This is the 1st time DH and I have had opposite views on something important/ personal value
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Anonymous
| Sounds like the issue is he wants lower cost than here and you want family proximity. You can have both. He should toughen up and get over weather. Weather is good and bad everywhere. Being near family is an investment in your kids and marriage because it's fortifying and supportive. Why not see a couples therapist to help you guys learn how to approach this and other conflicting wants. You should boy aspire to have all your wants match your husband. |
Anonymous
| I meant NOT aspire |
Anonymous
| So basically he wants out of the NE all together? And all family is on this coast? This isn't a great idea. Lots of people romanticize the south. We moved frequently as I grew up, and while there are certainly some pretty areas, COL is lower there for a reason. Education, diversity, culture are hugely variable. Not saying you can't find these things, but you end up compromising on at least some of them. If family connections exist in those areas, it can be worth it. To be isolated there sounds like a bad idea. And I'm not someone who's DC-centric...we moved about 16 times in my childhood, on all coasts. The COL here kills me (I'm a single parent), but, I'm here for a reason and I'm glad to bring DD up in this area. |
Anonymous
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Just an FYI, OP, that these kinds of discussions and conflicts are really common after you have your first child. It's not just you and DH!
The one thing I think you can do is try to listen to DH get out his feelings. Don't automatically shut it down. There might be some compromises or room to adjust your lives here and not move--or you might want to move to a different kind of suburb or or or. There's room to figure out how to get more of what you both want out of life. |
Anonymous
| I'm going to assume that his job is easily transferable and you're a SAHM. Do you plan to reenter the workforce? Would it be easier for you to find a job here or in the south? |
Anonymous
OP here- I realize the more details I give the more obvious I could be to anyone reading it that knows me, but oh well. He's in a tech field that allows him to be in lots of different places. I actually don't stay at home but I'm on a 70% work schedule after the baby, but also my 'industry' is everywhere in varying degrees in the USA as long as I am open to different missions or types of work etc (NGO management/ public management) I am glad to hear that having tough conversations can pop up more when you go from being a childless couple with a lot more freedom to having kids and feeling more tied down and all that comes with the new sort of emotions and priorities of being parents. My family is in New England and NY, his in New England (and his brother is actually down south for at least the next 3 years -residency-, but they don't talk that much, its not a draw for him to be closer to his brother- he's not even looking within driving distance to where he is in FL) We will see what comes of it, I think we can find a compromise of course I just am not sure how to make that happen without one of us getting everything and the other nothing (kind of like you can't turn left and right at the same time, there isn't always a middle) |
Anonymous
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How about Charlotte, NC? South, but near the NE.
Compromise is one thing, but refusing to take your needs into account simply because they are not also his needs is a problem. (Vice versa, by the way, so you need to take his desire to break new ground and live in a more hospitable climate as seriously as he needs to take your desire to be near family.) |
Anonymous
There are less expensive places to live in the northeast that people like - Upstate NY/Western Mass/Parts of Conn/Maine etc. Though if he is romanticizing southern weather, then this isn't going to help. PP is right- so many discussions come up like this once you have kids. How you prioritize education, family, putting down roots etc. are all hot button issues. Don't feel sad or that this means anything bigger in your marriage. But know that you probably will hit a bunch of these speed bumps in the years to come. |
Anonymous
NP here. It really depends on the couple. There are couples who both have a dream to live in Alaska or Europe and they do it and their families get used to it. Or military families. Both partners are on the same pages and it works out and grandma and grandpa visit and get used to it. Then there are couples where one or the other are very close to their family of origin--it's an expectation to see their parents every weekend, for their siblings to walk in and out whenever they want (the way it had been in my family two generations ago when they all lived in the same neighborhood). Depends on how you feel about it. A wife my love the idea of her parents being a constant presence while her husband is reeling in the basement hiding from the imposing ILs. I think you need to find a compromise and really talk to him. Maybe your DH is looking down the road and simply doesn't want to spend the next 30 years trudging to the metro, half the time in cold weather, to commute to work an hour-plus each way. Maybe he doesn't foresee big raises and thinks you're going to be struggling at some point with him taking on extra work not to give your children a better life but more to keep you near your family. Is it worth it to HIM? It is to you obviously, but maybe not to him, and he has a right to feel that way. Is your happiness as a couple and the happiness and success of your children dependent on your whole family being nearby? I ask this as someone who has had to give up leaving near my parents. They live in a very expensive place, that, if we stayed where they are and found a house there that would require an insane mortgage, our lives would be an economic disaster. |
Anonymous
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You guys sound like us.
This is just a new phase. You are both maturing and changing, and as long as you keep communicating, you will continue to do it together. It's okay to have these disagreements. But can you compromise? |
Anonymous
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What about somewhere in Pennsylvania? Winters are almost the same as here, lower COL, and you'd be a little closer to family if you're in eastern PA?
I'd hate to move anywhere further south than here with the long-term climate forecast for the Southeast that it's going to be even hotter in the summer, with less frequent rainfall and more frequent big storms. |
Anonymous
| Your DH sounds like he wants two things, cheaper living and southern living. Well, we can't have everything we want in life. Sounds like if he gets one he will be happier and that's great because one of those solutions, lower COL, works with you getting what you want, which is to be near family. If he has an issue with being TOO near family, you can choose a place that's near but not down the block. |
Anonymous
I agree with all of this, but especially the bolded. Having kids really changes your perspective on all kinds of things and it takes a while to reestablish equilibrium in a couple in your new reality. So first give it time. Then give it patience. Then maybe seek someone out to help you and your husband navigate these conversations more helpfully. It sounds like you've found yourself unexpectedly at odds, and about surprisingly deep seated, not fully rational, feelings. That's really not surprising or unusual. But you also sound like you have an excellent foundation and long history that supports you in working this out well. I really think you'll figure it out. It will probably entail compromise, and neither party getting their "dream/fantasy" life - but who really does? Good luck OP. Have faith in the relationship you've built and allow for some time to reconfigure what works now that it's more than just you and your husband in the picture. |
Anonymous
| One thing you can do to compromise is set a timeline. Right now, with a little one, you need family. Maybe you need family around until the youngest goes to K (just making stuff up here). At that point, you agree, you'll try life in another city. Of course when you get to that point you'll have to be willing to actually make the change. |
Anonymous
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I suggest doing some research and visiting some places both in the south and near family. You might find out that some southern places hold more appeal than you had thought or your dh might find out they're not as attractive as he'd thought.
I'm a big believer in doing research and then deciding these things. Good luck, OP! Hope things work out for you folks. |