to women how did you know when you definitely wanted a divorce? (other than a big explosive reason)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would it make sense to get a FT job, figuring you will need one eventually? In the meantime it might help shake up your dynamic and give you perspective.

Yes, this. Try to start living like you would if you were to get divorced. Could you afford it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For someone who is in a marriage that is for the most part OK, no infidelity, no abuse, etc......but just really unhappy and just don't feel "in love" anymore (25 years later). I enjoy my time alone more than with him, etc.....he is a difficult person to get along, very grumpy and moody, and i just don't have the tolerance (or desire) to put up with it or try to work it out with him......how do you know if you should just grin and bear things, knowing they could be much worse or know when its time to recognize it will not get much better and resign yourself to a lifetime of part time happiness.

The upside is he is an excellent provider, very well to do/successful so we live a very luxurious lifestyle but i know its not everything (though it does make life a lot more comfortable). Any sound advice or experiences you want to share that may shed some light on my situation. No I have not talked to him about how i am feeling because it would result in a major blowout and I am not up for it.

I think you just nailed it right there OP.

In a nutshell, if you are much happier being alone than being w/your mate, that is a true sign that the marriage is done.

A partner is supposed to bring added joy to your life. He is supposed to benefit your life in a positive manner somehow.

If you feel like your life has gone from POSITIVE ------> NEGATIVE, then you must take the bull by the horns and leave this situation if you really want to get your life back again.

[Anonymous]

If only we weren't anonymous we could start a support group. I have been teetering on the edge for four years now, you're lucky your child is nearly done with high school, mine's just starting. At least I know I could get another paying job and half the equity in our home would set me up in a reasonable 2-bedroom somewhere, but the havoc on my child is what's stopping me.

We're married in name only at this point and I wonder that my husband wouldn't be frustrated enough to leave on his own but somehow it's always the wife who initiates divorce. I'm thinking maybe his satisfaction at work (very successful) makes the crappy home life less of an issue for him.

[Anonymous]

I'm kind of in this situation. He's a good dad but not fun to live with for me. I'm not in love with him, we don't have sex, there's no desire. But, we have kids and I couldn't make it on my own financially. I'd have to move to a different area to survive on just my income. He says he would be a weekend dad, so my kids would be deprived of a father.

So, I guess I'll stay. It seems selfish to throw everyone's lives into upheaval just because I want to have the opportunity to fall in love. Mind you, there's no guarantee that the right guy is just waiting for me to decide to leave. With my luck I'd just end up broke and alone.

So Op, I guess the point of this post is that you're not the only one choosing misery over the unknown.

[Anonymous]

"The upside is he is an excellent provider, very well to do/successful so we live a very luxurious lifestyle but i know its not everything (though it does make life a lot more comfortable)."

OP has named her price.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's pretty freaking unsavory, though. Don't use him for his money.

Not his money.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I think you should wait it out. I've been married almost 25 years, and my youngest is 16. I believe that you're more likely experiencing the very common ups & downs consistent with decades of sharing a life with someone, combined with the impending empty nest concerns. If you still feel this way in a number of years, then I'd take action.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here freelance part time but do not have to "work". This is more of a creative endeavor- and is a great outlet for me.
Just so confused do not want to be 60 and feeling like I missed the boat but then you hear stories of women regretting it due to a change in lifestyle and I will be the first to say its a great thing!

I am 48 my youngest is 17. She is a senior in high school.

OP I feel your pain. Many woman feel this way at this point in their lives, but are you really ready to be poor? And trust me, you will be poor. Unless you are extremely beautiful and have the next one all lined up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's pretty freaking unsavory, though. Don't use him for his money.

Not his money.

Not hers, based on her posts.

[Anonymous]

I am 56, married 26 years, youngest is in college. We don't live a lavish lifestyle. I work PT. I am absolutely happier alone than with him. He is self-centered and moody. Have been walking on eggshells for YEARS! Just haven't been able to get the nerve to leave.

[Anonymous]

This was my MIL. Divorced my FIL after 20-25 years of marriage. She couldn't take his lack of affection, interest in her life, workaholic ways. Her youngest had just graduated from college. She got a huge settlement in the divorce-- FIL is loaded so I don't know if it was 50% but plenty. Rather than alimony (would have to have continuing dealings with FIL) she got a big lump sum.

She was much happier!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's pretty freaking unsavory, though. Don't use him for his money.

Here's the thing, OP (and women like her) are trying to figure out whether their spouses bring a net increase or decrease to their happiness. Some husbands can provide littlenin the way of emotional support, but can provide a reapite from financial stress and this may ultimately balance out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If only we weren't anonymous we could start a support group. I have been teetering on the edge for four years now, you're lucky your child is nearly done with high school, mine's just starting. At least I know I could get another paying job and half the equity in our home would set me up in a reasonable 2-bedroom somewhere, but the havoc on my child is what's stopping me.

We're married in name only at this point and I wonder that my husband wouldn't be frustrated enough to leave on his own but somehow it's always the wife who initiates divorce. I'm thinking maybe his satisfaction at work (very successful) makes the crappy home life less of an issue for him.

+1. I must have written this while I was sleeping and I don't remember.

[Anonymous]

Net increase or net decrease concept is good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP a bit harsh. I commend op for admitting something I can assure nearly all women in her shoes do- put up to maintain their lifestyle. When there is big money- it is very hard to walk away when one is used to all the perks.

Sounds to me like she has stayed also because of the youngest still living at home. I just don't think most women will admit the real reason they stay but I assure you it is a hell of a lot harder to walk away from a rich crabby bastard than a poor crabby bastard!

Whore mentality.

What about all the men who don't get a divorce because of the cost? Whores also?