Families and money - cheapskate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since your mother is a doormat, your stepfather assumes you are the same.

I suspect this is true... I'd simply tell stepfather that he has not reimbursed you fully, that he still owes $160 and that money means a lot to you and your kids, can he please get you the money quickly? I would not assume you will ever see the money, but if I were you, I'd feel better knowing I asked.

Next time this situation occurs (which I think it will), you will simply say: I'm sorry but we're strapped for cash and here's the box office phone number (or hotel phone number or whatever it is) so you can take care of this directly. We're looking forward to seeing you again.

Although there is a lot to this story, stewing on a situation out of your control is not going to make you feel better. But you can see your stepfather as a very unpleasant life lesson about not being a doormat and feel good teaching your kids they don't have to be either.

[Anonymous]

OP, I sympathized with you right up until you said you refused the $160 when he did offer it. That's your only legitimate grievance here, especially since you admit you knew this pattern to begin with.

Your first mistake was offering to front paying for anything for him/them. I wouldn't do that if I knew he had a history of being "cheap." Why couldn't he give you his CC info or write you a check up-front for the cost if he just wanted you to do the logistics if you were more familiar with it?

[Anonymous]

OP here - Tell me more about the $160 - but first I'll explain why I didn't take it, and I'm open to being wrong not taking it. I didn't take it as it was only "offered" very grudgingly after I yelled at him and called him cheap. So 1. I didn't feel like the offer was "real" as it didn't come from the his own judgement - I had to pull it out, and 2. I felt badly about yelling at him and calling him cheap, so in a weird way I felt like the $160 was guilt payment for yelling at him and calling him cheap, which is something (obviously) we don't do in our family. So (and I sorry to be so obtuse - please forgive given my background) maybe I was being passive aggressive? Don't you think it's too late now to ask for the $160 and call it a day? I've already written it off. I'm thinking it's better to forget about it all and move on. Is it better to ask for the $160?

Writing about it brings back memories of when I was a kid (again, likely the reason why this is so painful) of asking for an ice cream, and having him pull out his wallet and some bills, and waving them in front of me. I would reach for them, and then he'd pull them back and put them in his pocket. I learned quickly never to ask him for anything. He still does this today - if we go out to dinner he waves his credit card around, and I always pull out mine and say we'll pay for our share, and he always accepts. Or my mom pays for us all - she'll let us know that before hand though.

There's no way he would ever give my his CC info for the transaction. That's crazy talk to someone like him. And I doubt he would have gotten the tickets himself. Which in hindsight would have been better (for me) than this situation.

Thanks all for your words of wisdom.

[Anonymous]

As the child and grandchild of cheapskates, I feel your pain. Now as grown ups we laugh about it, but growing up, it was no fun.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this - I hate being the one making purchases on behalf of a group for this very reason.

He offered the $160 and you turned it down. I say leave it alone and consider it an expensive lesson. Hope the kids enjoyed the ballgame at least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since your mother is a doormat, your stepfather assumes you are the same.

Stop fronting for him! Problem solved.

+1000

Learn to say No. Your mother should have stood up for herself. What a doormat!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I should have reimbursed for all of the tickets. Why didn't he? Other than being cheap, I mean. I would just tell him that you couldn't afford the $160 and you need to be reimbursed ASAP.

The rest of it really isn't your business.

I agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Entitlement is an interesting point that I've wondered about. My views on that have changed a bit since I've had my own kids. I used to feel, from my mom, that it is HIS money, and not ours. But he was my "dad" since age 11. And when I read about modern monetary obligations of step-parents, it seems like they are expected to step up and support their "kids." I'll tell you that his cheapness hurt when I was little too, but I was told that I wasn't due anything, as he was a step. But as I've gotten older, it seems like this isn't so clear cut anymore.

He is not your dad.

It is not your money.

I don't think this is really about the $160. It is about you feeling you are entitled to his money. You are not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Entitlement is an interesting point that I've wondered about. My views on that have changed a bit since I've had my own kids. I used to feel, from my mom, that it is HIS money, and not ours. But he was my "dad" since age 11. And when I read about modern monetary obligations of step-parents, it seems like they are expected to step up and support their "kids." I'll tell you that his cheapness hurt when I was little too, but I was told that I wasn't due anything, as he was a step. But as I've gotten older, it seems like this isn't so clear cut anymore.

Where, exactly, have you read this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Since your mother is a doormat, your stepfather assumes you are the same.

Stop fronting for him! Problem solved.

OP here - I like the simplicity of this, and somehow it makes me feel better.

Agreed, no more money matters with these folks. And yes, I kick myself for fronting the money, well knowing that I was putting myself in a bad spot.

When they were here, I did ask for the $160, and he didn't refused to respond or do anything, just turned away (this is his usual mode of "dealing" with things he doesn't want to deal with). I didn't want to get into a fight in front of the grandkids while they were here. After they left I called and let him have it and called him cheap, and he offered to send a check, and I refused to accept it.

If you don't accept the check you are officially being petty and passive aggressive. Accept the check, move on.

Agree, wth? Call and ream him out and then refuse the check? OP, are you 12?

Grow up!

[Anonymous]

Agree, wth? Call and ream him out and then refuse the check? OP, are you 12?

Grow up!

OP here - this is not helpful. Please see post above, and help me with what the grown-up thing to do is. Yell at him and take the $160? Really, I do not know. And yes, likely because I am stuck as a 12 year old in this situation. Which is why I am asking for help and other views.

[Anonymous]

Op, I completely understand where you are coming from. Even down to the point of refusing the check at the end.

My father and stepmother (who handles all the money) did the same to us when we took a trip to Hawaii. She said she would pay for luau tickets. Then she said she wanted premium tickets instead. She said she would pay for golf fees, dinners, etc. We never expected them to pay for our share as we had our own money, but after she said she would pay, well, we expected it at that point. At the end of the week she wrote us a check for $700 which wasn't even close to the full amount. We were pretty upset. I didn't have the heart to say anything (because I knew she would cut us off from my dad) but now I had learned our lesson and never again. From this point on, if they want something, I will email the website with the phone number.

Sorry you went through everything you have. It sounds like you had a rough childhood with his games. No wonder you are upset. I would be too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Agree, wth? Call and ream him out and then refuse the check? OP, are you 12?

Grow up!

OP here - this is not helpful. Please see post above, and help me with what the grown-up thing to do is. Yell at him and take the $160? Really, I do not know. And yes, likely because I am stuck as a 12 year old in this situation. Which is why I am asking for help and other views.

You need a professional OP. And I say this kindly, but no one on here can give you the help you need.

Now what I would have done:

"Bill, as I appreciate the check for the $500 but I"m not sure if you remember that I had also bought $160 worth of tickets. In the end, you thought we should have better seats so said I should just donate them to charity. If you could please get me that check for $160 at your earliest convenience, I would greatly appreciate it."

You yelling at him and calling him a cheapskate put him on the defensive. Many ways to handle that better. But let's just say I did what you did later on, when he offered I would have said "I apologize for getting so mad at you. That is not a small amount for our family and I was annoyed that I felt like you were trying to get out of reimbursing me for it. Yes, please mail the check when you can".

But seriously OP, you need professional help to deal with this.

[Anonymous]

when I read about modern monetary obligations of step-parents, it seems like they are expected to step up and support their "kids."

Where, exactly, have you read this?

Section 475(f)(3) of the Higher Education Act of 1965 specifies that if the parent responsible for completing the FAFSA has remarried as of the application date, the stepparent’s financial information must be reported on the FAFSA. This requirement applies regardless of whether the parent is divorced, separated or a widow or widower.

There are no exceptions, not even if you have a prenuptial agreement, file separate income tax returns or weren’t married until this year.

If you appeal for more aid because your husband refuses to contribute, the appeal will be denied.

[Anonymous]

Pp here from. Hawaii trip.

Maybe let things cool off for a day or two and then call him and apologize for yelling. Then try to explain that you do not have that kind of money to front anymore but you do look forward to seeing them again. If I were you I would also tell him that it stems from your childhood with one instance in particular, ie ice cream. I think it would benefit you to get this off of your chest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

when I read about modern monetary obligations of step-parents, it seems like they are expected to step up and support their "kids."

Where, exactly, have you read this?

Section 475(f)(3) of the Higher Education Act of 1965 specifies that if the parent responsible for completing the FAFSA has remarried as of the application date, the stepparent’s financial information must be reported on the FAFSA. This requirement applies regardless of whether the parent is divorced, separated or a widow or widower.

There are no exceptions, not even if you have a prenuptial agreement, file separate income tax returns or weren’t married until this year.

If you appeal for more aid because your husband refuses to contribute, the appeal will be denied.

Blah blah blah.

Both of my step parents have helped pay for us.