advice and tips for parent and sibling moving in with us

[Anonymous]

My FIL and BIL are moving in with us shortly. FIL is having a terribly time and was laid off and just lost his home. BIL is a teenager and they have no where to go so we are of course letting them live with us. My husband and I talked about this in great detail and they are family and this is what you do.

I wanted to know if anyone had any advice or tips to make this transition as smooth as possible. We are in a small place and I want to make sure they feel comfortable but also that we all have separate spaces to relax and not feel crowded.

I don't want them to feel like they are imposing. I am nervous about the details as we are newlyweds and I want to make sure we protect our marriage. We will be supporting them until they get on their feet.

Any help would be appreciated if anyone is similar situation.

[Anonymous]

Not that it matters also but my husband lost his mother when he was younger so his family is so very important to him and they are wonderfully close.

[Anonymous]

This might not apply in your situation but consider giving them a time frame for the length of time they can stay. And when it nears that time, reassess whether to extend it. Also, when they first get back on their feet, have them pay some rent. You can always keep it for them and give it back when they leave. Sometimes people become discouraged from reentering the workforce and knowing there are formal expectations can help with motivation.

[Anonymous]

There need to be house rules. Like each adult makes dinner twice a week and cleans up twice a week. On school/work nights friends must leave by 10 (or whatever time). No friends can bring any illegal drugs into the house.

Is the FIL going to be paying any of the bills or portions of them?
What is the plan for disciplining the teen? Is he going from having one parent telling him what to do to having three adults telling him what to do?
Make sure everyone has a few chores around the house.

Does everyone have the same levels of cleanliness and orderliness?

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much for your quick replies! The idea of some rules for friends being over and curfews is great. I will for sure word them as house rules not overstep his fathers parenting as to not cause problems. I also like the chore schedule. I'm overly clean so I am happy to do regular maintenance, but giving them some responsibility is great. I am not sure of what sort of timeline to set in motion. I don't foresee this being a quick stay as FIL has lost everything and is older and has been actively trying to find employment for a long time now. It seems like everything is hitting him at once. I want them to feel like this can be their home if needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you so much for your quick replies! The idea of some rules for friends being over and curfews is great. I will for sure word them as house rules not overstep his fathers parenting as to not cause problems. I also like the chore schedule. I'm overly clean so I am happy to do regular maintenance, but giving them some responsibility is great. I am not sure of what sort of timeline to set in motion. I don't foresee this being a quick stay as FIL has lost everything and is older and has been actively trying to find employment for a long time now. It seems like everything is hitting him at once. I want them to feel like this can be their home if needed.

If you and your husband are open to him living with you indefinitely that's fine, but he can't just be a lump on the couch, you know? Even if he gets a job at Costco part time, and a once-or-twice-a-week volunteer gig, he needs regular commitments that involve him regularly leaving the house each week. He could teach adults to read, be a library guy, walk dogs at a pet shelter, whatever. But he needs to help people to feel he has some self worth, and to meet some people.

Make a goal that beginning in the New Year, he starts paying $200 or whatever towards the utility bill or groceries or SOMETHING.

Also, consider who will be financially supporting the teen. They're expensive. Eat lots of food, need allowance, driver's ed, clothing, SAT prep classes, field trip money, random shit for school, money for presents for friends, etc. Will he be required to get a part time job? Will he only get allowance if his room is clean?

[Anonymous]

Is there any public assistance they might be eligible for? Every bit helps.

[Anonymous]

This is going to be a big adjustment physically so yes, chores distributed and patience with each other will be necessary for everyone's sanity. Even is going to have to contribute. FIL and BIL obviously are not used to being waited on so they should have a pretty good routine in place. Try to incorporate that as much as possible. If FIL did grocery shopping and BIL did laundry then keep it that way.

You say you have a small space. Will everyone have their own room? Everyone having their own space, even a small one (my brother lived with friends for a while and had a storage closet as his own nook) would be a huge boost and give some privacy.

The bigger piece is the adjustment emotionally. This is going to be a huge thing for FIL because I imagine it will feel like "failure" to have to impose on his son and DIL like this. I would really, REALLY push to have him get any kind of part time job just to get him out and about on a schedule as well as to help him feel that he's contributing. If you can emphasize that sharing the costs now is a help for all of you, maybe he'll feel like he's not such a burden and even a part-time salary is beneficial.

BIL is a story too. Depending on whether he's an old or a young teen makes a difference too as does his lifestyle. Will this involve a school switch? If he's a student with an active life in sports and valuable activities, I would allow him to focus on that and not be burdened with work. If he's not a student or has afterschool hours not being used, then a job with some meaningful pay should be expected of him too.

You are doing a great thing for them but don't forget your husband. Get out sometimes just the two of you for walks, window shopping etc (no need to spend since $ will be tight) just to talk and be together alone. It will also give your new roommates time alone too.

And get out alone too. Make time for girlfriends which will benefit you while giving your DH time with his brother and father. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

If he is on limited income and has no money, I would not expect rent till he manages to get income. That makes no sense. If he parents his son and naturally helps around the house, treat him like an adult and not set rules. We have family come for extended visits (2-3 months) and I can't imagine having rules.

[Anonymous]

Re: the rules...maybe it would make sense to all sit down and have a discussion about expectations together. I lived with my ILs for nine months while DH was away and there weren't any "house rules" other than to let them know if I was going to be late from work (not ten min, but outside the norm) so they didn't worry. Other than that I followed MILs cues about keeping a super-organized house (I'm usually a slob) and trying to be helpful. But if there are some things that have the potential to bother you (cleanliness and finances are usually the big ones) definitely discuss up front. I wouldn't say "these are the house rules" to FIL, but discuss both parties' expectations and come to a reasonable consensus. Depending on BIL's age and temperament he can either be part of the discussion or be given a list of rules.

[Anonymous]

A lot of how this will play out depends on you, OP. Mainly because you are the woman of the house. I think making sure that everyone helps with the chores is a good suggestion by many.

What kind of person are you? Are you perfectionist and organized or are you more relaxed and go with the flow kind of person? Both your FIL and BIL need to be handled with kid gloves in some way. They are emotionally fragile. Be gracious and loving. Be polite when you are upset... Most importantly - make time to pamper yourself - gym, mani-pedi, library, coffee with friends etc - that way you get a break. Else you will become passive-aggressive.

Realize that this is not an easy period for you or your family members - but what can come out of this, is very strong bonds for life.

[Anonymous]

Pay for them to go to a weekly movie so you and your husband can have some private time in the house.

[Anonymous]

Id be concerned how this affects your new marriage, op.

[Anonymous]

Spell everything out.

1. FIL & BIL are responsible for doing their own laundry. Assign them a laundry day. Make it a weekday.

2. Make a weekly meal plan and assign FIL his cooking days.

3. Assign everyone a day that they clear dishes, run the dishwasher, and unload it.

4. If the trash is full, take the full bag out, tie it up, put it in the outside trash can, put a new bag in the inside can.

5. Specify who watches which TV if you have more than one.

6. Specify rules for electronics for the teenager -- i.e. no iPhone at the table during meals

7. Specify how loud music may be played.

8. Specify an iPhone check in time and a curfew for all friends to out of the house.

9. No one may obtain a pet of any kind without approval of the homeowners.

This may sound really nitpicky, but my parents let some family move in with them and they have never left. I asked my mom if she had set house rules before they moved in and she did not. She *very* much regrets not spelling things out. She, like you, wanted them to be comfortable. They are super comfortable living rent free. The TV is a surprising point of regular contention. So is the laundry.

[Anonymous]

This is not going to work out well for you. Unless you are both from cultures where living with extended family is the norm, this will be a very difficult time for you. I don't have any suggestions except really try not to do this.

Your FIL should be eligible for some kind of public assistance. Make sure the teen gets free lunch. Talk to an accountant about tax implications. You and your husband are going to be supporting two other people. Will you be able to support a baby too if you are wanting to try for one?

I know you said you were overly clean and wouldn't mind doing housework but I guarantee it will old having two other people make messes.

Good luck.