Wife Cannot Control Her Mom

[Anonymous]

I would recommend you and DW go to marriage counseling. I think it may help.

[Anonymous]

OP - You have made every excuse for staying in the marriage, but have you ever had put on "Your Big Boy Pants" to say that you both needed couples' or marriage counseling and that the appointment was made and you honestly hoped she would be willing to go to? We are hearing one side of one specific issue, but as you indicate there are other things going on, too.

It is time for MIL to be out of your house in terms of all things unless invited over for a family event as there is now no excuse for her presence as children are older. If your wife does not really want to do the house work or laundry, then you two can sit down and make a list of how to divide the chores - including the children now OR you can hire a cleaning service to do the major jobs once or twice a month. And it is "You" who need to tell your MIL the change and why that you and DW need to work on your marriage and her continuing "over presence" is one issue - though honesty not the only issue.

From what you have said, DW is from a different ethnic or cultural background so if there are things in her background which bother you, including submissiveness to MIL or putting her first as "family" rather than you and the children, this needs to be shared in therapy. It is important that you, too, own up to your share in the marriage that is not as you want it to be - maybe a bit too passive/aggressive or complaining, but never acting on it. Counseling seems to be the one positive way to move forward whether you stayed married or divorce.

[Anonymous]

This is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Who gives a shit if his MIL washes his sheets? grow up, OP. You are a grown man, this should not be a big deal. They are just sheets and underwear. Trust me, your MIL does not get weak-kneed because she folded your boxers.

If my DH raised this as an issue I would seriously consider divorcing him for being such an ass as to want to add to my workload over such OCD nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Who gives a shit if his MIL washes his sheets? grow up, OP. You are a grown man, this should not be a big deal. They are just sheets and underwear. Trust me, your MIL does not get weak-kneed because she folded your boxers.

If my DH raised this as an issue I would seriously consider divorcing him for being such an ass as to want to add to my workload over such OCD nonsense.

LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Who gives a shit if his MIL washes his sheets? grow up, OP. You are a grown man, this should not be a big deal. They are just sheets and underwear. Trust me, your MIL does not get weak-kneed because she folded your boxers.

If my DH raised this as an issue I would seriously consider divorcing him for being such an ass as to want to add to my workload over such OCD nonsense.

To true! You do realize that wealthy people have housecleaners who *gasp* clean their skivvies and somehow, somehow they get over the shame!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP - You have made every excuse for staying in the marriage, but have you ever had put on "Your Big Boy Pants" to say that you both needed couples' or marriage counseling and that the appointment was made and you honestly hoped she would be willing to go to? We are hearing one side of one specific issue, but as you indicate there are other things going on, too.

It is time for MIL to be out of your house in terms of all things unless invited over for a family event as there is now no excuse for her presence as children are older. If your wife does not really want to do the house work or laundry, then you two can sit down and make a list of how to divide the chores - including the children now OR you can hire a cleaning service to do the major jobs once or twice a month. And it is "You" who need to tell your MIL the change and why that you and DW need to work on your marriage and her continuing "over presence" is one issue - though honesty not the only issue.

From what you have said, DW is from a different ethnic or cultural background so if there are things in her background which bother you, including submissiveness to MIL or putting her first as "family" rather than you and the children, this needs to be shared in therapy. It is important that you, too, own up to your share in the marriage that is not as you want it to be - maybe a bit too passive/aggressive or complaining, but never acting on it. Counseling seems to be the one positive way to move forward whether you stayed married or divorce.

Voice of reason, right here.

[Anonymous]

OP, I know where you're coming from. The fact is, your DW would rather have you upset with her than her mom. She cannot stand up to her. Therefore, you have to. Just calmly and politely tell her not to do whatever. Don't give a reason, and don't argue. Just walk away. As far as your DW not wanting to leave her mom, I would advise you to put your foot down. The more distance you can put between your marriage and your MIL, the better it will be for your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Who gives a shit if his MIL washes his sheets? grow up, OP. You are a grown man, this should not be a big deal. They are just sheets and underwear. Trust me, your MIL does not get weak-kneed because she folded your boxers.

If my DH raised this as an issue I would seriously consider divorcing him for being such an ass as to want to add to my workload over such OCD nonsense.

To true! You do realize that wealthy people have housecleaners who *gasp* clean their skivvies and somehow, somehow they get over the shame!?

OP here. I do understand that and I am ok with that - they work for me and that is what they do. And they go home at nite. Offered housekeeper and was turned down. DW did not want other people going through her stuff. Yes, thats correct. Bit of a double standard - no ? So how about your FIL comes over and lends a hand and washes your undies ? Whatya think ? all good ?

[Anonymous]

Pp here who scolded you. FIL is welcome to come wash my sheets or undies. No problem. MIL does when she stays and I am grateful for her help. And I will wash his sheets when he goes home, won't I? The guest room sheets have to get clean somehow. Or do you just throw them out once they are contaminated?

You are being weird. I would not have time or patience for your fastidiousness. Get over it already.

[Anonymous]

i get while OP feels his personal space and privacy are being invaded; I just don't think focusing on his wife as the scapegoat is the right reaction. OP, talk to your MIL yourself and stop making your wife your mouthpiece. You're a grown man; tell MIL politely but firmly that while you know she does a lot around the house, you'd like her to stop and are uncomfortable with her doing things like washing your underwear. Quit pinning it all on your wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i get while OP feels his personal space and privacy are being invaded; I just don't think focusing on his wife as the scapegoat is the right reaction. OP, talk to your MIL yourself and stop making your wife your mouthpiece. You're a grown man; tell MIL politely but firmly that while you know she does a lot around the house, you'd like her to stop and are uncomfortable with her doing things like washing your underwear. Quit pinning it all on your wife.

Agree! OP, you need to talk to MIL if DW won't do it herself. You said you can't/won't talk to MIL - why is that? Would DW get mad at you? It sounds like she's choosing MIL over you, which is definitely a reason why many people get divorced.

Also, one thing you should show her is that you two are a team. Try to do things together. If there's something that you mainly take care of (like finances) then keep her in the loop about how you're doing. Of course, this runs the risk of MIL finding out. Make it clear to DW that you two should be a team. It sounds like MIL gives DW hell if she's told "no" about something; maybe DW is afraid of MIL?

And it wouldn't hurt to ask her how she'd feel if your dad came over and washed her underwear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You used the word control or a variation of it, 7 times in your post. You're an ass. What human can control another? If YOU don't want MIL pre-treating your skivvies, then YOU tell her. It clearly doesn't bother your wife to have MIL take over either, because you keep letting her into your home. You mention you're close to being empty-nesters, so having her over to play with grandkids clearly isn't the reason behind that.
You both need to grow a pair, tell MIL how things will be in YOUR house or else STFU.
Oh, and quit using the word "control" when talking about other human beings.

I totally disagree with this. It's DW's mother and DW should manage her. "Control" is a strong word, but if this makes dh so unhappy, why would Dw not simply tell her mother to stop cleaning?

PP here. OP says she has, although she must not have gotten her point across because MIL continues. If OP feels that strongly, he should man up and have a chat with MIL

OP here. It is not my place to speak with my MIL. It is my DW place to speak with her mom. Perhaps control is the wrong word. Here is the challenge - DW tells her Mom please don't touch our stuff" Mother In Law ignores her. Just flat out ignores her. So, I don't know the proper term but how to handle a relative in your home when you ask them not to do something and they keep doing it. My DW is not going to not let her mom come over to visit, she will acquiesce. I think my wife would rather tell me to get over it then be strict with her Mom.

She likely won't tell you to get over it if you tell her the level of your upset and if she does - that is also good information for you to have.
Put a lock on your bedroom door. Off-limits to MIL.