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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]NP here. Please excuse the over sensitive crazes here. Many have completely over looked what you are asking because a word you have been drowning in offends them.

My mother is a control freak as well. I have been up against it my entire life. Your wife has to learn what healthy boundaries are. She can read, research and go for concealing. This is a long and tedious process.

You do need to say something about her respecting your wishes in your home. Your wife needs to on board with this. You may need to show her that your mad about this and that it is now unacceptable. Good Luck.   [/quote]

OP here - thanks for taking the time to calmly write.

When you are first married and young (and we were) you don't know what to expect. Our first year was not good and I remember thinking what honeymoom ? The other thing was when we were dating MIL had nothing to do with us, so I didn't see it coming. Once we got married she became involved, would come over do the wash, clean. It was off putting. I know that sounds ungrateful but who really wants their MIL washing their soiled cheats ? But I was naive; I didn't have a sense for how things were supposed to work. All I knew was that I was embarrassed. At the time I think my wife found it easier to "manage" me then her Mom. So instead of having it out with her Mom she would tell me to deal with it. MIL was also widowed early so I think DW felt an obligation. which again, starting out, you say that is the way it should be. It hit ahead right before we had kids - I was getting ready to divorce - selfishly I didn't want to live in my early to mid thirties with my DW and my MIL with MIL doing the housework. That's not a marriage. Perhaps should have had the wisdom not to get pregnant, but again, quilt about leaving DW at that point as I realized that very likely would have resulted in her never having kids (presumptuous I know) so we were blessed with beautiful children. After hitting a rough patch over other issues of late I do not have the tolerance or pliability I once had. I also think it may be an age thing - I'm just not putting up with it anymore.  But in reality it is just a symptom of other issues.

Thanks again for taking the time to write. I noticed I hit some type of nerve with the "control" word. And I know it isn't easy on wife. I guess my frustration has always been why are you so willing to tell me to pound sand vs. standing up to your Mom.

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It's me again. You may need to tell your wife just that. That if she can not have healthy boundaries with her mother that you may need to try and separate.

My MIL did our laundry once. I don't mind her doing the kids or my husbands cloths, but mine I do because she has a BIG mouth and I really don't want her telling people anything about my clothes. Here is what I said and she has never touched my laundry again. "Mom thank you so much for doing our laundry. I realize that you are trying to help, but please do not do it again. It's awkward for me." That was it. You are allowed to start an argument with your MIL if she does it again. YOU can stand up for yourself even though you feel it is not your place, because at that point you have asked her yourself and she has gone against your wishes. I have a feeling that there are a few things more then just the laundry that she has overstepped her bounds in.

My mom is the control freak between my MIL and my mom. My mom would want to know all of our finances and want to know all of the details about how we are parenting our kids. My husband said that she should not be so involved. So he helped me come up with some ideas on what to say that wasn't too harsh to her yet set boundaries. One was making us a team that worked together. So when my mom asked about our finances I would say," DH and I are working together on our finances." Or "if she asked my a question that she was looking for an answer about I would say, "I'm not sure let me talk to DH and I can get back to you on that." I do know that it drives her crazy that I talk to DH about things and let him have his "balls."
My mother controls my father 100%.

Maybe you could help your wife come up with something that she would be comfortable saying. If not, you may want to walk away for a bit and see if she/you really want things to work. Good luck. I really feel for you and your wife. She may have Stockholm syndrome for her mom.
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