Families and money - cheapskate

[Anonymous]

Maybe this is a vent only. I am really stinging from a visit from my mom and stepfather this past weekend. He wanted to see the ballgame, and offered to pay for tickets for all of us. He wanted me to buy them, and said he’d pay. I asked for guidance, sending the stadium map and range of prices, and got no response. So I bought cheap seats - knowing that he’s a cheapskate, for a total of $160. Then he wanted to get better tickets, and said he’d pay for better tickets. So I bought other tickets for $500. I told him the first set was non-refundable non-exchangeable. With his consent, I gave them to special needs kids. He sent me a check for $500. This made me furious, as it left me holding the bag for the $160 tickets.

Background: My mom and stepdad are in their late 70s, and have been married for over 30 years. They live about 7 hours north from here. Stepdad has always been really really cheap and stingy. He never pays for anything. He makes my mom pay for the cars, even though he does 90 percent of the driving (he never thinks their cars, that usually go when the odometer is at 200,000 miles, need to be replaced). He has a combined SS and pension of about $120,000 a year, and a liquid net worth of about $4 million. My mom has a pension of about $65,000, and about $500,000 in assets, including the house, which she “got” in the divorce with my dad. Stepdad has paid very little to stay in the house all of these years, with my mom shouldering about 75% of food, and all of the mortgage and repairs (my mom would occasionally ask for money, and get nothing, and put up with it as she wanted to be "independent"). He didn’t pay anything towards my education (he moved in when I was 11), and nothing towards my kids’ education, even though he vaguely offered to (when we said we would appreciate it if he did, he fell silent).

Money is tight in my house. What happened this weekend with the tickets made me really angry - and I see that it’s compounded by family history. After they went home, I told him what he did really hurt me, and that he was a cheapskate. Since we are not supposed to make waves in my family, I don’t think this went over well. But I feel like it needed to be said.

Now what? I still feel angry about it. I told him I didn’t want the $160, I wanted him to know that I felt what he did was wrong and cheap and that it hurt. I figure I just move on - I am so angry that I feel like I don’t care if I never see them again, although I’m not sure that’s really true.

Reading some other posts about family and money, at least I’m not “up their butt.” But still, I feel like he was cheating me, and he’s cheated my family for years, and someone needs to stand up to him and tell him to stop.

Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

You sound very entitled to your stepdad's money. It works for your mom, let it be.
I do think he should have reimbursed you for the $160 tickets, but your first mistake was buying them and expecting to be reimbursed. That never works out.

[Anonymous]

I should have reimbursed for all of the tickets. Why didn't he? Other than being cheap, I mean. I would just tell him that you couldn't afford the $160 and you need to be reimbursed ASAP.

The rest of it really isn't your business.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Entitlement is an interesting point that I've wondered about. My views on that have changed a bit since I've had my own kids. I used to feel, from my mom, that it is HIS money, and not ours. But he was my "dad" since age 11. And when I read about modern monetary obligations of step-parents, it seems like they are expected to step up and support their "kids." I'll tell you that his cheapness hurt when I was little too, but I was told that I wasn't due anything, as he was a step. But as I've gotten older, it seems like this isn't so clear cut anymore.

[Anonymous]

Since your mother is a doormat, your stepfather assumes you are the same.

Stop fronting for him! Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Your mistake was doing ANYTHING that involved money with someone you KNEW was a cheapskate. You should be angry at yourself, because you can't control other people, only yourself.

Going forward do not get involved with him with ANYTHING that involves money. If I'd been you (I wouldn't have done anything with money) what I'd have differently is refused to buy the $500 seats BEFORE he sent me the $160 for the cheaper seats.

[Anonymous]

It's not clear what happened when you asked for the $160. Did you ask for it and he said he wouldn't reimburse you for it?

[Anonymous]

You've said what you needed to say to him. It's over - try not to dwell on it.

[Anonymous]

I think your only legitimate complaint is the 160.

I certainly do not think he's entitled to pay for your children's education. My parents have plenty of money and do not pay for their grandchildren's education.

The issue about your college education is a little iffy. I do not know if this is accurate, but I have heard that stepparents salary can be calculated into financial aid. If that is accurate, it kind of sucks if a step parent does not pay for an education, because the stepchild is screwed over in terms of aid.

There is nothing wrong with driving cars until they have 200,000 miles on them. That is smart. Maybe that is one reason why he has more liquid assets.

[Anonymous]

Since your mother is a doormat, your stepfather assumes you are the same.

Stop fronting for him! Problem solved.

OP here - I like the simplicity of this, and somehow it makes me feel better.

Agreed, no more money matters with these folks. And yes, I kick myself for fronting the money, well knowing that I was putting myself in a bad spot.

When they were here, I did ask for the $160, and he didn't refused to respond or do anything, just turned away (this is his usual mode of "dealing" with things he doesn't want to deal with). I didn't want to get into a fight in front of the grandkids while they were here. After they left I called and let him have it and called him cheap, and he offered to send a check, and I refused to accept it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Since your mother is a doormat, your stepfather assumes you are the same.

Stop fronting for him! Problem solved.

OP here - I like the simplicity of this, and somehow it makes me feel better.

Agreed, no more money matters with these folks. And yes, I kick myself for fronting the money, well knowing that I was putting myself in a bad spot.

When they were here, I did ask for the $160, and he didn't refused to respond or do anything, just turned away (this is his usual mode of "dealing" with things he doesn't want to deal with). I didn't want to get into a fight in front of the grandkids while they were here. After they left I called and let him have it and called him cheap, and he offered to send a check, and I refused to accept it.

If you don't accept the check you are officially being petty and passive aggressive. Accept the check, move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Since your mother is a doormat, your stepfather assumes you are the same.

Stop fronting for him! Problem solved.

OP here - I like the simplicity of this, and somehow it makes me feel better.

Agreed, no more money matters with these folks. And yes, I kick myself for fronting the money, well knowing that I was putting myself in a bad spot.

When they were here, I did ask for the $160, and he didn't refused to respond or do anything, just turned away (this is his usual mode of "dealing" with things he doesn't want to deal with). I didn't want to get into a fight in front of the grandkids while they were here. After they left I called and let him have it and called him cheap, and he offered to send a check, and I refused to accept it.

If you don't accept the check you are officially being petty and passive aggressive. Accept the check, move on.

This. You can't really be mad at this point anymore (well except at yourself). Honestly it sounds like the issues are half yours and half his. Therapy might help you to deal with the entitlement/pettiness issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Since your mother is a doormat, your stepfather assumes you are the same.

Stop fronting for him! Problem solved.

OP here - I like the simplicity of this, and somehow it makes me feel better.

Agreed, no more money matters with these folks. And yes, I kick myself for fronting the money, well knowing that I was putting myself in a bad spot.

When they were here, I did ask for the $160, and he didn't refused to respond or do anything, just turned away (this is his usual mode of "dealing" with things he doesn't want to deal with). I didn't want to get into a fight in front of the grandkids while they were here. After they left I called and let him have it and called him cheap, and he offered to send a check, and I refused to accept it.

If you don't accept the check you are officially being petty and passive aggressive. Accept the check, move on.

That's dumb. Take the check.

[Anonymous]

For all you know he's living money for education to your kids in his will.

Four mill is a lot, but being old can be expensive, so he may want to make sure he keeps as much as possible for home health needs, etc.

[Anonymous]

*leaving, not living