Would you move to another state if you were divorced and had kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's terrible that their mom moved away. What an awful thing to do to kids. I would absolutely not move away from my children while they are still in high school or younger, and I would have no respect for my husband if he abandoned his kids like that. Just because his ex did it doesn't make it right.

The father could have negotiated no move was allowed in custody agreement when it was hammered out, particularly if they had joint custody, which I'm guessing he never wanted or didn't get for a good reason. This stipulation is made all the time.

He probably was an absentee father from pre-divorce.

Not OP, but obviously you are clueless if you think that it is that easy for a father to get custody or even 50/50. Years ago, the best dads got was every other weekend and a few weeks in the summer. Many of those orders are still in effect as judges don't like to change status quo.

OP, in our situation with very limited contact due to the mom, I would move if it were best for our family. If he seems them a lot and is very involved, then you have to look at the total situation. If mom doesn't support visitation, then I would go and just be prepared to pay for plane tickets a few times a year for visits. Reality is if he doesn't have 50/50 and just 2 weeks a month, the contact is positive for the kids but not that substantial when you look at it over a year.

How many years ago? One of my closest friends has a 16 year old and shares joint custody with the father. The same age as these kids in question. One week with dad, one week with mom since he was 2. Mom wanted to move out of area with new family and took it to court. Court said no. It was in their original custody agreement that kid couldn't move out of the area unless both parents agreed. I was friends with her at the time of divorce. It was not a friendly divorce either. So there's one dad that managed it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's terrible that their mom moved away. What an awful thing to do to kids. I would absolutely not move away from my children while they are still in high school or younger, and I would have no respect for my husband if he abandoned his kids like that. Just because his ex did it doesn't make it right.

The father could have negotiated no move was allowed in custody agreement when it was hammered out, particularly if they had joint custody, which I'm guessing he never wanted or didn't get for a good reason. This stipulation is made all the time.

He probably was an absentee father from pre-divorce.

Not OP, but obviously you are clueless if you think that it is that easy for a father to get custody or even 50/50. Years ago, the best dads got was every other weekend and a few weeks in the summer. Many of those orders are still in effect as judges don't like to change status quo.

OP, in our situation with very limited contact due to the mom, I would move if it were best for our family. If he seems them a lot and is very involved, then you have to look at the total situation. If mom doesn't support visitation, then I would go and just be prepared to pay for plane tickets a few times a year for visits. Reality is if he doesn't have 50/50 and just 2 weeks a month, the contact is positive for the kids but not that substantial when you look at it over a year.

Exactly this. And people negotiating for custody in their 20s didn't think to put no moving stipulations, nor were many dads capable of 50/50 physical custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - he is as involved as he can be. They were only married for two years, after first kid was born. It was a mistake and she has always been extremely difficult to deal with. She doesn't allow him to be involved past a certain point. One kid is in high school and the other in middle school. He is definitely concerned, but overall I think men are able to compartmentalize emotions/issues when making decisions. I forgot to add that most of his family lives in the DC area, another reason I feel bad, though you really can't be tied to a certain place because of this. We also have two young kids together.

I know that it will be best for us to live and work somewhere that we want to establish roots but I also know that I am going to be the scapegoat for the decision and will feel guilty leaving. The other option is to wait until the kids graduate high school, but by then our kids will be older and it will be harder to move them from their elementary school and life here.

How does he have a kid in high school and a kid in middle school and yet was divorced two years after the first kid? Did they have second child after divorce? It was a mistake twice?

She might be difficult but he clearly didn't want to put up a fight either. He had legal rights. Period. Lots of people make this decision but don't make up bullshit excuses for him. It sucks for those kids. And don't think they don't get it.

Definitely sucks, but how much better would it be in 4-6 years?

I think this is a cop out and an excuse for the DH to do what he really wants to do. If things suck, do you try to make them better or do you just say "oh well, this sucks" and move on with your life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's terrible that their mom moved away. What an awful thing to do to kids. I would absolutely not move away from my children while they are still in high school or younger, and I would have no respect for my husband if he abandoned his kids like that. Just because his ex did it doesn't make it right.

The father could have negotiated no move was allowed in custody agreement when it was hammered out, particularly if they had joint custody, which I'm guessing he never wanted or didn't get for a good reason. This stipulation is made all the time.

He probably was an absentee father from pre-divorce.

Not OP, but obviously you are clueless if you think that it is that easy for a father to get custody or even 50/50. Years ago, the best dads got was every other weekend and a few weeks in the summer. Many of those orders are still in effect as judges don't like to change status quo.

OP, in our situation with very limited contact due to the mom, I would move if it were best for our family. If he seems them a lot and is very involved, then you have to look at the total situation. If mom doesn't support visitation, then I would go and just be prepared to pay for plane tickets a few times a year for visits. Reality is if he doesn't have 50/50 and just 2 weeks a month, the contact is positive for the kids but not that substantial when you look at it over a year.

Exactly this. And people negotiating for custody in their 20s didn't think to put no moving stipulations, nor were many dads capable of 50/50 physical custody.

I'm 12:53. Maybe my friend's husband was the only guy thinking of this. Seems crazy to me that people just let their kids go like this, but ok. And why aren't the dads capable of physical custody exactly? They might not want to do it, but not capable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's terrible that their mom moved away. What an awful thing to do to kids. I would absolutely not move away from my children while they are still in high school or younger, and I would have no respect for my husband if he abandoned his kids like that. Just because his ex did it doesn't make it right.

The father could have negotiated no move was allowed in custody agreement when it was hammered out, particularly if they had joint custody, which I'm guessing he never wanted or didn't get for a good reason. This stipulation is made all the time.

He probably was an absentee father from pre-divorce.

Not OP, but obviously you are clueless if you think that it is that easy for a father to get custody or even 50/50. Years ago, the best dads got was every other weekend and a few weeks in the summer. Many of those orders are still in effect as judges don't like to change status quo.

OP, in our situation with very limited contact due to the mom, I would move if it were best for our family. If he seems them a lot and is very involved, then you have to look at the total situation. If mom doesn't support visitation, then I would go and just be prepared to pay for plane tickets a few times a year for visits. Reality is if he doesn't have 50/50 and just 2 weeks a month, the contact is positive for the kids but not that substantial when you look at it over a year.

+1

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't do it, but I love my kids and wouldn't want to be that far away from them or that disconnected from their lives. It doesn't sound like your DH feels this way about his own kids, though.

[Anonymous]

I am divorced with a child, and no, I wouldn't. Neither would his very involved dad.

[Anonymous]

I'm contemplating divorce while "we" contemplate moving to another state. If we divorce, I will still move. I will just take the opportunity to separate and move into my own place, but no way in hell would I force separation from either parent on my kid.

[Anonymous]

At those ages, I'd strongly take the kids opinion in to account. Who knows, maybe they'd welcome not having to schedule their weekend plans around which parent they're with. Or maybe the thought of spending summers in Arizona will sound terrible to them. Get their thoughts, include them in the process, the same way you probably would if they lived full time with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - he is as involved as he can be. They were only married for two years, after first kid was born. It was a mistake and she has always been extremely difficult to deal with. She doesn't allow him to be involved past a certain point. One kid is in high school and the other in middle school. He is definitely concerned, but overall I think men are able to compartmentalize emotions/issues when making decisions. I forgot to add that most of his family lives in the DC area, another reason I feel bad, though you really can't be tied to a certain place because of this. We also have two young kids together.

I know that it will be best for us to live and work somewhere that we want to establish roots but I also know that I am going to be the scapegoat for the decision and will feel guilty leaving. The other option is to wait until the kids graduate high school, but by then our kids will be older and it will be harder to move them from their elementary school and life here.

I'm not divorced but as a woman that basically had my biological dad not make any moves to have me in his life until I was an adult, I would say heck no. I bolded the part about his family being in DC area because I don't have the relationships with cousins, half-brother, uncles, grandparent etc because of the lack of relationship with biological dad. Likely the only way your DH's kids see his side of the family and your kids (their half-sibling) is by your DH being in the area. So it's not only about your step-kids having their dad geographically present and the perception of moving to the opposite coast with his new family once his kids are finally in the same state again but your kids miss out on one side of their family and their half-siblings.

[Anonymous]

That you would even consider this is mind boggling to me.
I would be all up in his a** for even considering this and seriously wondering why I married a man who thinks this even an option.
Heck, when I got married I would not even consider having my new DH and SD move across town into my brand new house because it would mean SD would have to change schools.
SMH!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That you would even consider this is mind boggling to me.
I would be all up in his a** for even considering this and seriously wondering why I married a man who thinks this even an option.
Heck, when I got married I would not even consider having my new DH and SD move across town into my brand new house because it would mean SD would have to change schools.
SMH!

Exactly this. These kids are in ms and hs--they need all the parenting support and love they can get. You said that the mother wasn't so great, so that means they need their dad CLOSE BY even more. Kids are not an accessory that you put on and take off when you're done. He can wait until they're out of hs.

[Anonymous]

No. Never. It is crazy to me people even consider this.

[Anonymous]

Some dads are not capable of 50/50 custody??? Please explain???

[Anonymous]

On the other hand, they may be less marketable as they get older and finding desirable jobs will be much harder. Where are you in your careers? Putting your happiness and career on hold for 6 or more years is also a lot to ask. Who knows, their mom may pick up and decide to move again.