The Red Flag in common: looking for opportunities to be offended

[Anonymous]

I once heard Wayne Dyer make the joke "If you look for opportunities in life to be offended, you won't be disappointed". He was telling the story about how he was jogging in the hallways of his hotel to get some quick exercise, and an elderly woman opened her room door to see what was going on. She asked him what he was doing, and he said he was jogging to get some quick exercise, to which she smiled and replied "Oh!". He added that here was a person NOT looking for opportunities to be offended. And as a result they had a pleasant brief exchange.

Well, that phrase "looking for opportunities to be offended" always stuck with me. And just this morning I put together in my mind that EVERY toxic and difficult person I have had to deal with had this trait.

Personality disorders have many responses in common with what would appear like garden variety responses to situations, until you look at the overall pattern. The problem is that it takes time for a pattern to emerge, and some of the worst toxic ones can take years. Sometimes its family members, sometimes "friends". In either case, bottom lining things is not always so easy.

In addition to recalling that ALL the truly difficult people I have been forced to interact with regularly share this trait in common, I have also noticed I actually use this trait, when it appears, as a Red Flag of someone to avoid. What I call "the bristle", which is a NON stated NON verbal but nonetheless perceivable combination of body language, expression and "vibe", is a big one for me. It always takes place during very neutral inoccocuous conversation about general topics, like food choices, or movie preferences,etc. Nothing heated at all- no trigger things like politics or religion. I will give some examples of "the bristle" that I noticed with the mom of a one of my daughters friends later on, but I wanted to open up this general topic to see if it matches other people's experiences.

Thankfully, dealing with this type of thing is RARE for me, but it does happen. (My dad married a very toxic woman after my mom died).

Some people might call this trait being judgemental- its kind of like that, but it begins with that bristling "offended at the mere presence of a contrasting reality" thing.

[Anonymous]

I would somewhat agree with this. I am always surprised at the things my husband will choose to get offended over. Innocuous comments that I easily brush off or don't read too much into will just get him incredibly riled up. I always think, "Why?" He can be a bit like this. He's not toxic but he's definitely one of those who is quick to read the WORST into a situation whereas I am opposite.

[Anonymous]

Lots of people on DCUM who love to be offended. It is an addiction.

[Anonymous]

I also think those people are selfish and self-centered. Of course they would claim they are the most selfless person they know.

[Anonymous]

"Choose to not be offended." If more people would follow this, there would be fewer grumpy, angry people schlepping through the universe, and through the McLean Giant in particular.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Choose to not be offended." If more people would follow this, there would be fewer grumpy, angry people schlepping through the universe, and through the McLean Giant in particular.

ha ha!

[Anonymous]

What you are saying has a great deal of merit. I would caution, however, that vitually everyone has a "bristle" subject or two over which their defenses will go up. You have to observe the person in a variety of situations to determine if they are really out to be offended.

[Anonymous]

Most of us tend to think about how we are affected more than how we affect others around us. I have to constantly remind myself that in 99% of the cases people are dealing with their own lives and situations and have nothing against me personally. Extending some empathy is always a plus too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of people on DCUM who love to be offended. It is an addiction.

Go to hell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What I call "the bristle", which is a NON stated NON verbal but nonetheless perceivable combination of body language, expression and "vibe", is a big one for me. It always takes place during very neutral innocuous conversation about general topics, like food choices, or movie preferences,etc. Nothing heated at all- no trigger things like politics or religion... Some people might call this trait being judgmental- its kind of like that, but it begins with that bristling "offended at the mere presence of a contrasting reality" thing.

I'm the OP of the toxic judging friend thread, and this is EXACTLY what I was talking about. It's not as extreme as a pearl-clutch, but there's a definite air of "Well, I've never!"

[Anonymous]

YES! OP, my mother was this way. "Did you see the look such and such gave me?" "I can't believe the way she said such and such" etc

So exasperating! Chill out people!

[Anonymous]

Yup. Some of the most difficult people I know (and the most destructive in terms of relationships) have this in common.

[Anonymous]

I dunno. My SIL is easily offended but I don't think anyone would describe her as toxic or difficult. She is very insecure, nervous, and quietly a pessimist. I mostly feel sorry for her.

[Anonymous]

Yes, easily offended people are usually toxic. I keep my distance from them.

[Anonymous]

Well, you are describing my next door neighbor- a very wounded/needy individual. DH warned me from the get-go to give this lady space, that it was only a matter of time before things got dicey. Unfortunately I didn't listen.

Every time we got together she had another tale of victim hood and I always politely supported her and tried to empathize while feeling a bit weary and uncertain of who the actual victim in the story was.