.