to women how did you know when you definitely wanted a divorce? (other than a big explosive reason)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP a bit harsh. I commend op for admitting something I can assure nearly all women in her shoes do- put up to maintain their lifestyle. When there is big money- it is very hard to walk away when one is used to all the perks.

Sounds to me like she has stayed also because of the youngest still living at home. I just don't think most women will admit the real reason they stay but I assure you it is a hell of a lot harder to walk away from a rich crabby bastard than a poor crabby bastard!

Whore mentality.

I am sure that in very nice suburbs, women say, "if I leave now, there goes the house, the giant black SUV, the fitness center membership, and seeing my kids every day". And men think, "if I leave now, there go half the assets and I see my kids every other weekend and once a week". Sad but true.

[Anonymous]

I left a similar marriage after I discovered DH was cheating. Nothing was horrible, but I wasn't happy for a long time (apparently, neither was DH). I wouldn't have broken up our marriage myself (we have kids), but when I found out about the infidelity and other stuff, it was actually a relief.

I am much happier now. My lifestyle has taken a huge hit. I live on about 7% of what I used to have -- but that's okay.

Decide whether you can handle a lower life-style. If you'll be bitter forever if your circumstances change -- stay where you are. FWIW, I am 48 as well and am finding that life is great on my own, but there are also some quality guys around, too.

[Anonymous]

I get it. My mom stayed for the financial convenience and my dad was a good provider but awful dh. She now suffers from extreme depression but he takes good care of her ....he's chilled out as he is now 70. But she had an emotionally harsh life. I always wished she had confidence to leave. Didn't think he old raise the kids on her own. Life is short, be happy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP a bit harsh. I commend op for admitting something I can assure nearly all women in her shoes do- put up to maintain their lifestyle. When there is big money- it is very hard to walk away when one is used to all the perks.

Sounds to me like she has stayed also because of the youngest still living at home. I just don't think most women will admit the real reason they stay but I assure you it is a hell of a lot harder to walk away from a rich crabby bastard than a poor crabby bastard!

Whore mentality.

I am sure that in very nice suburbs, women say, "if I leave now, there goes the house, the giant black SUV, the fitness center membership, and seeing my kids every day". And men think, "if I leave now, there go half the assets and I see my kids every other weekend and once a week". Sad but true.

You act like all women in very nice suburbs are SAHMs. Blech. I don't divorce because I'm a self made millionaire and don't want H to get half. Sexist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP a bit harsh. I commend op for admitting something I can assure nearly all women in her shoes do- put up to maintain their lifestyle. When there is big money- it is very hard to walk away when one is used to all the perks.

Sounds to me like she has stayed also because of the youngest still living at home. I just don't think most women will admit the real reason they stay but I assure you it is a hell of a lot harder to walk away from a rich crabby bastard than a poor crabby bastard!

Whore mentality.

I am sure that in very nice suburbs, women say, "if I leave now, there goes the house, the giant black SUV, the fitness center membership, and seeing my kids every day". And men think, "if I leave now, there go half the assets and I see my kids every other weekend and once a week". Sad but true.

You act like all women in very nice suburbs are SAHMs. Blech. I don't divorce because I'm a self made millionaire and don't want H to get half. Sexist.

Yes to this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP a bit harsh. I commend op for admitting something I can assure nearly all women in her shoes do- put up to maintain their lifestyle. When there is big money- it is very hard to walk away when one is used to all the perks.

Sounds to me like she has stayed also because of the youngest still living at home. I just don't think most women will admit the real reason they stay but I assure you it is a hell of a lot harder to walk away from a rich crabby bastard than a poor crabby bastard!

Whore mentality.

What about all the men who don't get a divorce because of the cost? Whores also?

Excellent point. I know that if I were to get a divorce (man) that it would cost me considerably and a lot of the financial comfort and flexibility would be gone. Am I a whore (I make almost all the money)? Maybe I am a pimp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP a bit harsh. I commend op for admitting something I can assure nearly all women in her shoes do- put up to maintain their lifestyle. When there is big money- it is very hard to walk away when one is used to all the perks.

Sounds to me like she has stayed also because of the youngest still living at home. I just don't think most women will admit the real reason they stay but I assure you it is a hell of a lot harder to walk away from a rich crabby bastard than a poor crabby bastard!

Whore mentality.

I am sure that in very nice suburbs, women say, "if I leave now, there goes the house, the giant black SUV, the fitness center membership, and seeing my kids every day". And men think, "if I leave now, there go half the assets and I see my kids every other weekend and once a week". Sad but true.

You act like all women in very nice suburbs are SAHMs. Blech. I don't divorce because I'm a self made millionaire and don't want H to get half. Sexist.

Good point but I call BS.

[Anonymous]

He harped on and on about non-exclusivity and the outdated concept of fidelity on another thread. No wait! that's a total stranger. I'm still married to DH! My marriage is saved!

[Anonymous]

Just my two cents, my sister was in very similar situation, but lives in NY. Her husband was a multi millionaire but in the end even the money could not keep her there, she was miserable. And it got to a point where she just could not go on.....not sure what the laws are in NY but she kept their home, has an apt. in NYC basically is EXTREMELY well taken care of as are their four kids. So I am not sure why many are implying you will be poor? Your husband will have to support you and if hes rich then even better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just my two cents, my sister was in very similar situation, but lives in NY. Her husband was a multi millionaire but in the end even the money could not keep her there, she was miserable. And it got to a point where she just could not go on.....not sure what the laws are in NY but she kept their home, has an apt. in NYC basically is EXTREMELY well taken care of as are their four kids. So I am not sure why many are implying you will be poor? Your husband will have to support you and if hes rich then even better.

I think if someone is loaded, it's not as big of a deal. But if a husband is making say 300K, which is a lot but not filthy rich, and he moves into an apartment, etc., there is just fewer resources now. The same pot of money has to support two households. And if he is no longer covering your insurance, you need to factor that in. You are on your own for retirement, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just my two cents, my sister was in very similar situation, but lives in NY. Her husband was a multi millionaire but in the end even the money could not keep her there, she was miserable. And it got to a point where she just could not go on.....not sure what the laws are in NY but she kept their home, has an apt. in NYC basically is EXTREMELY well taken care of as are their four kids. So I am not sure why many are implying you will be poor? Your husband will have to support you and if hes rich then even better.

I think if someone is loaded, it's not as big of a deal. But if a husband is making say 300K, which is a lot but not filthy rich, and he moves into an apartment, etc., there is just fewer resources now. The same pot of money has to support two households. And if he is no longer covering your insurance, you need to factor that in. You are on your own for retirement, etc.

In some cases, a spouse can be awarded a portion of retirement funds and pension(s). Spouse may qualify for SS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it. My mom stayed for the financial convenience and my dad was a good provider but awful dh. She now suffers from extreme depression but he takes good care of her ....he's chilled out as he is now 70. But she had an emotionally harsh life. I always wished she had confidence to leave. Didn't think he old raise the kids on her own. Life is short, be happy!

How old were you when you started wishing they would have divorced? This is me except my kids are little and I'm already extremely depressed. I can't figure out if they're happier with him here or if they'd be okay without him. He threatens to take off, be out of our lives completely so I'm kind of being held hostage too.

[Anonymous]

I'm another one in the same boat: loveless, sexless marriage with a moody, hostile, miserable presence in my life. I make my own decent living, and I'd be willing to accept the significant lifestyle change that a split would bring. It would just be so disruptive to DD, so I'm stuck (and so is he).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here freelance part time but do not have to "work". This is more of a creative endeavor- and is a great outlet for me.

Just so confused do not want to be 60 and feeling like I missed the boat but then you hear stories of women regretting it due to a change in lifestyle and I will be the first to say its a great thing!

I am 48 my youngest is 17. She is a senior in high school.

As a DH in a similar strait I want to sympathize with you; but your concern about giving up your lifestyle caused me to lose all respect for you. Take the bad with the good, or get out and take the good with the bad. Otherwise you nothing more than a whore. Sounds harsh but its true. If you are staying with your DH because you don't want to give up your lifestyle that his work is paying for - how do you look yourself in the eye ?

I agree with this, but not at all with calling her a whore. If you want the luxuries so much and there are no major issues then put up with the negatives and stop complaining. If you are willing to give up the perks of being married to him in return for more peace of mind, happiness etc then do that but you can't have both.

There are people who stay in crappy marriages for very good reasons but a life of luxury is not one of them IMO. It's not like you'd leave with no alimony after 25 years, with him being a high earner you'd still get financial support from him I'd guess. If you were barely making ends meet, kids with special needs, nowhere to go, I'd understand being torn. You have the "luxury" of making a choice to leave or to stay that many don't

[Anonymous]

Seems to me, OP hasn't really tried to make it work with her DH. Has she gone to therapy? alone? with him? the not, wanting to deal with talking about is a sign, to me, that she is not ready for a divorce. So says someone who has gone through it. The dealing with it part of getting divorce is enormous. Do NOT underestimate.