Father intruding on babysitter's time with kids right now. What to do?

[Anonymous]

OP here:

It is Saturday. Yes, there have been intimidation issues in the past. He is built like a linebacker and doesn't have to do much to let you know he's in charge. He uses silence a lot and it's much more effective than you might think at unsettling people.

The children see so little of him, they never refer to him as Daddy. My children are very friendly and known throughout the urban neighborhood in which we live. Everyone knows who they are. The children would wave and welcome even people they don't know. They didn't speak, evidently, my ex-husband just handed my son his iPad and he started playing Angry Birds. He could have been anyone.

I never told him where they would be, but our schedules are pretty predictable. Saturday would mean lunch out either before or after library time. Kids thrive on stability and that's what I strive to give them.

My ex-husband believes that being their biological father gives him all rights to access. It is not out of the question that he could have walk away with our younger one without a word.

To the PP who said "poor babysitter," no kidding.

14:26, in light of his past aggressive behavior (e.g. at least one prior domestic police call; being barred from our youngest's school), this is hardly a "fuss." Belittling the fears of a woman, a mother, who has faced frightening situations in the past is incredibly unkind. I think you're blessed not to have a clue what it must feel like.

I'm scared to call the police because they'll ask if he has a weapon, when he IS the weapon. I'm scared because of the retribution and feigned innocence.

If "gaslighting" isn't the right word, "crazy-making" sure is.

[Anonymous]

OP, on a side note, you really need to teach your kids about stranger danger. I'd be horrified to know my kid was so easily placated by an iPad from a man he kind of recognized.

[Anonymous]

I'm the one who wrote" Poor babysitter".

My son when he was young would have followed anyone anywhere. he grew out of it by 5 or 6.

I'm so sorry, OP, you are going through this.
Can your lawyer give you some insight into what you can or can not do? If it is not the father's visiting day, are you allowed to call the police and have him removed from wherever the kids are under grounds of... what? I assume getting a restraining order with his history would be a little bit of a stretch?
The babysitter has to learn to recognize him and look at him straight in the eye.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP, why do you write in the 3rd person?

Where are you? Why aren't you going to get the kids?

[Anonymous]

What he did is creepy, but there is nothing illegal about it. Public place, he sees his kids with someone other than their mother and he plays with them. Yes, you have a history with him, but you need to separate history from present. More importantly, if you are actually worried, why didn't you go get the kids?

[Anonymous]

If she was texting and was in a public place (like it sounds like she was) you should have texted her "call me right now and hand the phone to him". Then you take it up with your ex and tell him to get the hell away because he's creeping out the sitter.

[Anonymous]

It is still really hard to tell what happened or what the issue was. Can't tell if you are overreacting or underreacting because you seem to want to be vague and practice your creative writing skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she was texting and was in a public place (like it sounds like she was) you should have texted her "call me right now and hand the phone to him". Then you take it up with your ex and tell him to get the hell away because he's creeping out the sitter.

This. I mean WTF you didn't talk to him? You didn't talk to the kids? You didn't drive there to see what was going on?!? Jesus you both sound like you need some parenting classes.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Does he live in the same neighborhood? You sound really intimidated by him. I'm not following what your expectations are. If he sees the children in public, what should he do? If you had a better relationship, you would think it odd that he see his children and not visit with them a bit.

I think the idea of calling the police is outrageous. This is a public place. I agree that you should speak to your lawyer, OP.

[Anonymous]

I'd talk to your lawyer too. Switch up routines more, but it sounds like he probably followed them. Give your babysitter a copy of custody papers next time in case there is police involvement (ie he tries to take the kids on your time).

[Anonymous]

Why would they not call him daddy? How old are the kids? What do they call him? This is such a weird post. What happened?

[Anonymous]

[Assuming the children are old enough to speak and OP has described the situation accurately], I'd consider the ex-husband's behavior very aggressive and threatening.

"Friendly" or "normal" behavior would be to stop by, introduce himself to the babysitter, chat with the kids a tiny bit, and then excuse himself with "OK, kids, see you tomorrow! Have a nice day! Nice to meet you, Babysitter!"

It is quite aggressive to behave as he did--not conversing, and not acceding to the babysitter's request to leave them alone. Creepy!

+1 to suggestion that OP consult lawyer to record this episode and to see if expectations can be clarified about these sorts of situations, which are bound to occur again as long as you are living in the same neighborhood.

All the more important to get things ironed out well before the children are of an age that they might go places on their own!

[Anonymous]

Hope everything turned out OK, OP.

[Anonymous]

I just don't get it. Interfering with the kid's time with the babysitter???? Which is somehow precious?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just don't get it. Interfering with the kid's time with the babysitter???? Which is somehow precious?

The guy is aggressive and has a history of domestic incidents. He's been banned from one child's school. He doesn't have custody, only visitation. I wouldn't want him near my kids without me there, either.