Family estrangements

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes and like PP mentioned it goes in cycles. My father during teen years. Mother during college. My sister multiple times through the years. Just a lot lf sadness and hurt and dysfunction.

Maybe it's you?

[Anonymous]

My brother and I are basically estranged, with just a few communications in facebook comments. He lives halfway across the world, and when we went to visit last year (at a cost of $5k in flights), he ODed on painkillers putting my family in great danger and then treated me horribly the next day. We cut our visit short, and I haven't spoken to him since.

[Anonymous]

My mother and her sisters haven't spoken for 30 years. Sisters were bitter that mom immigrated and "left them behind." Imagine being stunned to discover that whole side of the family when their children found me on FB.

[Anonymous]

I'm estranged from both of my parents (moderately to severely abusive) and I never regret it. My only regret was not cutting them off much earlier in my life.

[Anonymous]

Yes, from one of my ILs who was inappropriate (hitting on a family member - think of an uncle hitting on their adult nephew). So much fail. No desire to see that one, ever again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Father--called me up a few days after a family gathering and out of a so-called sense of concern for my 2 year old went on a tirade about everything that I was doing wrong in my life including raising my kid wrong, continuing to work, owning pets that live inside the house and other random complaints. He went on for 30 minutes and I was aghast as I had never seen or heard this level of judgment from him--there was no holding back once he got going. I was bowled over--I'm not a kid--I'm a 40 something Ph. D in a successful marriage with a good life and a nice house. This was four years ago and when I saw him a few months ago at another family gathering he made it clear that he had no intention of apologizing. Since I won't just brush that conversation under the rug (the preferred way of dealing with conflict in my family) there's nothing to say. I won't be bullied. If he apologized tomorrow all would be forgiven.

I am in the same situation. My drug addict father called me after he blew us all off at a family gathering so he could get high and then take a nap. He then calls me telling me that I have an anger management problem and desperately need help (what?). I was 8 months pregnant at the time too. I was so upset (crying not angry) about the whole thing that days later I couldn't help but break down in front of my OB. She assured me that I did not have an anger management problem, and maybe I should not speak to my father for the time being as I was super pregnant. I haven't spoken to him since and he's never met my daughter. He emailed once to say he's still waiting for an apology (I responded, I don't need help for a nonexisitent anger management problem, but you need help for your drug problem).

Honestly, he's a drug addict, won't change, my mom's an enabler, and I don't want my kids around him. Sad, but we don't get to pick our parents. He made sure neither one of my siblings will talk to me (behind his back for years we talked about having an intervention, now he is their problem). Every single person (friend and family) no longer talks to my drug addict dad and enabling mother and siblings. So basically, aside from short, occasional phone calls to my mom, I am estranged from my immediate family and they are estranged from everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm estranged from both of my parents (moderately to severely abusive) and I never regret it. My only regret was not cutting them off much earlier in my life.

Same here. All those wasted years trying to figure it all out, never realizing that it was a lifestyle on their part rather than an issue to be figured out and resolved.

[Anonymous]

We are estranged from DH's brother. I am fairly certain he has anti-social personality disorder (a psychologist friend offered that tentative diagnosis based on my descriptions of his behavior. - I was not seeking a diagnosis, it was spontaneously offered as I tried to give a fair recounting of circumstances). There was a huge blow up at a family beach vacation 5 years ago and be has not been back since. He lives half way across the country. He was around the east coast 18 months ago and tried through FIL to get us to allow him over and DH said no. I was paranoid for some time after that that he would just show up at our house and I actually kept driving once when I saw someone that from a distance looked like him near our home.

I put years into trying to advocate that DH give him a chance when he was younger. I finally figured out it was not something he was going to grow out of. I was a large piece of the blow up because I reached the end of my rope. I am incredibly sad for his parents, they still are hopeful that there will be a reconciliation someday. I think the odds are better that I will win powerball.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are estranged from DH's brother. I am fairly certain he has anti-social personality disorder (a psychologist friend offered that tentative diagnosis based on my descriptions of his behavior. - I was not seeking a diagnosis, it was spontaneously offered as I tried to give a fair recounting of circumstances). There was a huge blow up at a family beach vacation 5 years ago and be has not been back since. He lives half way across the country. He was around the east coast 18 months ago and tried through FIL to get us to allow him over and DH said no. I was paranoid for some time after that that he would just show up at our house and I actually kept driving once when I saw someone that from a distance looked like him near our home.

I put years into trying to advocate that DH give him a chance when he was younger. I finally figured out it was not something he was going to grow out of. I was a large piece of the blow up because I reached the end of my rope. I am incredibly sad for his parents, they still are hopeful that there will be a reconciliation someday. I think the odds are better that I will win powerball.

Obviously a diagnosis based on one person's view of another is worthless. Why would you not allow him in your home if he was reaching out to you and your DH? Maybe your DH is the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Father--called me up a few days after a family gathering and out of a so-called sense of concern for my 2 year old went on a tirade about everything that I was doing wrong in my life including raising my kid wrong, continuing to work, owning pets that live inside the house and other random complaints. He went on for 30 minutes and I was aghast as I had never seen or heard this level of judgment from him--there was no holding back once he got going. I was bowled over--I'm not a kid--I'm a 40 something Ph. D in a successful marriage with a good life and a nice house. This was four years ago and when I saw him a few months ago at another family gathering he made it clear that he had no intention of apologizing. Since I won't just brush that conversation under the rug (the preferred way of dealing with conflict in my family) there's nothing to say. I won't be bullied. If he apologized tomorrow all would be forgiven.

I am in the same situation. My drug addict father called me after he blew us all off at a family gathering so he could get high and then take a nap. He then calls me telling me that I have an anger management problem and desperately need help (what?). I was 8 months pregnant at the time too. I was so upset (crying not angry) about the whole thing that days later I couldn't help but break down in front of my OB. She assured me that I did not have an anger management problem, and maybe I should not speak to my father for the time being as I was super pregnant. I haven't spoken to him since and he's never met my daughter. He emailed once to say he's still waiting for an apology (I responded, I don't need help for a nonexisitent anger management problem, but you need help for your drug problem).

Honestly, he's a drug addict, won't change, my mom's an enabler, and I don't want my kids around him. Sad, but we don't get to pick our parents. He made sure neither one of my siblings will talk to me (behind his back for years we talked about having an intervention, now he is their problem). Every single person (friend and family) no longer talks to my drug addict dad and enabling mother and siblings. So basically, aside from short, occasional phone calls to my mom, I am estranged from my immediate family and they are estranged from everyone else.

This is pretty much exactly what happened with my mother, who also had a drug problem. She couldn't get it under control and I became estranged from her. She ensured that the rest of the family was estranged from me and wouldn't talk to me. Good times.

She died 4 years ago. I am still estranged from the family. It was still the right decision to make. I won't have that junkie BS around my kids.

[Anonymous]

My mother also cut me off from everyone else when I became estranged from her. Further proof of what an awful person she is and what a good decision it was.

[Anonymous]

I've been estranged from my mom on/off since I've been dating my now husband. My husband is a great guy but my mom hates him for trivial reasons and can't keep her thoughts to herself. So for a while I'd cut her off for months when she would say something offensive about him. It was the only way i could keep sane...remove the toxic elements from my life. For a while it didnt even look like she'd be coming to our wedding. She did finally come but she still makes a big deal of how she went out of her way to come (really?). Lately she's learned just not to talk about it and we get along much better, though she still has her moments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are estranged from DH's brother. I am fairly certain he has anti-social personality disorder (a psychologist friend offered that tentative diagnosis based on my descriptions of his behavior. - I was not seeking a diagnosis, it was spontaneously offered as I tried to give a fair recounting of circumstances). There was a huge blow up at a family beach vacation 5 years ago and be has not been back since. He lives half way across the country. He was around the east coast 18 months ago and tried through FIL to get us to allow him over and DH said no. I was paranoid for some time after that that he would just show up at our house and I actually kept driving once when I saw someone that from a distance looked like him near our home.

I put years into trying to advocate that DH give him a chance when he was younger. I finally figured out it was not something he was going to grow out of. I was a large piece of the blow up because I reached the end of my rope. I am incredibly sad for his parents, they still are hopeful that there will be a reconciliation someday. I think the odds are better that I will win powerball.

Obviously a diagnosis based on one person's view of another is worthless. Why would you not allow him in your home if he was reaching out to you and your DH? Maybe your DH is the problem.

I don't tell people IRL that he has this disorder, but his behavior fits the characteristics well. No, it is not DH, BIL is toxic and I think potentially dangerous. I don't want him in my home, I would not leave him alone with my kids. He hates me and does not hide it. Believe it or not I am am a kind person that gives everyone the benefit of the doubt. He wore his way through that over years. We are done.

[Anonymous]

Curious to the many posters. Do any of you get grief from other friends/family about the cut off? If so, how to handle? A lot of my friends and family, who don't know specifics and won't since I don't gossip, feel they can weigh in on my mom. Things like "this is so sad for her" "We are so worried about her"--this sort of thing. She is fine. I have now distanced myself from my very hometown. Frustrating.

[Anonymous]

My brother, since 2007. He threatened to sue me and verbally abused me. I do not expect, or want, to speak with him ever again.