Wisdom from Moms of Older Kids- When is the right time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Empty nester here. My advice in a nutshell: stay home as long as you possibly can. Yes, through high school if possible. It matters to the kids ALOT. In subtle and more obvious ways. They won't thank you while they are home, but will thank you later. You don't get those years back.

lol!

June Cleaver died a long time ago. I do believe Wally's wife has her pearls, however.

Well then I guess I'm a June Cleaver too. I worked like crazy and then quit when my then youngest was in K (seems like an odd time to quit, but I just felt like I could not miss one more minute). After a few years, we then went for 2 more kids and I continued to SAH. Honestly it is nice to be able to say when pushed that I did (big shot job here) but really I'm most proud that I stayed home. And I freely admit that it's "easy to say/do" when I have a husband who is supportive in every way that matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Highly personal. I loved being at home with DS when he was 0-6. Now he is on school property or engaging in an organized activity (at which I am not present) from 8 a.m. to 5:00 pm most days. Soccer, chess, instruments, math club, student council, etc.

Me personally, I don't see the point of "staying at home" while DS is in another building, by law or by his choice, KWIM? What would be the point for me to sit at home while he is not even here?

To be fair, SAMs don't "sit at home" and wait for DCs to come home. KWIM?

Actually, I did just that for a whole lot of those 9 hours (8-5) ***when zero children were at home.****

No one will ever convince me -- because I lived it, remember -- that it takes 45 hours a week to grocery shop, prep dinner, take the dog to the vet, plant a garden, visit my gym and do a few chores/ errands. Unless someone is wildly crazily inefficient.

Of course I know that a woman need not sit at home while all her kids are gone from 8-5. She might hang out with friends, go to Pilates, get her hair blown out, take tennis lessons, participate in junior league and visit museums. And work on junior league committees that support museums. A steady schedule of these sorts of things would definitely fill many hours.

[Anonymous]

If you can, I would suggest part time, or be able to work from home in the afternoon. Being home when the kids got home during MS and HS helped/helps. I do not have a typical experience as both my children have special needs (LDs and mild ASD) and have needed more parenting than a neuro-typical child. Being available is key, it is not like when they are 4 and 7, when they needed more direct supervision. You can set yourself up to work while they get their homework done and (for me) be available to help if needed.

In my personal experience, I think there are four 15 minutes a day that are touch stones and help maintain open dialog and relationship with my teenagers.

1)The fifteen minutes in the morning (right before they leave for the bus) when we are getting ready for the day (eating our breakfasts, looking up the weather, making lunches, the dog, packing up for the bus). Different topics come up at this time that don't get mentioned at other times ("mom, I forgot- you need to sign this......")

2) The fifteen minutes when they get home and down load about their day while scrounging for a snack. 9 times out of ten it is mono-sylabic, but on that tenth day...... (How was your test in science? "fine")

3)The fifteen minutes at dinner when we are all at the table (I really try to make it last 20+ minutes- but it really doesn't) THis is where things come out about what is on their mind.

4) The fifteen minutes before they go to bed. Different topics come up at that point. Again, not every day- but when they do, it is usually important for them.

The odd times are usually when we are in the car driving somewhere.

If your current job is not very flexible or doesn't lend itself to reduced hours or working from home, perhaps now is the time to find one that is more flexible. I have been home for a while now since that is what works for our family and there is more to do during the day relating to our DC's issues (IEPs are time sinks), BUT working very reduced hours in MS and HS would have been a viable option- if it had been an option. It would have reduced some of the downsides to SAH.

Do what works for your family. Both you and your spouse need to agree to it. Look short term and long term. If you would feel vulnerable if you quit your job to sah, have a formal agreement set up between you and your spouse - it can be very simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Highly personal. I loved being at home with DS when he was 0-6. Now he is on school property or engaging in an organized activity (at which I am not present) from 8 a.m. to 5:00 pm most days. Soccer, chess, instruments, math club, student council, etc.

Me personally, I don't see the point of "staying at home" while DS is in another building, by law or by his choice, KWIM? What would be the point for me to sit at home while he is not even here?

To be fair, SAMs don't "sit at home" and wait for DCs to come home. KWIM?

Actually, I did just that for a whole lot of those 9 hours (8-5) ***when zero children were at home.****

No one will ever convince me -- because I lived it, remember -- that it takes 45 hours a week to grocery shop, prep dinner, take the dog to the vet, plant a garden, visit my gym and do a few chores/ errands. Unless someone is wildly crazily inefficient.

Of course I know that a woman need not sit at home while all her kids are gone from 8-5. She might hang out with friends, go to Pilates, get her hair blown out, take tennis lessons, participate in junior league and visit museums. And work on junior league committees that support museums. A steady schedule of these sorts of things would definitely fill many hours.

I SAH but there is no $$$ for lessons, spas, shopping til I drop. I do some volunteering but that is not why I stay at home. I agree with the others who say that their main purpose for staying home, at least with older kids, is to provide a presence. I'm to the point that some part time work, ideally while the kids are in school, would be nice but jobs with "school hours" are not that easy to find..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you can, I would suggest part time, or be able to work from home in the afternoon. Being home when the kids got home during MS and HS helped/helps. I do not have a typical experience as both my children have special needs (LDs and mild ASD) and have needed more parenting than a neuro-typical child. Being available is key, it is not like when they are 4 and 7, when they needed more direct supervision. You can set yourself up to work while they get their homework done and (for me) be available to help if needed.

In my personal experience, I think there are four 15 minutes a day that are touch stones and help maintain open dialog and relationship with my teenagers.

1)The fifteen minutes in the morning (right before they leave for the bus) when we are getting ready for the day (eating our breakfasts, looking up the weather, making lunches, the dog, packing up for the bus). Different topics come up at this time that don't get mentioned at other times ("mom, I forgot- you need to sign this......")

2) The fifteen minutes when they get home and down load about their day while scrounging for a snack. 9 times out of ten it is mono-sylabic, but on that tenth day...... (How was your test in science? "fine")

3)The fifteen minutes at dinner when we are all at the table (I really try to make it last 20+ minutes- but it really doesn't) THis is where things come out about what is on their mind.

4) The fifteen minutes before they go to bed. Different topics come up at that point. Again, not every day- but when they do, it is usually important for them.

The odd times are usually when we are in the car driving somewhere.

If your current job is not very flexible or doesn't lend itself to reduced hours or working from home, perhaps now is the time to find one that is more flexible. I have been home for a while now since that is what works for our family and there is more to do during the day relating to our DC's issues (IEPs are time sinks), BUT working very reduced hours in MS and HS would have been a viable option- if it had been an option. It would have reduced some of the downsides to SAH.

Do what works for your family. Both you and your spouse need to agree to it. Look short term and long term. If you would feel vulnerable if you quit your job to sah, have a formal agreement set up between you and your spouse - it can be very simple.

Thank you for the detailed well thought put message.

[Anonymous]

*out

[Anonymous]

Mine are 22, 19, 10 and 7.

Here's what I do:
At home until they go to school full time. Then I go to work full time and they get a nanny after school.

When they hit middle school, I scale back to part time (or working from home in the afternoons). The important thing is that around 6th or 7th grade, you're home after school. I kept this up through high school.

[Anonymous]

I like PPs important 15 minutes analysis, but for me it just confirms that staying home is not necessary for our family. Of the 15 minute periods discussed, I hit 3 of them practically every day (before school, at dinner and at bedtime) even though I work full time. My HSer doesn't get home until almost the same time I do because of sports (which are at school so not even anywhere that I could drive her to and get some additional time). As others have said, this is a matter of what works best for your family and also how your kids are doing (I had a colleague for example who left full time intense job when her kids were MS age but because one of her kids was having some big behavioral problems).

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you've gotten a lot of great advice here, but I would caution you away from comparing your situation with those of parents who raised their kids 10+ years ago. It's a rough economy out there, and I'm not convinced it will be much better for job seekers anytime soon. Unless you feel that you'll never need a job again, I would at least stay part-time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say quit now and give some women who needs the money an opportunity, instead of leaning out. This is what gives women a bad name, no man would say these things.

Please go back to your "circle."

It's true. No man WOULD say that.

PP has a point.

With that said, I was out for 2 1/2 years. not my style, not my choice - But I had a difficult situation that I had to handle. When I returned, I went PT. Even the 2 1/2 years out hurt my pay. PT knocked down my pension. I am now FT with both kids in school. I did like PT can can't really justify it now. When my kids were in preschool, it worked out well. not such a useful option now

It did take about 5 years before I actually felt as though I had received an acceptable salary.

can't imagine giving up any part of my salary now, however!

But yes - men don't work this way. The expectation is that they work and not opt out. hard to hear for many women, as we tend to give in and give up instead of trying to change the workforce for the better

So what? We are moms, they are dads. Big difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say quit now and give some women who needs the money an opportunity, instead of leaning out. This is what gives women a bad name, no man would say these things.

Please go back to your "circle."

It's true. No man WOULD say that.

PP has a point.

With that said, I was out for 2 1/2 years. not my style, not my choice - But I had a difficult situation that I had to handle. When I returned, I went PT. Even the 2 1/2 years out hurt my pay. PT knocked down my pension. I am now FT with both kids in school. I did like PT can can't really justify it now. When my kids were in preschool, it worked out well. not such a useful option now

It did take about 5 years before I actually felt as though I had received an acceptable salary.

can't imagine giving up any part of my salary now, however!

But yes - men don't work this way. The expectation is that they work and not opt out. hard to hear for many women, as we tend to give in and give up instead of trying to change the workforce for the better

So what? We are moms, they are dads. Big difference.

There are plenty of SAHDs in this area, too.

[Anonymous]

Kids most benefit from someone home in middle school/ early teen years - if you enjoy your kids, and they like you, you can be a part of their activities in those years (sports practices and games, academic tournaments, theater, etc.). And that's the time in development when a consistent home presence can avert some disasters...IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Highly personal. I loved being at home with DS when he was 0-6. Now he is on school property or engaging in an organized activity (at which I am not present) from 8 a.m. to 5:00 pm most days. Soccer, chess, instruments, math club, student council, etc.

Me personally, I don't see the point of "staying at home" while DS is in another building, by law or by his choice, KWIM? What would be the point for me to sit at home while he is not even here?

To be fair, SAMs don't "sit at home" and wait for DCs to come home. KWIM?

Actually, I did just that for a whole lot of those 9 hours (8-5) ***when zero children were at home.****

No one will ever convince me -- because I lived it, remember -- that it takes 45 hours a week to grocery shop, prep dinner, take the dog to the vet, plant a garden, visit my gym and do a few chores/ errands. Unless someone is wildly crazily inefficient.

Of course I know that a woman need not sit at home while all her kids are gone from 8-5. She might hang out with friends, go to Pilates, get her hair blown out, take tennis lessons, participate in junior league and visit museums. And work on junior league committees that support museums. A steady schedule of these sorts of things would definitely fill many hours.

Are you kidding me? For starters, most schools do not actually take nine hours. The nine hour schedule you describe is probably from you walking your kids to and from the bus stop. A lot of stay-at-home moms drop their kids off and pick them up because it's so much faster than the bus and their kid has more time to do other things with their life then sit on a school bus for an hour every day.

Secondly, you are acting as though kids are in school all day five days a week year-round. Kids are out of school for about 14 weeks a year Saulet (winter spring and summer breaks). In addition to those weeks, are the many many sick days, days off for doctors, orthodontics etc. appointments, holidays like Martin Luther King or Presidents' Day, teacher workdays, and in years like this a whole slew of snow days. Having a designated adult on call for all of those days can be incredibly helpful to the overall stress level of the household.

It seems that you are arguing against something that no one here has said. No one here believes that being a stay-at-home mom is 100% necessary because the life of a family is so incredibly busy and frantic. What people are saying is that being a stay-at-home mom reduces the pressure and stress on an entire family. That is absolutely true.

0P, I agree that going part time when your kid is in middle school is a great option. As someone who worked as a nanny for many years, this is my perspective: kids younger than about 12 need an adult. That adults can be any competent loving and involved caregiver. In the middle and high school however, kids need an adult with whom they have a long-standing relationship. I think the reason that people say your kids need you then more than at other times is not that they need more care, but that they need you as a caregiver more than just a generic nanny/babysitter/aftercare worker. With teenagers, I think they really need someone who knows them personally and individually and that that knowledge and relationship makes a big difference. They are going to be moody and noncommunicative with any caregiver they have at that age, but when it is mom or dad, their caregiver knows them inside and out and has the tools to interpret what it is that is actually going on with them. When it is just a babysitter, coach, afterschool nanny etc. or when they are old enough to stay by themselves for hours at a time, then there is no one around who actually knows them well enough to interpret what's going on underneath their moody teenage cover.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Highly personal. I loved being at home with DS when he was 0-6. Now he is on school property or engaging in an organized activity (at which I am not present) from 8 a.m. to 5:00 pm most days. Soccer, chess, instruments, math club, student council, etc.

Me personally, I don't see the point of "staying at home" while DS is in another building, by law or by his choice, KWIM? What would be the point for me to sit at home while he is not even here?

To be fair, SAMs don't "sit at home" and wait for DCs to come home. KWIM?

Actually, I did just that for a whole lot of those 9 hours (8-5) ***when zero children were at home.****

No one will ever convince me -- because I lived it, remember -- that it takes 45 hours a week to grocery shop, prep dinner, take the dog to the vet, plant a garden, visit my gym and do a few chores/ errands. Unless someone is wildly crazily inefficient.

Of course I know that a woman need not sit at home while all her kids are gone from 8-5. She might hang out with friends, go to Pilates, get her hair blown out, take tennis lessons, participate in junior league and visit museums. And work on junior league committees that support museums. A steady schedule of these sorts of things would definitely fill many hours.

Are you kidding me? For starters, most schools do not actually take nine hours. The nine hour schedule you describe is probably from you walking your kids to and from the bus stop. A lot of stay-at-home moms drop their kids off and pick them up because it's so much faster than the bus and their kid has more time to do other things with their life then sit on a school bus for an hour every day.

Secondly, you are acting as though kids are in school all day five days a week year-round. Kids are out of school for about 14 weeks a year Saulet (winter spring and summer breaks). In addition to those weeks, are the many many sick days, days off for doctors, orthodontics etc. appointments, holidays like Martin Luther King or Presidents' Day, teacher workdays, and in years like this a whole slew of snow days. Having a designated adult on call for all of those days can be incredibly helpful to the overall stress level of the household.

It seems that you are arguing against something that no one here has said. No one here believes that being a stay-at-home mom is 100% necessary because the life of a family is so incredibly busy and frantic. What people are saying is that being a stay-at-home mom reduces the pressure and stress on an entire family. That is absolutely true.

0P, I agree that going part time when your kid is in middle school is a great option. As someone who worked as a nanny for many years, this is my perspective: kids younger than about 12 need an adult. That adults can be any competent loving and involved caregiver. In the middle and high school however, kids need an adult with whom they have a long-standing relationship. I think the reason that people say your kids need you then more than at other times is not that they need more care, but that they need you as a caregiver more than just a generic nanny/babysitter/aftercare worker. With teenagers, I think they really need someone who knows them personally and individually and that that knowledge and relationship makes a big difference. They are going to be moody and noncommunicative with any caregiver they have at that age, but when it is mom or dad, their caregiver knows them inside and out and has the tools to interpret what it is that is actually going on with them. When it is just a babysitter, coach, afterschool nanny etc. or when they are old enough to stay by themselves for hours at a time, then there is no one around who actually knows them well enough to interpret what's going on underneath their moody teenage cover.

I am not kidding you. If you read my first post you would remember I said that 1. It's "highly personal" and 2. My kid is on school property most days 8-5 because of school 8:15 bell to 3:30 bell) then an organized activity such as a sport or math club.

He doesn't want to quit lego robotics club in order to have these deep meaningful middle schooler conversations that some PPs insist are key reasons to be not-at-a-job after last bell. I could see where other Tweens might feel differently though.

[Anonymous]

I would never quit.

I like knowing that if my husband drops dead I can support my family. (think of all the books we read growing up where the mom was single and couldn't earn an equal salary - if you quit work for 5-10 years, you start over again - maybe even behind someone with a fresh education).

My kids see us as a team - equal partners. Or more, if my husband or I loses our job, the family can still go on on one salary.

Again, each family is different. My husband has turned down promotions to keep sane hours. He is the parent who picks up the kids. I'm also not pushing to hard at work. I figured I can start climbing the ladder again in the 45-50 range, when I'm at my peak earning potential - plus my kids are gone and house paid for (I had kids late 20s/barely 3).