Married to recovering alcoholic... Help!

[Anonymous]

We've been married 10+ years, 2 kids (5 and 3). Our early years were filled with travel, great restaurants, lots of wine, etc. kids wore us down, and then the addiction became apparent. After several false starts, DH just marked 1 year of sobriety. Our marriage is a wreck. We dont fight or anything, and are good parents together, we just never spend any quality time together (evenings on respective electronic devices, no date nights, no sex for years).... Its pretty lonely. I think I am just really angry at him... I actually do understand addiction but the sneaking around, lying to my face ("are you drinking agin?") took its toll - it feels like being cheated on. And also, I know I cant do anything about this part, but a lot of our fun and recreation was food and wine related, from hosting parties to world travel, and now that's gone and I'm disappointed and sad and not sure what we'll do when we can travel and spend time together without kids.

I havent really talked to him about being angry because i wanted him to have the space he needed to get sober, but I thought his rehab program would at some point have turned to healing family wounds, and that seems not to have happened.

I know we need to just make time for counseling (easier said than done), but I have questions for anyone who has been through this: is it not typical for rehab programs (not AA but a real program) to spend some time on relationships? Can you recover from years of living apart but together? Is an alcoholic spouse always going to use that as an excuse to be selfish? (Feels that way to me but maybe I'm just letting him get away with it). Any other advice besides counseling?

[Anonymous]

I gave to say, YOU sound a bit selfish. He's sober now. This is the time to rebuild, not focus on past issues.

[Anonymous]

Alcoholism is a powerful disease that affects not only the drinker but also his/her entire family.
Please contact Al-Anon.
It is a fellowship designed to support family members who are affected by an alcoholic.
Google for Al-Anon washington dc and call them. Please!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I gave to say, YOU sound a bit selfish. He's sober now. This is the time to rebuild, not focus on past issues.

BS. She spent 10 years dealing with his mess. Of course she is angry. Alcoholics cause pain and suffering and anger. They suck up all the energy and now she feels spent and resentful. OP this is normal. You should seek therapy so you can help yourself so you can be a good mom to your kids and deal with the resentment your DH has caused.

[Anonymous]

I used to love travel before I ever drank significantly. Travel and good food are things you should be able to enjoy again even without the booze.

[Anonymous]

Living with an alcoholic sucks!

[Anonymous]

Al-Anon. It will help you so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Al-Anon. It will help you so much.

This.

And set a no-electronics/screen time for the whole family. Start small--15 minutes, build to an hour, then entire evenings. Screens can be addictive too.

[Anonymous]

Actually, I do think there's a tendency in AA to put sobriety first and everything else second. I also think it's just kind of natural that he's expending his emotional energy going to meetings, with his sponsor, etc, and doesn't have that much left over for the family. You're not imagining that. HOWEVER - he's doing this work to get sober, which is something he has to do for the family. I'd be patient and forgiving. And start trying to work directly on your relationship. Al Anon sounds good too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Actually, I do think there's a tendency in AA to put sobriety first and everything else second. I also think it's just kind of natural that he's expending his emotional energy going to meetings, with his sponsor, etc, and doesn't have that much left over for the family. You're not imagining that. HOWEVER - he's doing this work to get sober, which is something he has to do for the family. I'd be patient and forgiving. And start trying to work directly on your relationship. Al Anon sounds good too.

Right. Because it is always about the alcoholic. Only their needs matter. I think alcoholics should spend most of their recovery making up for all the pain they cause everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Isn't one of the steps in the program making amends? Has your partner reached this step at all -- even with other people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We've been married 10+ years, 2 kids (5 and 3). Our early years were filled with travel, great restaurants, lots of wine, etc. kids wore us down, and then the addiction became apparent. After several false starts, DH just marked 1 year of sobriety. Our marriage is a wreck. We dont fight or anything, and are good parents together, we just never spend any quality time together (evenings on respective electronic devices, no date nights, no sex for years).... Its pretty lonely. I think I am just really angry at him... I actually do understand addiction but the sneaking around, lying to my face ("are you drinking agin?") took its toll - it feels like being cheated on. And also, I know I cant do anything about this part, but a lot of our fun and recreation was food and wine related, from hosting parties to world travel, and now that's gone and I'm disappointed and sad and not sure what we'll do when we can travel and spend time together without kids.

I havent really talked to him about being angry because i wanted him to have the space he needed to get sober, but I thought his rehab program would at some point have turned to healing family wounds, and that seems not to have happened.

I know we need to just make time for counseling (easier said than done), but I have questions for anyone who has been through this: is it not typical for rehab programs (not AA but a real program) to spend some time on relationships? Can you recover from years of living apart but together? Is an alcoholic spouse always going to use that as an excuse to be selfish? (Feels that way to me but maybe I'm just letting him get away with it). Any other advice besides counseling?

The red flags were all over the place before you married him. You screwed up.

Our early years were filled with travel, great restaurants, lots of wine,

Get over yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Isn't one of the steps in the program making amends? Has your partner reached this step at all -- even with other people?

NP here. Yes, it is. My father also apparently never addressed this step. I also agree that sobriety and AA is of course, wonderful -- but there is a self-centeredness to it that I think can be very frustrating to other parties involved.

Al-anon is a must, OP. But you should also probably seek out some couples' therapy with an expert in recovering addicts and their families.

[Anonymous]

If you can't imagine traveling without drinking wine then it's time to change your perspective. I'm
Not a drinker and enjoy traveling immensely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you can't imagine traveling without drinking wine then it's time to change your perspective. I'm
Not a drinker and enjoy traveling immensely.

Traveling, great restaurants and lots of wine is just code for SPEND SPEND SPEND!!!