Family estrangements

[Anonymous]

Are you estranged from anyone in your family?

I am. My sister and I have not spoken in over a year.

My dad and his brother did not speak for 10 years.
Then they made up.

[Anonymous]

My parents, since April. I just can't stand interacting with them anymore, for different reasons.

[Anonymous]

I've had it happen in my immediate family. Ugly, hurtful. I don't find it to be a healthy way to deal with family at all. But I guess some have no other choice.

[Anonymous]

My sister and I are, sadly. We are 9 years apart and it's been rocky going since her divorce 5 years ago, but has culminated in her recent marriage to an awful, controlling guy... none of us (parents included) were invited to her wedding. I'm due any day now with my second child and it breaks my heart to think that she doesn't even KNOW when I'm due.. let alone that it's another girl.

[Anonymous]

I'm not and can't imagine it. But my MIL has been going through a pattern of estrangement/reconciliation with her own mom for the past 20 years. As a result, DH has completely cut off his grandmother (though his mom reconciles with her every two or three years until something blows up the relationship again.

Honestly, from what I've seen, it would probably be healthier for MIL to cut off her mom completely than continue this cycle of trying to win her 95 year old mother's approval.

Also, I assume because of the toxic relationship with her own mother, MIL is paranoid that we will "take" DD from her. I.e., if we tell her a weekend is not good for her to visit she accuses us of stealing her granddaughter from her. It's incredibly frustrating as we are doing no such thing - we just had other plans.

I guess I'm really lucky to have the family I do. We've had our own challenges (step parents, early deaths, etc) but no one has ever done something so outrageous or destructive that I've felt the need to cut them off. I try to remember how lucky I am when MIL annoys me. It helps keep things in perspective.

[Anonymous]

My father and I haven't talked for over 5 years.

My parents divorced when I was 1. I didn't see him until I was 22 although we sent letters during the years. I moved in with him and his family when I was 22 and we were good for 2 years then things started to fall apart when I were dating. He treated me like a new teenager with curfew and stuffs so I got fed up and left. Beside, we had financial issue due to his gambling problem. I decided to not talk to him until he is clear with his problem but I still know things happening with him through my aunt (his sister). This feels awful. I didn't want it but it is better for me or I would be in poor financial.

[Anonymous]

Haven't spoken to my sister in 2 years because she thinks it's ok to lie and manipulate me. After this came out, I realized our relationship was always twisted and I've lost any hope of the her changing.

[Anonymous]

DH persuaded me not to cut off contact with my manipulative, guilt-tripping and abusive mother.
Thankfully, she lives on another continent so we don't have to see her very often.
But, it was close.

[Anonymous]

Father--called me up a few days after a family gathering and out of a so-called sense of concern for my 2 year old went on a tirade about everything that I was doing wrong in my life including raising my kid wrong, continuing to work, owning pets that live inside the house and other random complaints. He went on for 30 minutes and I was aghast as I had never seen or heard this level of judgment from him--there was no holding back once he got going. I was bowled over--I'm not a kid--I'm a 40 something Ph. D in a successful marriage with a good life and a nice house. This was four years ago and when I saw him a few months ago at another family gathering he made it clear that he had no intention of apologizing. Since I won't just brush that conversation under the rug (the preferred way of dealing with conflict in my family) there's nothing to say. I won't be bullied. If he apologized tomorrow all would be forgiven.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Haven't spoken to my sister in 2 years because she thinks it's ok to lie and manipulate me. After this came out, I realized our relationship was always twisted and I've lost any hope of the her changing.

Same with my brother. I do not understand, nor do I have any sympathy for people who lie and manipulate. It took time, but I feel enormous relief letting him go from my life.

[Anonymous]

My husband has been estranged from his father since his teen years. It was something that took me a bit of time to wrap my mind around, but I see its definitely for the best. Oddly, it wasn't hard to wrap my mind around because I had the perfect family. I had a very imperfect family (the black sheep divorced family in the big extended family) but a loving one with imperfect parents. So I came from a place of "love what you have, not what you want". But sometimes the lack of relationship is better for a healthy life.

[Anonymous]

Cut my sister off years ago, tried to make up for the cousins' sake (our kids), but she's still a crazy, immature bitch. I don't feel obligated to be "friends" with her-- I would never choose her as a friend were we not related, so that's that.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is constantly feuding with folks on a somewhat cyclical basis and about 6 years ago she cut us off for almost two years. It was bliss for me but miserable for my husband.

So we got back in her good graces - well, we didn't do anything. She has these fits of anger and outbursts and then tries to pretend it never happened and she never ever apologizes or wants to talk about what happened. I can't remember how we got back together - I think we all just met at a park and pretended like we had just seen each other the past week and nothing was wrong, oh except we had an 18 month old with us. It was bizarre.

She's cycling again - had a big blow up with her sister a couple of years ago but they're in text communication, and she's gearing up for a blowup with my husband's brother's inlaws. (yes, as ridiculous as that sounds).

We try to anticipate her cycles and do just enough to stay on the positive side. It's not as onerous as it once was, but it can still be exhausting. I think because we let it go on for two years and she didn't get to meet her only grandson for 18 months she's wary of pressing us too hard. (seriously- my husband called his parents the day I went into labor and his father told him not to call again because it was too upsetting for them!).

[Anonymous]

Yes and like PP mentioned it goes in cycles. My father during teen years. Mother during college. My sister multiple times through the years. Just a lot lf sadness and hurt and dysfunction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Haven't spoken to my sister in 2 years because she thinks it's ok to lie and manipulate me. After this came out, I realized our relationship was always twisted and I've lost any hope of the her changing.

Same with my brother. I do not understand, nor do I have any sympathy for people who lie and manipulate. It took time, but I feel enormous relief letting him go from my life.

PP here. I'm glad you feel relief. I do too, mostly, but sometimes I feel like it's my fault that I don't make up with her (but only because I know my other family members think this and have expressed it. I know it's not my fault what she did to me). Are you now more distanced from other family because of this?