Wife Cannot Control Her Mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Granted this may sound ungrateful but my DW has never been able to control her mom. By that I mean when her Mom comes to her house she has an incessant need to clean. I have, for longer than I care to admit at this point, expressed gratitude to my wife while letting her know that my MIL washing my underwear and cleaning our sheets is a violation of my privacy. I offered DW cleaning people but she didn't want others in our home. When the argument comes to ahead, my wife will admit that she fights with her mom about it but that she cannot control her mom. Then her mom, an immigrant, will feign that she didn't know.

There's long frustration on my part about this; its not the cleaning but rather the macro issues such as not being able to pursue job opportunities in other parts of the country because DW doesn't want to leave her MIL and from the outside in you can see its from her MIL controlling her. Tells her she can come with us but MIL doesn't want leave area so now one can - its insane. But it is because MIL doesn't want to live with us because then she loses control and independence. Offered to get her nicer housing so she can be more independent says no, then have to worry about her living locale and expenses. Discussed this pre-marriage with stated goal of leaving the area for cheaper place to live but after marriage well let's just say there was some bait and switch.

Today was another example. MIL on extended stay, asked about cleaning, item needed to be cleaned but asked not to do so. She elects to do and damages item that will now need repair. I'm older now and don't have the fight in me. Ask wife and she's like I told her she won't listen to me.

Perhaps just a vent - but the downside of being older and not having the fight in me is that I am also getting to the point - empty nest is on the horizon that I just don't care anymore and I am not going to subject myself to your inability to control MIL. Should have left years ago. Tired of fighting - when I ask her not to do things she tells me that I don't appreciate things and when I mention broken items - not the first time - I get told not to blame others for my problems.

She is very controlling; I found her children (wife and BIL) to lack fortitude. I don't think they ever developed their own inner strength.

So hoping smarter people then me have ideas. Asking/telling doesn't work.

Thanks for letting me vent.

First of all, your wife CAN'T control her mother. What you can control is your access to things like your undies. How gross. You have let this grow into a problem instead of nipping it in the bud, so you are equally at fault.

How to fix it: You need to sit your wife down and say you need boundaries otherwise you are going to divorce her. I don't think it's asking too much for your MIL to leave your undies alone. Would DW want your father to wash her undies? I wouldn't think so.

This has been a problem for almost 2 decades. Why have you stayed silent for so long? Talking about it and coming to a DECISION was what you should have done instead of just "whining" about it. Neither of you have a backbone. Maybe you wanted to "keep the peace" but keeping the peace is about little things, not a BIG invasion of privacy.

OP here. At one point was ready to leave marriage but then we had kids. Hard to rationalize divorcing wife over MIL privacy issue. And when she was over there were good things - kids got to know their grandmother (I never had the opportunity to know any of my grandparents), one was taught to knit. And I know people on the thread don't like the word control, but would discuss with DW please ask Mom not to....and she would discuss it and then MIL would just keep doing it. So I think she knew she could dominate perhaps is a better word her DW. Kids are older - there are other issues in marriage and at this point I am like as bad as things are now, now I have to put up with this sh$t too. And I don't have the fight anymore - its like you are never to going to change it and I'd don't want to live this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You used the word control or a variation of it, 7 times in your post. You're an ass. What human can control another? If YOU don't want MIL pre-treating your skivvies, then YOU tell her. It clearly doesn't bother your wife to have MIL take over either, because you keep letting her into your home. You mention you're close to being empty-nesters, so having her over to play with grandkids clearly isn't the reason behind that.
You both need to grow a pair, tell MIL how things will be in YOUR house or else STFU.
Oh, and quit using the word "control" when talking about other human beings.

I totally disagree with this. It's DW's mother and DW should manage her. "Control" is a strong word, but if this makes dh so unhappy, why would Dw not simply tell her mother to stop cleaning?

PP here. OP says she has, although she must not have gotten her point across because MIL continues. If OP feels that strongly, he should man up and have a chat with MIL

OP here. It is not my place to speak with my MIL. It is my DW place to speak with her mom. Perhaps control is the wrong word. Here is the challenge - DW tells her Mom please don't touch our stuff" Mother In Law ignores her. Just flat out ignores her. So, I don't know the proper term but how to handle a relative in your home when you ask them not to do something and they keep doing it. My DW is not going to not let her mom come over to visit, she will acquiesce. I think my wife would rather tell me to get over it then be strict with her Mom.

And how's that working for you? DW HAS spoken to her Mom. Clearly it doesn't bother her as much as it does you. Is this really a marriage-ending situation? If so, then the writing is clearly on the wall. If you're not going to set her straight, then get an attorney on retainer

[Anonymous]

NP here. Please excuse the over sensitive crazes here. Many have completely over looked what you are asking because a word you have been drowning in offends them.

My mother is a control freak as well. I have been up against it my entire life. Your wife has to learn what healthy boundaries are. She can read, research and go for concealing. This is a long and tedious process.

You do need to say something about her respecting your wishes in your home. Your wife needs to on board with this. You may need to show her that your mad about this and that it is now unacceptable. Good Luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Granted this may sound ungrateful but my DW has never been able to control her mom. By that I mean when her Mom comes to her house she has an incessant need to clean. I have, for longer than I care to admit at this point, expressed gratitude to my wife while letting her know that my MIL washing my underwear and cleaning our sheets is a violation of my privacy. I offered DW cleaning people but she didn't want others in our home. When the argument comes to ahead, my wife will admit that she fights with her mom about it but that she cannot control her mom. Then her mom, an immigrant, will feign that she didn't know.

There's long frustration on my part about this; its not the cleaning but rather the macro issues such as not being able to pursue job opportunities in other parts of the country because DW doesn't want to leave her MIL and from the outside in you can see its from her MIL controlling her. Tells her she can come with us but MIL doesn't want leave area so now one can - its insane. But it is because MIL doesn't want to live with us because then she loses control and independence. Offered to get her nicer housing so she can be more independent says no, then have to worry about her living locale and expenses. Discussed this pre-marriage with stated goal of leaving the area for cheaper place to live but after marriage well let's just say there was some bait and switch.

Today was another example. MIL on extended stay, asked about cleaning, item needed to be cleaned but asked not to do so. She elects to do and damages item that will now need repair. I'm older now and don't have the fight in me. Ask wife and she's like I told her she won't listen to me.

Perhaps just a vent - but the downside of being older and not having the fight in me is that I am also getting to the point - empty nest is on the horizon that I just don't care anymore and I am not going to subject myself to your inability to control MIL. Should have left years ago. Tired of fighting - when I ask her not to do things she tells me that I don't appreciate things and when I mention broken items - not the first time - I get told not to blame others for my problems.

She is very controlling; I found her children (wife and BIL) to lack fortitude. I don't think they ever developed their own inner strength.

So hoping smarter people then me have ideas. Asking/telling doesn't work.

Thanks for letting me vent.

First of all, your wife CAN'T control her mother. What you can control is your access to things like your undies. How gross. You have let this grow into a problem instead of nipping it in the bud, so you are equally at fault.

How to fix it: You need to sit your wife down and say you need boundaries otherwise you are going to divorce her. I don't think it's asking too much for your MIL to leave your undies alone. Would DW want your father to wash her undies? I wouldn't think so.

This has been a problem for almost 2 decades. Why have you stayed silent for so long? Talking about it and coming to a DECISION was what you should have done instead of just "whining" about it. Neither of you have a backbone. Maybe you wanted to "keep the peace" but keeping the peace is about little things, not a BIG invasion of privacy.

OP here. At one point was ready to leave marriage but then we had kids. Hard to rationalize divorcing wife over MIL privacy issue. And when she was over there were good things - kids got to know their grandmother (I never had the opportunity to know any of my grandparents), one was taught to knit. And I know people on the thread don't like the word control, but would discuss with DW please ask Mom not to....and she would discuss it and then MIL would just keep doing it. So I think she knew she could dominate perhaps is a better word her DW. Kids are older - there are other issues in marriage and at this point I am like as bad as things are now, now I have to put up with this sh$t too. And I don't have the fight anymore - its like you are never to going to change it and I'd don't want to live this way.

You answered your own question. You don't want to live this way. It's doubtful anything is going to change at this point. Get a lawyer. Get a divorce.

[Anonymous]

It is your place to say something if it affects you. If you choose not to, you choose to be the doormat so suck it up and stop whining.

Clearly you can't control your wife (since that's the word you are choosing) You tell her and she doesn't listen. How are you going to make her listen? When you figure it out, tell your wife. Then maybe she can "control" her mother using your techniques.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. Please excuse the over sensitive crazes here. Many have completely over looked what you are asking because a word you have been drowning in offends them.

My mother is a control freak as well. I have been up against it my entire life. Your wife has to learn what healthy boundaries are. She can read, research and go for concealing. This is a long and tedious process.

You do need to say something about her respecting your wishes in your home. Your wife needs to on board with this. You may need to show her that your mad about this and that it is now unacceptable. Good Luck.

OP here - thanks for taking the time to calmly write.

When you are first married and young (and we were) you don't know what to expect. Our first year was not good and I remember thinking what honeymoom ? The other thing was when we were dating MIL had nothing to do with us, so I didn't see it coming. Once we got married she became involved, would come over do the wash, clean. It was off putting. I know that sounds ungrateful but who really wants their MIL washing their soiled cheats ? But I was naive; I didn't have a sense for how things were supposed to work. All I knew was that I was embarrassed. At the time I think my wife found it easier to "manage" me then her Mom. So instead of having it out with her Mom she would tell me to deal with it. MIL was also widowed early so I think DW felt an obligation. which again, starting out, you say that is the way it should be. It hit ahead right before we had kids - I was getting ready to divorce - selfishly I didn't want to live in my early to mid thirties with my DW and my MIL with MIL doing the housework. That's not a marriage. Perhaps should have had the wisdom not to get pregnant, but again, quilt about leaving DW at that point as I realized that very likely would have resulted in her never having kids (presumptuous I know) so we were blessed with beautiful children. After hitting a rough patch over other issues of late I do not have the tolerance or pliability I once had. I also think it may be an age thing - I'm just not putting up with it anymore. But in reality it is just a symptom of other issues.

Thanks again for taking the time to write. I noticed I hit some type of nerve with the "control" word. And I know it isn't easy on wife. I guess my frustration has always been why are you so willing to tell me to pound sand vs. standing up to your Mom.

[Anonymous]

OP, either get couples therapy or file for divorce.

I can tell you from experience, though, as the DH married to a DW who has family like this, a therapist is going to tell you you cannot control another person. You either have to man up and talk to your MIL yourself, change some habits (lock your bedroom, change your house keys, limit the time MIL is over), own that this is your lifestyle and maybe it's not so bad, or divorce your wife.

Honestly, as a guy that did a little of everything (except divorce), I think you sound like a real whiner. You can't talk to a little old lady directly? You have to ask your wife to do it? When my MIL had similar boundary issues, I told her on no uncertain terms that it was not acceptable to me and that she was damaging relationship with DW (and yes, MIL is foreign so I had to say this in her language). Guess what? MIL wanted our family to stay together more than she wanted to wash my underwear.

Being direct works. Taking control instead of passive-aggressively divorcing your DW over a fixable situation works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. Please excuse the over sensitive crazes here. Many have completely over looked what you are asking because a word you have been drowning in offends them.

My mother is a control freak as well. I have been up against it my entire life. Your wife has to learn what healthy boundaries are. She can read, research and go for concealing. This is a long and tedious process.

You do need to say something about her respecting your wishes in your home. Your wife needs to on board with this. You may need to show her that your mad about this and that it is now unacceptable. Good Luck.

OP here - thanks for taking the time to calmly write.

When you are first married and young (and we were) you don't know what to expect. Our first year was not good and I remember thinking what honeymoom ? The other thing was when we were dating MIL had nothing to do with us, so I didn't see it coming. Once we got married she became involved, would come over do the wash, clean. It was off putting. I know that sounds ungrateful but who really wants their MIL washing their soiled cheats ? But I was naive; I didn't have a sense for how things were supposed to work. All I knew was that I was embarrassed. At the time I think my wife found it easier to "manage" me then her Mom. So instead of having it out with her Mom she would tell me to deal with it. MIL was also widowed early so I think DW felt an obligation. which again, starting out, you say that is the way it should be. It hit ahead right before we had kids - I was getting ready to divorce - selfishly I didn't want to live in my early to mid thirties with my DW and my MIL with MIL doing the housework. That's not a marriage. Perhaps should have had the wisdom not to get pregnant, but again, quilt about leaving DW at that point as I realized that very likely would have resulted in her never having kids (presumptuous I know) so we were blessed with beautiful children. After hitting a rough patch over other issues of late I do not have the tolerance or pliability I once had. I also think it may be an age thing - I'm just not putting up with it anymore. But in reality it is just a symptom of other issues.

Thanks again for taking the time to write. I noticed I hit some type of nerve with the "control" word. And I know it isn't easy on wife. I guess my frustration has always been why are you so willing to tell me to pound sand vs. standing up to your Mom.

It's me again. You may need to tell your wife just that. That if she can not have healthy boundaries with her mother that you may need to try and separate.

My MIL did our laundry once. I don't mind her doing the kids or my husbands cloths, but mine I do because she has a BIG mouth and I really don't want her telling people anything about my clothes. Here is what I said and she has never touched my laundry again. "Mom thank you so much for doing our laundry. I realize that you are trying to help, but please do not do it again. It's awkward for me." That was it. You are allowed to start an argument with your MIL if she does it again. YOU can stand up for yourself even though you feel it is not your place, because at that point you have asked her yourself and she has gone against your wishes. I have a feeling that there are a few things more then just the laundry that she has overstepped her bounds in.

My mom is the control freak between my MIL and my mom. My mom would want to know all of our finances and want to know all of the details about how we are parenting our kids. My husband said that she should not be so involved. So he helped me come up with some ideas on what to say that wasn't too harsh to her yet set boundaries. One was making us a team that worked together. So when my mom asked about our finances I would say," DH and I are working together on our finances." Or "if she asked my a question that she was looking for an answer about I would say, "I'm not sure let me talk to DH and I can get back to you on that." I do know that it drives her crazy that I talk to DH about things and let him have his "balls."
My mother controls my father 100%.

Maybe you could help your wife come up with something that she would be comfortable saying. If not, you may want to walk away for a bit and see if she/you really want things to work. Good luck. I really feel for you and your wife. She may have Stockholm syndrome for her mom.

[Anonymous]

OP, if your MIL does not do the laundry, who does?

You? Tell her you want to do it yourself. Beat her to it.

Your wife? If so, you really don't have a foot to stand on. Your MIL is trying to reduce the household chore burden on her daughter.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you didn't have any idea of what a healthy marriage was like, but you could have sought therapy or read a few books to get an idea. You are a pushover, so they take advantage of you. I agree w other posters, you need to talk to MIL. Doing your own laundry isnt a bad idea. You do need to tell DW that you are considering divorce if changes dont happen. You need to discuss healthy boundaries.

DW here and I am apalled that your DW lets her mom wash your undies. Icky.

[Anonymous]

lemme guess. You're married to an Asian woman significantly younger than you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:lemme guess. You're married to an Asian woman significantly younger than you?

Let me guess you're fat OP an very people are signing you up for jenny craig

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if your MIL does not do the laundry, who does?

You? Tell her you want to do it yourself. Beat her to it.

Your wife? If so, you really don't have a foot to stand on. Your MIL is trying to reduce the household chore burden on her daughter.

Ha. I don't complain about anyone doing my laundry. Beats me having to do it.

Your wife can't control her mother, because no adult can control another adult. You asked your wife to talk to her mother. She did what you asked. Her mother ignored her. You are unwilling to talk to your MIL yourself. What, precisely, do you want your wife to do? I get that each spouse should be the primary point of contact for their own parents, but in your situation it's not working. You need to talk to your MIL instead of just getting angry at your wife.

[Anonymous]

If I were in your shoes, I'd tell her house rules "please don't touch our laundry". If she does it again, I'd postpone her next visit. So if she comes once a month, I'd push it to two months. If wife won't agree and has her come in a month anyway, I'd go to a hotel when she's there. . Without anger, no fussing, just leave. Mil's not respecting boundaries, I'd put up stronger ones.

[Anonymous]

If roles were reversed and his mom was crossing boundaries with the wife, how would we respond?

Spouse should deal directly with their parent. If that fails,
Other spouse options are to accept what they cannot change or stand up for themselves.

Perhaps you should go on vacation when your MIL comes to town. Encourage your wife to visit her more, and MIL to come stay less.