Married to recovering alcoholic... Help!
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Anonymous
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First of all, you already know this, but you need to get into Al-Anon or individual counselling, aside from his recovery.
A great deal of relationships with addicts / recovering addicts do not survive. There's a lot of factors, but obviously issues with trust, co-dependence and relationship foundations are key. Programs (even ones like AA) do have a component about looking at relationships. That being said, it's possible that your husband isn't there yet. He may have other, deeper issues like past child abuse or self esteem issues that he needs to work on first before he can honestly look at relationships. There is no hard and fast timeline for recovery, not are "the steps" necessarily predictable in how they will flow. He may see that you are disappointed that your relationship started with fun and lots of wine - and not be quite ready to reshape that yet. Does that mean you have to stick it out? Heck no. This is your life path, and you have just as much right to happiness and recovery as he does. But he is in a place right now that means his sobriety is more important to him than anything. Rightly or wrongly. And this is where I'll refer you to sentence #1. It's not fair. He hurt you. But you need to get over it, get on with it, and find yourself some help too. As you seem to be forum friendly (making that assumption as you're here  ), Sites like soberrecovery.com have great family sections. You can also read the other forums to help you understand what's going on with your husband and his thought processes.
Good luck. You've been through a hard road, and I'm sorry to tell you, there is a hard road for both of you to healing. It's not impossible. It's worth it. But it needs to be a conscious decision, and you need to look out for yourself. |
Anonymous
You know, a lot of people travel, go to restaurants and host parties without drinking. Is he able to be around drinkers yet? If not, I can see the problem. If he is able to be around drinking and you still don't see the point or travel, restaurants, hosting friends, etc without alcohol you might have a problem as well. |
Anonymous
OP here. I realize I didn't explain this very well but obviously from other responses there are plenty of people who understand what it is like. Here is just one of many examples: he has turned his energies to the gym, which is great - he has a release, he is staying in shape, etc. we have 2 kids including one with special needs and intense jobs, and always agreed to split the work 50/50 (including when I made a big career leap recently only after he encouraged me to) but I've bent over backwards to make sure he gets that gym time. Except, he doesn't get his share of family stuff done, and I am giving up my own gym/friend/personal time to do his stuff and make space for him. For a year, even 4 or 5 while he gets a handle on staying sober, fine, but I'm looking ahead 10 years and thinking I don't want to spend the rest of my days with someone who always puts his own needs first, before kids or me. That's kind of what I'm asking here - is there any hope of going back to a more equal partnership or do I have 3 kids for the duration? As far as 12 step, he did a different type of program. I don't really know how it lines up with 12 step. I guess I just thought looking at your relationships would be a natural part of any recovery program, but maybe not... K |
Anonymous
| Just want to say that I am going through the exact same thing right now. However, after almost a year of sobriety my DH fell off the wagon recently and came very close to losing his job, as a result. I cannot believe I'm still putting up with this but we have children and I truly love him. We are going the couple's therapy route with an addiction specialist. I think the hardest part for me is this feeling that no matter how good things SEEM to be going, there's always that possibility that he could drink and it could have catastrophic results. When he drinks he binges and drives...blacks out. Very dangerous situations. I struggle with my anger (wow, such an enormous amount of anger) and hurt. Also the lack of trust makes things very hard and unfortunately can lead to resentment on his part. And yes, I agree, the recovery really is a very self-centered approach, from what I've seen so far. In some ways I can understand that, as he really does need to get himself well. At the same time, he has a family that he needs to be responsible for and accountable to. He has to figure out how to either balance the two for the sake of those he loves. I just make sure to be as compassionate as possible to him, and offer him a lot of positive recognition of his progress. I also told him point blank how angry I was and how he had to earn my trust back, but that I would not keep reminding him of the past, so to speak. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
PP here. To address this question...I clearly outlined my expectation for the future of our relationship and told him that he was either on board for a "partnership" (give and take, not take take take) or he wasn't. If he isn't willing to do the work, then I'm gone. The verdict is still out on that but so far I see a significant amount of effort being made. |
Anonymous
| Thanks PP, and wishing you the best possible outcome! I guess I need to man up and throw down that gauntlet. I was waiting for an obvious opening in he recovery path to do it. |
Anonymous
Agree with this. Even after my dad got sober, my mom continued to be angry with him. He wasn't perfect by any means but she had failed to see that there was more going on than just the drinking and that she was part of it. I wish she had gone to Al-Anon and learned to understand her role in the family dynamics. And, well, later I realized that she was a secret alcoholic and was very good at hiding it but that's another story. Good luck, OP! |
Anonymous
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OP, my life is very similar to yours, except for the fact that I don't really like to drink myself so don't mourn the loss of that part of our life together. But I, too, am married to a recovered alcoholic and have small children. Our marriage was severely damaged by the betrayals from when he was drinking but I'm committed to keep us together in adherence to my sickness and health marriage vows and out of not wanting to turn my childrens' lives upside down. I also nodded right along with what you said about him finding other addictions to replace the alcohol, the selfishness of that. Everyone in our life thinks he did such an amazing thing getting sober and does not understand how that doesn't just magically make it all better and that it's still very hard work. My husband replaced drinking and drugs with being a workaholic and chain smoking (which he didn't do before and disgusts me). Whenever he's not at work, I'm frequently alone in the house managing the kids while he's sneaking outside to smoke. So textbook for them to find a replacement, be glad yours is a healthy one.
Anyway, here are some suggestions I've learned from experience: -- I would say the most helpful thing we did was the weekend family program at Father Martin's Ashley, north of Baltimore. He was a patient there at the time, but you don't have to be to attend it. It would give you a chance to air out these issues you have with a team of addiction experts. You will see other families are struggling with the exact same things. And most importantly, it will teach you a lot about addiction so you will understand his behaviors and have some strategies for dealing with them. This was a hugely helpful bonding experience for us. -- Also, you need to pull in whatever resources you can to support you as a parent. We bleed money on this stuff, but it's the only way our family functions. Hire people to do whatever you can to help, lean on relatives and friends. You can't do it at the pace you are going. -- Work on keeping your side of the street clean. Meaning, don't let yourself become consumed by his addiction and instead work on your own issues and becoming the best person you can be. Find a way not to sacrifice your workouts or whatever else you need to stay physically, emotionally and mentally healthy. -- Along those lines, make time for yourself and what you enjoy. For me, that means carving out time with friends, venting to them when I need to and getting time to read. Having an addict in the family can consume all your energy - fight that. -- You also have to do a better job of trying to connect to him. That is really hard -- trust me, I know. I'm kind of lecturing myself here as a write this because it's easy for me just to tune him out. Our therapist warned me that divorce is inevitable, 100 percent going to happen, if I keep that up. Go on date nights, put down your phones and talk and you really have to have sex with him. It may sound like the last thing you want to do, but you must if you want to stay married, and it doesn't really take that long. In other words, when it comes to rebuilding closeness, you have to fake it until you make it. I'm still working to fake it in hopes of making it and hope you do, too. |
Anonymous
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Not the OP but thanks for your advice 16:40. You sound similar to a poster on a depression thread and that, too, was really helpful.
OP - I don't have a lot of advice for you since I'm in the midst of this myself. I just wanted to let you know that I totally understand how you feel and that you are entitled to feel the way you do. It's doing something with those feelings that's. Hugs! |