advice and tips for parent and sibling moving in with us
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Anonymous
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I've only lived with a friend of the family briefly and had my sister live with me while she was getting on her feet. Living my with my sister was a disaster and I wished we had talked about things before we moved in. For us the biggest point of contention was the phone (this was before cell phones were prevalent), overnight guests, and there not being a timeline.
Having been laid off myself I know there is a psychological component of applying to jobs and not getting called back and trying not to get either depressed or doing everything to avoid what you think will be more rejection. I'm agree 200% with having a discussion asking FIL to volunteer and/or try to find a part-time job while looking. You also want to discuss things like dinner, laundry etc. I think if you have been working all day and find yourself cooking and cleaning up after 2 other adults and a teenager and no one is helping and FIL has been home all day, and then you go to have a moment to sit down to watch tv and that tv is taken by FIL and BIL has his girlfriend over ...you will be upset. The best way to keep the relationship close and not have people either oblivious or uncomfortable walking on eggshells is to have a discussion about how things were running in separate households and what you can do to help each other and still keep to routines as much as possible. I don't want to say rules, more like how you and DH a had to come up with compromises and adjust to living together. Also, with the three of them (BIL, FIL, and DH) all raised in the same household, the differences may seem 3 against 1. For example, if DH sees nothing wrong with living dirty dishes in the sink overnight now you have three. Or if DH was allowed to have a girlfriend sleep over as a teenager but you are aghast at that idea, no one may see anything wrong with BIL's girlfriend being over late. Your heart is in the right place and if people communicate before problems happens and treat others how they would want to be treated, I think it can work out. |
Anonymous
+1. The timing really is unfortunate. This would be a difficult adjustment for an established married couple. You must put each other first and be a united front. Make sure you have time away from his father and brother each week. |
Anonymous
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OP, when I think about the difference between my life with children and my life as a newlywed, I have systems for so many things that back then I would never have needed.
This includes having a budget (we didn't keep a budget before because our finances were simple - now I track everything using software called YNAB), schedules (daily, weekly, monthly and yearly) for work around the house, calendars (I have multiple online color-coded calendars, including school, medical appointments, social and other events), and files (electronic or paper, it doesn't matter - there are lots more when more people are involved). You might need to step up your systems as you figure out what you need. |
Anonymous
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The first replies gave good ground rules for keeping the peace short term, but another important consideration, and perhaps the most important IMO, is how long is this arrangement going to be allowed for? I would be very clear from the beginning that this assistance is for six months and six months only. If your ILs need to go onto public assistance, six months should be enough time to get on disability and enrolled with food stamps.
My parents did this with a distant relative and they were happy to help family out in need, but when it goes beyond a few months of help, it become enabling behavior - the unemployed person stops looking for work, or starts spending whatever little money they have on random travel or trinkets trying to make the borrowed room feel like their own. The family getting help can get very comfortable without a deadline to act and the hosting family can quickly feel taken advantage of, but having not set out expectations clearly from the beginning, it's feels harsh setting a deadline after the fact. Set it up front, or they may never leave. |
Anonymous
| My FIL lived with us on the weekday for a few months. He is a messy type so I tried not to look into his room (he left the door wide open until bed time). We have only 1 bath room so I told DH to tell him not to spit/gag (mucous) in the bath tub. These are micro things but keep open mind so you don't get mad when something unexpected happens. Even tiny things will add up one day especially newlywed, you are adjusting to each other and now including your FIL and BIL. Good luck. |
Anonymous
| OP, I worry for you. Had you met your now husband and he said "I'm supporting my dad and my brther", you probably wouldn't have continued dating him. Had he done this while you were engaged, you would probably have called off the wedding or delayed it a bit. Now that you're married, you're "obligated to help family". Do you know you can say no to this? I fear you can't without looking like the mean bitch who won't "help family". Your husband's dad and brother had someplace to stay, and now that you're married, magic happened and they are homeless and destitute. Your husband now has your income and your labor along with the loving touch of a woman to make the place feel like home. You will be cleaning up and cooking for three boys. The dynamic between your husband, brother and dad will be the same as it was when your husband is a teen. Do you really want that? You'll deffinately mind cooking and cleaning if your father-in-law and his son take two bites then say "I'm going out". You'll deffinately mind cleaning up if they won't get off their dead asses and help you do it. It's fine if you want to bring them groceries once a week. It's fine if you want to cook them dinner. It's not fine if they want to live with you and your husband. I'd be more ok with it if you had been married for a couple years and you had some household clout. Now, you don't. You'll just be mom to three boys and if you don't do what they want you'll be the biggest bitch if there ever was a bitch. You don't want that. "making them pay rent" won't work, because you. cannot. get. anybody. to. do. anything. If they were willing to pay rent, you wouldn't be in this situation. I'd recogonize the bait and switch that's been pulled on you, and I'd strongly suggest counceling provided by someone who shares your view on marriage. Normally I think counceling is a waste, but in this case it might help so that your husband and you see the dynamics at play. Your husband hooked you by being a good guy, then when you can't gracefully end the relationship, he's changed the terms while using resources that you have brought into the relationship. |
Anonymous
+1000 This is one good thought. You need to consider this OP. |
Anonymous
NP, hate to say it but I thought about all this as well. OP how long did you know your DH before you married him? What was his relationship with his father and brother like during that time? Did you meet them? What were they like and how did they treat you? Did you ever stay with them where they lived (before FIL got laid off)? And have you started having any of these "rules/limits" conversations with your DH? How is he taking it? SO MUCH of how this is going to go will be clear in little ways right from the beginning. Does your DH talk to you as if he understands what a sacrifice you're BOTH making to take them in? Or is he acting like it's just a done deal, that's what famiily does, and he's not leaving much room for discussion? Not suggesting you'd turn the FIL and BIL away, but it really REALLY matters how your DH is approaching this. Lastly, what's your money situation with your DH? Do you both work? Just him? Just you? Who is supporting the household, and what items will you be supporting FIL and BIL in (beyond a place to stay)? Will they have phones? Do they have cars and who will pay for gas? All of these things need to be hammered out and gone over with them, not in a blaming way, but definitely in a "We mean business - these are the terms upon which you can stay with us; break them, and you can't stay with us anymore." way. |
Anonymous
Wow, that's a lot of questions! |
Anonymous
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My FIL was a vp for a large corporation when he was laid-off in his mid-fifties. He became so discouraged after looking for a job in his field for a year, that he decided it was futile and declared himself "retired". Fortunately, MIL had a job and kept working into her seventies. They were forced to downsize from a house to an apartment and today we help subsidize their housing since their retirement savings are inadequate.
OP's FIL may end up "retiring" since he is not forced to find a job since you have taken in him and BIL. Trust me, this is going to become burdensome. You also haven't mentioned if/when you two plan to have children. You say your home is small--I assume that means you only have a couple of extra bedrooms at most. Where does baby go? I think you need to put a limit on this offer or you will end up resenting your in-laws and your DH due to the sacrifices you will make. |
Anonymous
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OP, these people replying to you are awful.
You know then better than we do and whether or not presenting a list of rules (!!!!) is needed, or just insulting. honestly, how to empty a trash can? Talk about infantilizing. I agree with coming up with a rough timeline, but talk about it with your husband only. It sounds like FIL and BIL have had enough trouble and could use a break. You're doing a good thing. |
Anonymous
| First, you sound like a wonderful person. My in-laws have lived with me for 7 years. It's hard, but it works without drama. At the end of the day, they have to bring something to the party. While they are not out looking for a job, they should be not only cleaning up after themselves, but doing things like preparing meals a few days a week, taking trash out, bringing in mail, running errands for you, anything to pull their weight that doesn't involve spending money they don't have. |
Anonymous
| Hi everyone, I am the OP, I wanted to thank you guys for your advice and help. My husband did ask if this would be okay prior to arranging it. I really am okay with saying yes. When I married him, I gained a great FIL and BIL. I consider them my own family and will help them in the same way I would help my own parents. I am nervous about what this will mean for our marriage. We have our routines and like to relax cuddled up on the couch after work for example. We will need to work hard to make sure we still take alone time and spend time together. As far as the time period for this, my FIL has struggled with finding a new job and has a lot of health issues. I consider his brother living with us at least until he is college aged. As for his father I just don't know. I will try to lead by example in the house, if they see easily how we like to clean things, I hope they follow suit. As for dinners, I will plan on for now cooking unless someone wants to offer. I never learned how to cook for two anyway and typically make enough meal to feed a small army. I am nervous about them being comfortable, us being comfortable and if my FIL might never get back on his feet. |
Anonymous
| His FIL does have a girlfriend he's been with for a few years,I fully expect him to switch back and forth between the two houses for staying. She has said he can stay there as well. I do want him to have a place to hang his clothes and personals so he feels like he has a home somewhere. We both work but husband makes more than I do. We live comfortably. Not enough to save significantly but enough to go out to a movie once in a while and get the more expensive bottle of wine occasionally. We rent though so I'm nervous about that. I want to add whoever will be staying here to our lease asap so we don't get into any trouble with our apartment complex. We have a two bedroom with a office den in addition to a living room. So we have removed the office and turned into a bedroom. |
Anonymous
| Thank you all for letting me unload always. This really is a great forum when you feel like you have no one to talk to. I would be devastated if this causes damage to my marriage. We were together 6 years before getting married and have known each other since middle school so are the very best of friends and grew up in each others home. I haven't told my family whats going on. I don't want them to look down at FIL. My family is very financially secure and wouldn't understand this. They are moving in Friday so I will continue to cozy up their rooms and hope for the best. |