DH just shoved me

[Anonymous]

Have you talked to him about it?
Sit him down tell him how you feel about his reaction and your feelings and fears regarding the deliberate push and see what he has to say.

[Anonymous]

Look up the research on children watching one parent mistreat another. Researchers have found that the impact on development is about as bad as if they were mistreated themselves.

I have two much younger brothers and the one in jail told me some stories about mom abusing me. He was not abused by her, ever and yet these memories of watching me be mistreated haunt him...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you talked to him about it?
Sit him down tell him how you feel about his reaction and your feelings and fears regarding the deliberate push and see what he has to say.

Well, it just happened, so we haven't had a chance to talk. Immediately after he did it I told him to just leave the house and I would do drop off. (So he won, ha ha!) It's hard to sit down and be emotionally honest with him because I feel so angry and mistreated. I feel like HE should be groveling to me, not the other way around. But my rational self knows that I do need to just sit down and talk calmly with him because he just loses his fucking mind (blows up, but more often shuts down) during confrontations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So get divorced. These posts are so stupid. "He shoved me. He's a jerk. He's always been tough to live with but now he's getting worse. What do I do?!" Is the answer really not obvious?

Obviously not. We have a small son and divorce would be difficult on many levels. I think most people understand the desire to avoid divorce if possible.

Not if there is even a hint of physical abuse and shoving is physical abuse. I'd bet a lot that he is also mentally, verbally, and emotionally abusive, as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The way you explain it, it sounds like he was just stomping and bull-rushing out the door because he was in a bad mood. I wouldn't say that equates with an intentional push to cause harm.

That said, if he's a jerk that's an issue you can and should address. Unclear.

I'm certain it was intentional, but somewhat less of an "intentional push to cause harm." Still, it was a use of physical force.

Oh, forgot to add that DH comes from an abusive background - his dad used to beat him up until he got big enough to fight back in his teens. I have never asked, but fairly sure his dad must have also hit his mom.

And don't forget to add that next it will be your son who comes from an abusive background. I'd make participation in therapy-for your husband-a dealbreaker. Protect your son. BTW, there are plenty of men who abuse their wives but not their children-not directly at least. Having to witness any type of DV, be it verbal, physical, emotional, is abuse though.

Think about calling a DV organization to help you explore what is happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So get divorced. These posts are so stupid. "He shoved me. He's a jerk. He's always been tough to live with but now he's getting worse. What do I do?!" Is the answer really not obvious?

Are you even married or married with children? No it's not as simple as "my husband shoved past me, I'm divorcing!!" Divorce is an option but for most people with kids it's the LAST option. If I had to do it it would be because literally nothing else could be done and everyone's quality of life was suffering. Not because my husband shoved past me in anger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So get divorced. These posts are so stupid. "He shoved me. He's a jerk. He's always been tough to live with but now he's getting worse. What do I do?!" Is the answer really not obvious?

Are you even married or married with children? No it's not as simple as "my husband shoved past me, I'm divorcing!!" Divorce is an option but for most people with kids it's the LAST option. If I had to do it it would be because literally nothing else could be done and everyone's quality of life was suffering. Not because my husband shoved past me in anger.

Except it doesn't sound like a one time thing. She said he's always been difficult to live with and has been getting worse. Sounds like they've talked about it before since he won't do counseling. So how long does OP put up with it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So get divorced. These posts are so stupid. "He shoved me. He's a jerk. He's always been tough to live with but now he's getting worse. What do I do?!" Is the answer really not obvious?

Are you even married or married with children? No it's not as simple as "my husband shoved past me, I'm divorcing!!" Divorce is an option but for most people with kids it's the LAST option. If I had to do it it would be because literally nothing else could be done and everyone's quality of life was suffering. Not because my husband shoved past me in anger.

Except it doesn't sound like a one time thing. She said he's always been difficult to live with and has been getting worse. Sounds like they've talked about it before since he won't do counseling. So how long does OP put up with it?

How long do you put up with anything? It's nice that your life is so bright and clear and free from any blurred lines whatsoever about choices you have to make. It's great that you don't experience even a moment of self-doubt about anything. But leaving a marriage is probably one of life's most momentous and difficult decisions. For Christ's sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So get divorced. These posts are so stupid. "He shoved me. He's a jerk. He's always been tough to live with but now he's getting worse. What do I do?!" Is the answer really not obvious?

Excuse me? Are you really this emotionally tone deaf?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you talked to him about it?
Sit him down tell him how you feel about his reaction and your feelings and fears regarding the deliberate push and see what he has to say.

Well, it just happened, so we haven't had a chance to talk. Immediately after he did it I told him to just leave the house and I would do drop off. (So he won, ha ha!) It's hard to sit down and be emotionally honest with him because I feel so angry and mistreated. I feel like HE should be groveling to me, not the other way around. But my rational self knows that I do need to just sit down and talk calmly with him because he just loses his fucking mind (blows up, but more often shuts down) during confrontations.

Please don't exacerbate the situation by throwing vengeful pride into the equation I feel like HE should be groveling to me. What is needed now is genuine communication between you two about what happened and about your respective thoughts/feelings/expectations things going forward. You're hurt by his actions and want HIM to reach out and want HIM to apologize, yes that's understandable, but don't become so preoccupied with it that you lose sight of what is in the best interest for both of you. What's best for both of you is an honest talk with one another (not at one another) and it doesn't matter who reaches out to initiate this talk, what matters is that it gets done in the interest of better understanding each other and better understanding where your relationship is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So get divorced. These posts are so stupid. "He shoved me. He's a jerk. He's always been tough to live with but now he's getting worse. What do I do?!" Is the answer really not obvious?

Excuse me? Are you really this emotionally tone deaf?

NP here. At least PP offered some advice. You people criticizing her response haven't offered anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you talked to him about it?
Sit him down tell him how you feel about his reaction and your feelings and fears regarding the deliberate push and see what he has to say.

Well, it just happened, so we haven't had a chance to talk. Immediately after he did it I told him to just leave the house and I would do drop off. (So he won, ha ha!) It's hard to sit down and be emotionally honest with him because I feel so angry and mistreated. I feel like HE should be groveling to me, not the other way around. But my rational self knows that I do need to just sit down and talk calmly with him because he just loses his fucking mind (blows up, but more often shuts down) during confrontations.

Please don't exacerbate the situation by throwing vengeful pride into the equation I feel like HE should be groveling to me. What is needed now is genuine communication between you two about what happened and about your respective thoughts/feelings/expectations things going forward. You're hurt by his actions and want HIM to reach out and want HIM to apologize, yes that's understandable, but don't become so preoccupied with it that you lose sight of what is in the best interest for both of you. What's best for both of you is an honest talk with one another (not at one another) and it doesn't matter who reaches out to initiate this talk, what matters is that it gets done in the interest of better understanding each other and better understanding where your relationship is.

Actually, it's the three of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So get divorced. These posts are so stupid. "He shoved me. He's a jerk. He's always been tough to live with but now he's getting worse. What do I do?!" Is the answer really not obvious?

Obviously not. We have a small son and divorce would be difficult on many levels. I think most people understand the desire to avoid divorce if possible.

Ah makes sense. I agree it's so much better to live with someone who pushes you and who you admit is an extremely difficult person to live with. You guys are excellent role models for your son. Glad you are getting some therapy for yourself at least. Sounds like you need it.

You are seriously clueless.

I don't get people who reflexively say "divorce" as if it's so easy with a child. you realize that the father would likely get 50/50 custody. The mother goes from being in her son's life 100% of the time to 50% of the time, with no knowledge or influence over what happens in that 50% of the time. None. That is not an easy decision to make, nor one that might be in the best interest of the child.

This, times just hundreds of thousands. How do people not get this? My dad was a good dad but a difficult, hard to get along with person, and being alone with him 50% of the time would have been Hell. My mom knew this and protected us from that -- she was a buffer. We needed her. Staying "just" for the kids is not quite the stupid thing so many of you seem to believe it is. Your three year old doesn't care if you follow your bliss and live a life free of marital stress, no matter what you tell yourself. Barring abuse, which is indeed a deal breaker OP, mental or physical, addictions, money abuse, etc., I believe parents have a duty and an obligation to work it out. It simply isn't about you. Could you leave your child alone with this person knowing how he would be treating him about drop off? who could? seriously? And the trend is indeed 50% custody. It places women married to lackluster fathers over a barrel. It really does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The way you explain it, it sounds like he was just stomping and bull-rushing out the door because he was in a bad mood. I wouldn't say that equates with an intentional push to cause harm.

That said, if he's a jerk that's an issue you can and should address. Unclear.

I'm certain it was intentional, but somewhat less of an "intentional push to cause harm." Still, it was a use of physical force.

Oh, forgot to add that DH comes from an abusive background - his dad used to beat him up until he got big enough to fight back in his teens. I have never asked, but fairly sure his dad must have also hit his mom.

So it's just a matter of time before he starts laying hands on your son. Way to keep the family's heritage moving along.

[Anonymous]

I disagree that this will automatically escalate into overt physical abuse of the child, but as someone (a man) who was in an emotionally abusive (because physically was not an option for her) relationship, this kind of anger to intimidate behavior is abusive and unacceptable.

I think the OP needs to get into therapy for herself ASAP - not because there's anything "wrong" with the OP, but to have a professional support network to help her navigate out of this situation. That could mean anything from divorce to working with her husband to go into therapy himself to learn to manage his behavior and be a better spouse and parent.

Anger is a useful emotion and not in and of itself a problem. The problem is angry behavior; any kind of uncontrolled behavior really - mature, mentally healthy adults know how to manage their behavior. It's possible the husband is acting out but is not an abuser. It's possible he is an abuser. Either way, a professional is much better equipped to give the OP advice about how to tackle this than the DCUM peanut gallery.