The Red Flag in common: looking for opportunities to be offended

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dunno. My SIL is easily offended but I don't think anyone would describe her as toxic or difficult. She is very insecure, nervous, and quietly a pessimist. I mostly feel sorry for her.

I think that's one way this attitude manifests itself but the way we are all thinking is just anger. These people are SO QUICK to anger over the most innocuous comment or gesture.

[Anonymous]

I have a lifelong friend who has this trait. Sadly, we have grown apart over the years in large part due to this tendancy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dunno. My SIL is easily offended but I don't think anyone would describe her as toxic or difficult. She is very insecure, nervous, and quietly a pessimist. I mostly feel sorry for her.

I think it becomes toxic when the person who keeps getting offended acts like a victim and is constantly accusing people of being horrid. It doesn't stay internal. It leads to bigger drama.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are describing my husband. He is taking every little innocent or funny remark as a huge personal blow to his ego. He is tallying up his "suffering". We are on the verge of divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dunno. My SIL is easily offended but I don't think anyone would describe her as toxic or difficult. She is very insecure, nervous, and quietly a pessimist. I mostly feel sorry for her.

I think it becomes toxic when the person who keeps getting offended acts like a victim and is constantly accusing people of being horrid. It doesn't stay internal. It leads to bigger drama.

OP here. Thanks for continuing this thread!

THIS here is the key- its the frequency of the "offenses". It can seem at first just like what the PP describes with SIL. There is a sense of pity once can feel for such a person.

However, I have noticed that this pity can be the hook that draws you in. The toxic person who is obsessed with tallying the wrongs done unto them elicits pity for what by all appearances can be legitimate wrongs. Only over time once you get a chance to collect more information about the events that are CONSTANTLY being re-assessed and re-tooled for content and meaning by the "victim" do you find yourself saying OMG.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I call "the bristle", which is a NON stated NON verbal but nonetheless perceivable combination of body language, expression and "vibe", is a big one for me. It always takes place during very neutral innocuous conversation about general topics, like food choices, or movie preferences,etc. Nothing heated at all- no trigger things like politics or religion... Some people might call this trait being judgmental- its kind of like that, but it begins with that bristling "offended at the mere presence of a contrasting reality" thing.

I'm the OP of the toxic judging friend thread, and this is EXACTLY what I was talking about. It's not as extreme as a pearl-clutch, but there's a definite air of "Well, I've never!"

Thanks for posting. Yes, I had a sense that we were on the same wavelength.

Ive had bristles from the mom of one of DD's friends on the following:

The term "best friend" (later her daughter recited what sounded like a script "My friend X says she doesnt have any best friends, all friends are friends: to which mom awkwardly added "Yes, X is a happy kid that way." So they have an issue with the term "best friend".WHatever.

Showing her and her daughter a two minute video on my phone of a father and preschool age daughter singing. The "bristle" happened when I said "Let me show you something totally cute". (MAJOR BRISTLE- but she enjoyed the video in spite of herself).

I later pieced together that she has ominously said to her daughter "I didnt say you could do that" when her daughter held my daughters $70 tablet about which DD was very excited for a grand total of under one minute, AND another time when I asked her what she limited her daughters screen time to, and she replied, "20 minutes". So she is a screen time Nazi. Fine. But lighten up lady. Then again, this is not what such persons do.

There are other examples. These two things by themselves seem trivial, but with the others and with my body of experience with these "signs" I am pre-emptively concluding that this mom and I are not all that compatible because I dont live up to her standards.


Other examples of this mom include her trotting out her education research credentials when we are talking about educational topics (we both homeschool) and disagreeing loudly with something I read in a book that I was relating to her before she let me finish, requiring me to gently request that she let me finish, which meant that what I was saying was very different from what she expected me to say. Thats what happens when you interrupt people lady! You might not be a mind reader!

I would not call her toxic. But she is starting to bug me because she is not "live and let live" to the extent that I strongly prefer for anyone I am going to hang out with.

I have however known truly toxic people who started out seeming ok, or nice but with bad luck, and over time I realized in horror that they were very invested in their victimhood. And I mean with tenacity that seems counterintuitive. I now have only three such people that were separated by many years- Im 46 now. Im just looking to avoid being fooled again. They were all so different, yet in the end they had that one trait in common.

I think the "friend" who was deeply offended that someone at the pool asked her where she was going on vacation is a great example. She went on and on and ON to me on the phone later that day about What Kind Of Person asks that kind of question- not everyone can afford a vacation. I cant afford a vacation, I just got out of the hospital and I am a single mom and I havent planned any vacation. etc etc etc.

Her personal situation which was difficult so clouded her judgement that she took offense at an inoccuous question, right? Im thinking WRONG. Because this obsession with ascribing sinister motivations to all people at all times has produced countless other examples of her "calculus" that she tools and retools to fit what she is most invested in: the idea that other people do her personal wrongs all the time as a matter of course. She would not even consider the idea that this person was just making conversation, thoughtlessly perhaps, but merely conversing and not part of the conspiracy to bring her down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I call "the bristle", which is a NON stated NON verbal but nonetheless perceivable combination of body language, expression and "vibe", is a big one for me. It always takes place during very neutral innocuous conversation about general topics, like food choices, or movie preferences,etc. Nothing heated at all- no trigger things like politics or religion... Some people might call this trait being judgmental- its kind of like that, but it begins with that bristling "offended at the mere presence of a contrasting reality" thing.

I'm the OP of the toxic judging friend thread, and this is EXACTLY what I was talking about. It's not as extreme as a pearl-clutch, but there's a definite air of "Well, I've never!"

Thanks for posting. Yes, I had a sense that we were on the same wavelength.

Ive had bristles from the mom of one of DD's friends on the following:

The term "best friend" (later her daughter recited what sounded like a script "My friend X says she doesnt have any best friends, all friends are friends: to which mom awkwardly added "Yes, X is a happy kid that way." So they have an issue with the term "best friend".WHatever.

Showing her and her daughter a two minute video on my phone of a father and preschool age daughter singing. The "bristle" happened when I said "Let me show you something totally cute". (MAJOR BRISTLE- but she enjoyed the video in spite of herself).

I later pieced together that she has ominously said to her daughter "I didnt say you could do that" when her daughter held my daughters $70 tablet about which DD was very excited for a grand total of under one minute, AND another time when I asked her what she limited her daughters screen time to, and she replied, "20 minutes". So she is a screen time Nazi. Fine. But lighten up lady. Then again, this is not what such persons do.

There are other examples. These two things by themselves seem trivial, but with the others and with my body of experience with these "signs" I am pre-emptively concluding that this mom and I are not all that compatible because I dont live up to her standards.


Other examples of this mom include her trotting out her education research credentials when we are talking about educational topics (we both homeschool) and disagreeing loudly with something I read in a book that I was relating to her before she let me finish, requiring me to gently request that she let me finish, which meant that what I was saying was very different from what she expected me to say. Thats what happens when you interrupt people lady! You might not be a mind reader!

I would not call her toxic. But she is starting to bug me because she is not "live and let live" to the extent that I strongly prefer for anyone I am going to hang out with.

I have however known truly toxic people who started out seeming ok, or nice but with bad luck, and over time I realized in horror that they were very invested in their victimhood. And I mean with tenacity that seems counterintuitive. I now have only three such people that were separated by many years- Im 46 now. Im just looking to avoid being fooled again. They were all so different, yet in the end they had that one trait in common.

I think the "friend" who was deeply offended that someone at the pool asked her where she was going on vacation is a great example. She went on and on and ON to me on the phone later that day about What Kind Of Person asks that kind of question- not everyone can afford a vacation. I cant afford a vacation, I just got out of the hospital and I am a single mom and I havent planned any vacation. etc etc etc.

Her personal situation which was difficult so clouded her judgement that she took offense at an inoccuous question, right? Im thinking WRONG. Because this obsession with ascribing sinister motivations to all people at all times has produced countless other examples of her "calculus" that she tools and retools to fit what she is most invested in: the idea that other people do her personal wrongs all the time as a matter of course. She would not even consider the idea that this person was just making conversation, thoughtlessly perhaps, but merely conversing and not part of the conspiracy to bring her down.

On the same wavelength? If you are not sock puppeting then you were separated at birth. I can't understand how any of this meshes with your manifesto. You got it right when you said "these things seem trivial." You're trying to see what the common denominator is so you can avoid it in the future -- you can't, it's you. You are the one who is offended and you have listed all the offenses in this long-winded post. Phew, what nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I call "the bristle", which is a NON stated NON verbal but nonetheless perceivable combination of body language, expression and "vibe", is a big one for me. It always takes place during very neutral innocuous conversation about general topics, like food choices, or movie preferences,etc. Nothing heated at all- no trigger things like politics or religion... Some people might call this trait being judgmental- its kind of like that, but it begins with that bristling "offended at the mere presence of a contrasting reality" thing.

I'm the OP of the toxic judging friend thread, and this is EXACTLY what I was talking about. It's not as extreme as a pearl-clutch, but there's a definite air of "Well, I've never!"

Thanks for posting. Yes, I had a sense that we were on the same wavelength.

Ive had bristles from the mom of one of DD's friends on the following:

The term "best friend" (later her daughter recited what sounded like a script "My friend X says she doesnt have any best friends, all friends are friends: to which mom awkwardly added "Yes, X is a happy kid that way." So they have an issue with the term "best friend".WHatever.

Showing her and her daughter a two minute video on my phone of a father and preschool age daughter singing. The "bristle" happened when I said "Let me show you something totally cute". (MAJOR BRISTLE- but she enjoyed the video in spite of herself).

I later pieced together that she has ominously said to her daughter "I didnt say you could do that" when her daughter held my daughters $70 tablet about which DD was very excited for a grand total of under one minute, AND another time when I asked her what she limited her daughters screen time to, and she replied, "20 minutes". So she is a screen time Nazi. Fine. But lighten up lady. Then again, this is not what such persons do.

There are other examples. These two things by themselves seem trivial, but with the others and with my body of experience with these "signs" I am pre-emptively concluding that this mom and I are not all that compatible because I dont live up to her standards.


Other examples of this mom include her trotting out her education research credentials when we are talking about educational topics (we both homeschool) and disagreeing loudly with something I read in a book that I was relating to her before she let me finish, requiring me to gently request that she let me finish, which meant that what I was saying was very different from what she expected me to say. Thats what happens when you interrupt people lady! You might not be a mind reader!

I would not call her toxic. But she is starting to bug me because she is not "live and let live" to the extent that I strongly prefer for anyone I am going to hang out with.

I have however known truly toxic people who started out seeming ok, or nice but with bad luck, and over time I realized in horror that they were very invested in their victimhood. And I mean with tenacity that seems counterintuitive. I now have only three such people that were separated by many years- Im 46 now. Im just looking to avoid being fooled again. They were all so different, yet in the end they had that one trait in common.

I think the "friend" who was deeply offended that someone at the pool asked her where she was going on vacation is a great example. She went on and on and ON to me on the phone later that day about What Kind Of Person asks that kind of question- not everyone can afford a vacation. I cant afford a vacation, I just got out of the hospital and I am a single mom and I havent planned any vacation. etc etc etc.

Her personal situation which was difficult so clouded her judgement that she took offense at an inoccuous question, right? Im thinking WRONG. Because this obsession with ascribing sinister motivations to all people at all times has produced countless other examples of her "calculus" that she tools and retools to fit what she is most invested in: the idea that other people do her personal wrongs all the time as a matter of course. She would not even consider the idea that this person was just making conversation, thoughtlessly perhaps, but merely conversing and not part of the conspiracy to bring her down.

On the same wavelength? If you are not sock puppeting then you were separated at birth. I can't understand how any of this meshes with your manifesto. You got it right when you said "these things seem trivial." You're trying to see what the common denominator is so you can avoid it in the future -- you can't, it's you. You are the one who is offended and you have listed all the offenses in this long-winded post. Phew, what nonsense.

Ditto. This was SO hilarious. The easily offended one who spent hours typing out her own list of grievances. Exhausting!

[Anonymous]

OP here. Its ok you dont get, and its hard to explain in one post. But the bottom line is, these individuals stand out completley among the total people Ive interacted with.

Three individuals over 20 years have puzzled me, all turned out to have entrenched problems in all their relationships, but I didnt see that.

I was trying to remember the first "sign" somethign was "off" and it was looking for opportunities to be offended. Its a "you know it when you see it" kind of thing.

All people have minor triggers, the "well I never" but with these people it goes deeper.

Anyone who likes to avoid trouble and drama might try to figure out the common thread.

My close friends totally get this, and we discuss it. They have their own versions of the same thing: trying to figure out how that first narcissist slipped by their filter at work is a common one.

The signs seem small and trivial at first, but they build over time.

My close friends, like myself, do not easily offend and dont comment on how other people do things. Also, I probably need to avoid anxious people, but they are drawn to me because I make the comfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anyone on DCUM is free to read or not read a post. I dont understand comments about "long" posts. Posts are posts. Read them or dont. But why read and complain you read? Kinda weird.

Maybe thats what people who look for opportunities to be offended might do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I call "the bristle", which is a NON stated NON verbal but nonetheless perceivable combination of body language, expression and "vibe", is a big one for me. It always takes place during very neutral innocuous conversation about general topics, like food choices, or movie preferences,etc. Nothing heated at all- no trigger things like politics or religion... Some people might call this trait being judgmental- its kind of like that, but it begins with that bristling "offended at the mere presence of a contrasting reality" thing.

I'm the OP of the toxic judging friend thread, and this is EXACTLY what I was talking about. It's not as extreme as a pearl-clutch, but there's a definite air of "Well, I've never!"

Thanks for posting. Yes, I had a sense that we were on the same wavelength...

On the same wavelength? If you are not sock puppeting then you were separated at birth. I can't understand how any of this meshes with your manifesto. You got it right when you said "these things seem trivial." You're trying to see what the common denominator is so you can avoid it in the future -- you can't, it's you. You are the one who is offended and you have listed all the offenses in this long-winded post. Phew, what nonsense.

I'm the OP of the toxic judging friend thread, but not the PP you're responding to.

[Anonymous]

OP again. Just updating with some new information that confirmed my suspicion.

Indeed the person I noticed who was bristling randomly and generally acting like she was looking for opportunities to be offended is indeed a toxic person. I spoke at length with a mutual acquaintance to whom I decided to reveal my observations, and she was so relieved to find that she was not the only one. It turns out she was truly harassed by this woman, as they worked together on a project with their respective kids, and she was in receipt of constant nasty judgements about her parenting, her kids, pretty vile and over the top stuff. Definitely this person is highly imbalanced.

She must have sensed I would not be receptive to her way of doing things, so I only got the bristles and the inexplicable silences that felt weird. But I was onto her and cut the cord.

Anyway, my reason for posting all this is to let people know to trust their instincts and use past experiences to avoid a repeat. Ive only dealt with two of these kinds of people over the past 8 years since I had my daughter, and they are people I met ONLY because I have a kid and they did too. So these are not "chosen" relationships in the sense that I was used to.