Wisdom from Moms of Older Kids- When is the right time?

[Anonymous]

I'm not at this position yet (younger kids), but I will tell you that both my parents worked throughout my childhood. Aftercare in my area was dismal, and after many issues my parents had, my parents pulled me out. My bus would come and I would be a latch key kid. I spent my afternoons and early evenings sitting at home, eating. I was a very large child. And really lonely.

I couldn't do afterschool activities because my parents couldn't pick me up. I had to rely on the bus. When I was in late high school, I could because I had friends with cars, but at that point, I didn't.

I let my situation be the guideline, and I'm definitely cutting back when my kids are in school (probably to part time). I don't want to send them to aftercare, and I want to be available to them for help with homework, preparation of healthy snacks. and to take them to afterschool programs.

I feel like if you have your kids in a great daycare program before they go to school, you don't really need to worry as much. They get everything they need. Once they go to school, daycare becomes essentially glorified babysitting, and they really need more of you.

[Anonymous]

In middle school/high school I was able to walk home from school. In HS I got involved in clubs and other activities. It all gave me a sense of responsibility because I was really coordinating and handling all of this myself - my parents signed the permission forms when/if needed but that was pretty much the extent of their roll...with regard to extra curriculars. Academic grades they were very much aware of...and they helped to set up tutoring a couple of times (which I also got myself to).

At any rate, in my own situation I was o.k. not having a parent at home but I can see how that might be nice, too. Depends on the kid I guess.

[Anonymous]

^Also - teachers were a *big* help in getting me involved in some of the extra curricular type of activities..

[Anonymous]

This is OP. Thank you everyone for the comments and suggests. This is great food for thought and will help me in making the right decision for our family. Keep it coming, I need to hear all sides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a WOHM with 2 kids aged 7 and 4. I am debating quitting my job to be able to spend more time with the kids. I feel like I am missing out so much. In a few years they will grow up and would not need me anymore. I do like my job and the financial stability it brings. I hear people telling me that it is not worth it now as the kids are going to be in school 6 to 7 hours. I should have done it when they were little and at home. I also hear people saying that elementary years are easier and I should wait till they get in middle/ high school to quit as that's when it really matters for the parents to be around after school.

I want to get perspective of parents who have grown up kids. When is it more important for parents to be around- before they start school, elementary age, middle school or high school? If you worked, when do you think it would have made the most sense/ impact to be a SAHM?

OP - Your key words are "I feel like am missing out so much". If you can afford it, do what your heart is telling you. You don't get those years back. I felt the same way and did when my kids were 6,4,&2 and can tell you that I am so happy I did.

In elementary & middle school, I found the after school until bedtime hours so exhausting with after school activities & homework that I often wondered how I would have had the energy had I continued my job. I thought I would go back when they were a little older, but never did because I still wanted to be the one at home when they go home from school (especially in high school, they need to account for the time after school.) I could have probably done something part-time during school 6 hours they are out of the house, but honestly I need that time to take care of everything else and keep my life sane.

[Anonymous]

OP - I forgot to mention the negative was that the roles DH and I had slowly shifted so that I now handle everything at home and with the kids. It works for us and allows him to put more focus on his career.

[Anonymous]

I work part-time for myself, and this allows me to pick my elementary school aged child up when school is over. I was SAH DC's first year then gradually ramped up my company which is currently 6 years old and I am choosing not to grow it right now.

DC is young, but I intend to keep this up throughout the school years because having been someone who got into trouble around age 11-13 when no one was home, I get that this is crucial. We seem to be on track to make that happen, so I want to make that afternoon-availability happen.

The challenge with part-time work, especially when you work for yourself, is that it often spirals out of control and you find yourself doing more after 3pm than you intended to because you are technically always "on." I try to sidestep that, and I have some ideas about how to control it as the years creep into middle school territory, but it's a challenge that is in the back of my mind.

I would say work NOW on trying to cultivate a business you can do on your own when you want as your kid's age. Bonus if you are able to grow it freely after they go to college. Or, you can find part-time work that you can leave daily at 2 or 3 and leave on your desk. That works well, but can be hard to find!

[Anonymous]

I was a working mom, always longing to stay at home with the kids, it looked like all the SAHMs had it made, with the volunteering and mornings at starbucks, afternoons on the soccer field, etc. Then my husband pulled a number on me, out of the blue, and I ended up divorced. Boy or boy did the SAHMS come out of the closet to tell me about the loveless marriages they were in, but couldnt't leave, because of their years at home out of the workforce, and how they suck it up since they have no econimic future. I moved on, and I feel lucky now.

[Anonymous]

http://www.dailyworth.com/posts/2525-a-case-against-stay-at-home-parenting

[Anonymous]

Sah makes you dumb. I am glad my mom worked ft and told me the interesting people she met at work as a doctor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Empty nester here. My advice in a nutshell: stay home as long as you possibly can. Yes, through high school if possible. It matters to the kids ALOT. In subtle and more obvious ways. They won't thank you while they are home, but will thank you later. You don't get those years back.

Another mom of older kids here - One graduated from college last year. Three in college. Our youngest is a high school junior. I've been at home since the first one was born 24 years ago. I went back very part-time when my youngest started middle school.

They need you at home at every age, but in some ways those teen age years are the most critical. Mine have expressed many times how much they appreciated having mom at home. One if them mentioned it in a speech a couple of months ago.

Another at home with the kids. It's a tradeoff. On my death bed I'll be glad I spent this time with my kids, and won't regret not earning more money not spending more time in an office. Too many of my kids' classmates in two-career homes are in therapy.

[Anonymous]

Not Op but great thread. I have asked this question a lot lately. The different perspectives are helpful.

[Anonymous]

I enjoy working full time but both DH and I have flexible schedules. Both kids are in school and do activities so if you can swing a flexible schedule, we don't rely on childcare very much and it works out. My beef with women quitting is that it is assumed that the person who needs to be involved is the mom and that is NOT the model I want for my family. My husband takes on just as many sick days, appointments etc. as me, he also volunteers at their school and is coaching/has coached multiple teams for both of them. I don't see that happening nearly as much as families where the mom stays home. It may exist, just saying I don't see it. I actually don't just think it's just bad for the kids, I think it does a number on the dads as well and don't think it's healthy or fulfulling.

My two cents: stay in the workforce and see if you can scale back or get a flexible schedule, and continually evaluate to ensure your husband is happy as well. I feel like women have the luxury of making these decisions and men just don't, and I like I said, I think it's really harmful.

[Anonymous]

I've been a SAHM since my first was born and my husband has absolutely been an involved father to our kids. He's gone on field trips, volunteered in the classroom as well as with extra curricular activities. We both have done that.

Since we have boys it has been particularly important for our kids to see their Dad as an involved parent, too.

[Anonymous]

Why would you wait so late in life to have children then turn them over to someone else to raise? Think about how much time you really spend with your children if you work full time at any age...