Wife Cannot Control Her Mom

[Anonymous]

Granted this may sound ungrateful but my DW has never been able to control her mom. By that I mean when her Mom comes to her house she has an incessant need to clean. I have, for longer than I care to admit at this point, expressed gratitude to my wife while letting her know that my MIL washing my underwear and cleaning our sheets is a violation of my privacy. I offered DW cleaning people but she didn't want others in our home. When the argument comes to ahead, my wife will admit that she fights with her mom about it but that she cannot control her mom. Then her mom, an immigrant, will feign that she didn't know.

There's long frustration on my part about this; its not the cleaning but rather the macro issues such as not being able to pursue job opportunities in other parts of the country because DW doesn't want to leave her MIL and from the outside in you can see its from her MIL controlling her. Tells her she can come with us but MIL doesn't want leave area so now one can - its insane. But it is because MIL doesn't want to live with us because then she loses control and independence. Offered to get her nicer housing so she can be more independent says no, then have to worry about her living locale and expenses. Discussed this pre-marriage with stated goal of leaving the area for cheaper place to live but after marriage well let's just say there was some bait and switch.

Today was another example. MIL on extended stay, asked about cleaning, item needed to be cleaned but asked not to do so. She elects to do and damages item that will now need repair. I'm older now and don't have the fight in me. Ask wife and she's like I told her she won't listen to me.

Perhaps just a vent - but the downside of being older and not having the fight in me is that I am also getting to the point - empty nest is on the horizon that I just don't care anymore and I am not going to subject myself to your inability to control MIL. Should have left years ago. Tired of fighting - when I ask her not to do things she tells me that I don't appreciate things and when I mention broken items - not the first time - I get told not to blame others for my problems.

She is very controlling; I found her children (wife and BIL) to lack fortitude. I don't think they ever developed their own inner strength.

So hoping smarter people then me have ideas. Asking/telling doesn't work.

Thanks for letting me vent.

[Anonymous]

Plenty of people have divorced or come near to it because of in-law problems.

So speak up and tell your wife that if she can't have healthy boundaries with her mother (with or without a therapist):

1. you will first blow up at the mother and tell her she is not welcome in your home anymore.

2. if that does not work, divorce your wife.

Either you speak up for yourself, or you accept your fate.

[Anonymous]

You used the word control or a variation of it, 7 times in your post. You're an ass. What human can control another? If YOU don't want MIL pre-treating your skivvies, then YOU tell her. It clearly doesn't bother your wife to have MIL take over either, because you keep letting her into your home. You mention you're close to being empty-nesters, so having her over to play with grandkids clearly isn't the reason behind that.
You both need to grow a pair, tell MIL how things will be in YOUR house or else STFU.
Oh, and quit using the word "control" when talking about other human beings.

[Anonymous]

Lock your bedroom door so MIL can't get to your underwear and sheets.

[Anonymous]

Can any of us "control" our mothers, or anyone else for that matter? OP, your frustration is valid, but your anger is misdirected at your wife when it belongs on your MIL. Your MIL sounds majorly OCD and controlling - not problems your poor wife can fix. Couples therapy time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You used the word control or a variation of it, 7 times in your post. You're an ass. What human can control another? If YOU don't want MIL pre-treating your skivvies, then YOU tell her. It clearly doesn't bother your wife to have MIL take over either, because you keep letting her into your home. You mention you're close to being empty-nesters, so having her over to play with grandkids clearly isn't the reason behind that.
You both need to grow a pair, tell MIL how things will be in YOUR house or else STFU.
Oh, and quit using the word "control" when talking about other human beings.

I totally disagree with this. It's DW's mother and DW should manage her. "Control" is a strong word, but if this makes dh so unhappy, why would Dw not simply tell her mother to stop cleaning?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You used the word control or a variation of it, 7 times in your post. You're an ass. What human can control another? If YOU don't want MIL pre-treating your skivvies, then YOU tell her. It clearly doesn't bother your wife to have MIL take over either, because you keep letting her into your home. You mention you're close to being empty-nesters, so having her over to play with grandkids clearly isn't the reason behind that.
You both need to grow a pair, tell MIL how things will be in YOUR house or else STFU.
Oh, and quit using the word "control" when talking about other human beings.

I totally disagree with this. It's DW's mother and DW should manage her. "Control" is a strong word, but if this makes dh so unhappy, why would Dw not simply tell her mother to stop cleaning?

PP here. OP says she has, although she must not have gotten her point across because MIL continues. If OP feels that strongly, he should man up and have a chat with MIL

[Anonymous]

Seriously, OP, send your MIL to my house. I would love some help cleaning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You used the word control or a variation of it, 7 times in your post. You're an ass. What human can control another? If YOU don't want MIL pre-treating your skivvies, then YOU tell her. It clearly doesn't bother your wife to have MIL take over either, because you keep letting her into your home. You mention you're close to being empty-nesters, so having her over to play with grandkids clearly isn't the reason behind that.
You both need to grow a pair, tell MIL how things will be in YOUR house or else STFU.
Oh, and quit using the word "control" when talking about other human beings.

I totally disagree with this. It's DW's mother and DW should manage her. "Control" is a strong word, but if this makes dh so unhappy, why would Dw not simply tell her mother to stop cleaning?

PP here. OP says she has, although she must not have gotten her point across because MIL continues. If OP feels that strongly, he should man up and have a chat with MIL

NP female here - I hate this absurd phrase.

People should primarily deal with their own parents/siblings/etc. Wife should have a chat with her mom, even it takes repeated discussions. When all else fails, lock on the bedroom door.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seriously, OP, send your MIL to my house. I would love some help cleaning.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Granted this may sound ungrateful but my DW has never been able to control her mom. By that I mean when her Mom comes to her house she has an incessant need to clean. I have, for longer than I care to admit at this point, expressed gratitude to my wife while letting her know that my MIL washing my underwear and cleaning our sheets is a violation of my privacy. I offered DW cleaning people but she didn't want others in our home. When the argument comes to ahead, my wife will admit that she fights with her mom about it but that she cannot control her mom. Then her mom, an immigrant, will feign that she didn't know.

There's long frustration on my part about this; its not the cleaning but rather the macro issues such as not being able to pursue job opportunities in other parts of the country because DW doesn't want to leave her MIL and from the outside in you can see its from her MIL controlling her. Tells her she can come with us but MIL doesn't want leave area so now one can - its insane. But it is because MIL doesn't want to live with us because then she loses control and independence. Offered to get her nicer housing so she can be more independent says no, then have to worry about her living locale and expenses. Discussed this pre-marriage with stated goal of leaving the area for cheaper place to live but after marriage well let's just say there was some bait and switch.

Today was another example. MIL on extended stay, asked about cleaning, item needed to be cleaned but asked not to do so. She elects to do and damages item that will now need repair. I'm older now and don't have the fight in me. Ask wife and she's like I told her she won't listen to me.

Perhaps just a vent - but the downside of being older and not having the fight in me is that I am also getting to the point - empty nest is on the horizon that I just don't care anymore and I am not going to subject myself to your inability to control MIL. Should have left years ago. Tired of fighting - when I ask her not to do things she tells me that I don't appreciate things and when I mention broken items - not the first time - I get told not to blame others for my problems.

She is very controlling; I found her children (wife and BIL) to lack fortitude. I don't think they ever developed their own inner strength.

So hoping smarter people then me have ideas. Asking/telling doesn't work.

Thanks for letting me vent.

First of all, your wife CAN'T control her mother. What you can control is your access to things like your undies. How gross. You have let this grow into a problem instead of nipping it in the bud, so you are equally at fault.

How to fix it: You need to sit your wife down and say you need boundaries otherwise you are going to divorce her. I don't think it's asking too much for your MIL to leave your undies alone. Would DW want your father to wash her undies? I wouldn't think so.

This has been a problem for almost 2 decades. Why have you stayed silent for so long? Talking about it and coming to a DECISION was what you should have done instead of just "whining" about it. Neither of you have a backbone. Maybe you wanted to "keep the peace" but keeping the peace is about little things, not a BIG invasion of privacy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Granted this may sound ungrateful but my DW has never been able to control her mom. By that I mean when her Mom comes to her house she has an incessant need to clean. I have, for longer than I care to admit at this point, expressed gratitude to my wife while letting her know that my MIL washing my underwear and cleaning our sheets is a violation of my privacy. I offered DW cleaning people but she didn't want others in our home. When the argument comes to ahead, my wife will admit that she fights with her mom about it but that she cannot control her mom. Then her mom, an immigrant, will feign that she didn't know.

There's long frustration on my part about this; its not the cleaning but rather the macro issues such as not being able to pursue job opportunities in other parts of the country because DW doesn't want to leave her MIL and from the outside in you can see its from her MIL controlling her. Tells her she can come with us but MIL doesn't want leave area so now one can - its insane. But it is because MIL doesn't want to live with us because then she loses control and independence. Offered to get her nicer housing so she can be more independent says no, then have to worry about her living locale and expenses. Discussed this pre-marriage with stated goal of leaving the area for cheaper place to live but after marriage well let's just say there was some bait and switch.

Today was another example. MIL on extended stay, asked about cleaning, item needed to be cleaned but asked not to do so. She elects to do and damages item that will now need repair. I'm older now and don't have the fight in me. Ask wife and she's like I told her she won't listen to me.

Perhaps just a vent - but the downside of being older and not having the fight in me is that I am also getting to the point - empty nest is on the horizon that I just don't care anymore and I am not going to subject myself to your inability to control MIL. Should have left years ago. Tired of fighting - when I ask her not to do things she tells me that I don't appreciate things and when I mention broken items - not the first time - I get told not to blame others for my problems.

She is very controlling; I found her children (wife and BIL) to lack fortitude. I don't think they ever developed their own inner strength.

So hoping smarter people then me have ideas. Asking/telling doesn't work.

Thanks for letting me vent.

IF you talk to the MIL, and tell her NO, how can she pretend she didn't know? Then tell her she is no longer welcome in your home if she can't leave your undies alone. Seriously, this is messed up!

And you can't control a person. Stop saying that or people will call you an ass because you sound like one.
I agree with another poster that perhaps MIL has a mental issue (OCD) and you should perhaps focus on having her assessed?

[Anonymous]

Either learn her language so you can say "Please don't wash linens and my laundry" in it or put your laundry in your bedroom and learn to say "Do not enter this room" in her language. Or just get a lock on your door.

You need to let your wife know where you are. "Do you realize I'm close to divorcing you because of your mom? that's how serious I am about these issues bothering me. I don't want to divorce you, but this is killing my soul. We really need to work this out."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Either learn her language so you can say "Please don't wash linens and my laundry" in it or put your laundry in your bedroom and learn to say "Do not enter this room" in her language. Or just get a lock on your door.

You need to let your wife know where you are. "Do you realize I'm close to divorcing you because of your mom? that's how serious I am about these issues bothering me. I don't want to divorce you, but this is killing my soul. We really need to work this out."

+1000 When a spouse says they no longer have the fight in them, that is serious stuff. However, your wife might choose her mother instead of the marriage since she has let her mother walk all over your marriage.

No wonder you are ready to throw in the towel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You used the word control or a variation of it, 7 times in your post. You're an ass. What human can control another? If YOU don't want MIL pre-treating your skivvies, then YOU tell her. It clearly doesn't bother your wife to have MIL take over either, because you keep letting her into your home. You mention you're close to being empty-nesters, so having her over to play with grandkids clearly isn't the reason behind that.
You both need to grow a pair, tell MIL how things will be in YOUR house or else STFU.
Oh, and quit using the word "control" when talking about other human beings.

I totally disagree with this. It's DW's mother and DW should manage her. "Control" is a strong word, but if this makes dh so unhappy, why would Dw not simply tell her mother to stop cleaning?

PP here. OP says she has, although she must not have gotten her point across because MIL continues. If OP feels that strongly, he should man up and have a chat with MIL

OP here. It is not my place to speak with my MIL. It is my DW place to speak with her mom. Perhaps control is the wrong word. Here is the challenge - DW tells her Mom please don't touch our stuff" Mother In Law ignores her. Just flat out ignores her. So, I don't know the proper term but how to handle a relative in your home when you ask them not to do something and they keep doing it. My DW is not going to not let her mom come over to visit, she will acquiesce. I think my wife would rather tell me to get over it then be strict with her Mom.