Keeping up with your family

[Anonymous]

When someone figured out, that although I live in a nice area, it is not nearly as affluent as where I grew up, I said, "yeah, I'm downwardly mobile".

But dealing with acquaintances can be easier than with family -which come with their own jealousies/issues. I have a brother who insists that you can't live in the DC area on less than $XXX amount. He will say this at length in front of us. He knows my husbands salary. He knows it's below this "stated" figure. I guess he's being rude and it's intentional, mostly I find it odd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH comes from an upper middle class to wealthy family in DC. We've felt a little bit (even subconsciously) like we had to maintain the lifestyle in which he grew up. We also wanted to, but it's getting tougher and tougher and I feel like it's keeping "up with the jone's' but instead of the jone's it's his background and family. The result is feeling like we can only live in certain neighborhoods (NW Dc and close in MC) must continue sending kids to private school, be members of the country club etc. If we had more money I wouldn't mind so much but our budget is too tight.

Anybody else in this situation? I don't need to hear about how dumb it is to feel this way and how I shouldn't worry what others think. I'd love to hear from people who have experienced this and whether they bucked the system or just went along with it.

It can be very hard, especially if you are from this area. That "government housing" neighborhood now costs $1.4M. The beach home the same. This area has gotten MUCH more wealthy and expensive. Private school matches NYC in cost, ect ect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me the key to coming to terms with my poverty relative to my family was finding my own peer group. I'm not a country club person - husband and I are both teachers and our friends are non profit types, artists, web designers, social workers, ministers, yoga teachers, etc. All of our friends (besides one or two lawyers) are in the same $100-150-maybe 200k-ish income. The existence of this smart, creative, not super highly-paid community is one of the things I love most about DC!

Where do you live? I want to live there.

[Anonymous]

Yes, the one income, private schools, country club is much harder to attain these days. It's not like it used to be. And that makes me sad because I would hate that trend to pass to my kids. I want them to have it even better than our parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, the one income, private schools, country club is much harder to attain these days. It's not like it used to be. And that makes me sad because I would hate that trend to pass to my kids. I want them to have it even better than our parents.

I don't care so much about the one income, I like working, but I generally agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me the key to coming to terms with my poverty relative to my family was finding my own peer group. I'm not a country club person - husband and I are both teachers and our friends are non profit types, artists, web designers, social workers, ministers, yoga teachers, etc. All of our friends (besides one or two lawyers) are in the same $100-150-maybe 200k-ish income. The existence of this smart, creative, not super highly-paid community is one of the things I love most about DC!

Where do you live? I want to live there.

+2

Silver Spring 20910

[Anonymous]

I grew up in Bethesda and now living in Silver Spring after getting married - not happy about where we live and the schools my son will have to attend. Yes, SS has gotten better but it is no Bethesda. My mom can't believe we live here but Bethesda is not in the cards for us. At least for the next several years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH comes from an upper middle class to wealthy family in DC. We've felt a little bit (even subconsciously) like we had to maintain the lifestyle in which he grew up. We also wanted to, but it's getting tougher and tougher and I feel like it's keeping "up with the jone's' but instead of the jone's it's his background and family. The result is feeling like we can only live in certain neighborhoods (NW Dc and close in MC) must continue sending kids to private school, be members of the country club etc. If we had more money I wouldn't mind so much but our budget is too tight.

Anybody else in this situation? I don't need to hear about how dumb it is to feel this way and how I shouldn't worry what others think. I'd love to hear from people who have experienced this and whether they bucked the system or just went along with it.

OP, everyone I know (including myself) in this situation is split halfway between bucking the system and going along with it. We've all cut back in some ways from what our parents had/did, but we're stretched farther than they were, or we're saving less.

I see some couples doing a better job of budgeting/living sustainably than others.

[Anonymous]

Just curious OP but do you have more kids than your husband's parents did? Was your husband an only child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just curious OP but do you have more kids than your husband's parents did? Was your husband an only child?

No we have the same number. Also, DHs siblings are both extremely financially successful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH comes from an upper middle class to wealthy family in DC. We've felt a little bit (even subconsciously) like we had to maintain the lifestyle in which he grew up. We also wanted to, but it's getting tougher and tougher and I feel like it's keeping "up with the jone's' but instead of the jone's it's his background and family. The result is feeling like we can only live in certain neighborhoods (NW Dc and close in MC) must continue sending kids to private school, be members of the country club etc. If we had more money I wouldn't mind so much but our budget is too tight.

Anybody else in this situation? I don't need to hear about how dumb it is to feel this way and how I shouldn't worry what others think. I'd love to hear from people who have experienced this and whether they bucked the system or just went along with it.

OP, I would much prefer to sleep well at night rather than living beyond my means by trying to keep up with the Joneses. Do you think the Joneses are going to bail you out if you get in over your head? And, I am talking about the Joneses in DHs family. Actually, I think it is more your insecurity than anyone looking down on you. Also, I always say "Things are not always as they appear" even in our own families. I had an uncle who was a prominent physician with a pretentious wife and four kids, and they lived in upscale neighborhoods, took luxurious vacations, wore the latest fashions, drove a big SUV. And, guess what? They were drowning in debt and robbing Peter to pay Paul. So, you need not concern yourself with the lifestyles of the rich and famous or wannabe rich and famous and focus on the lifestyle that is comfortable for you and DH.

So you haven't experienced this?

I ignore it and try to live a sustainable life. When I see contemporaries with kids in Big 3 schools and going on vacation in Qatar and I can't figure out what the husband really does for work and wife has a mid-level management job in a corporation, I just ignore them. Either they have some secret stash of millions, family money or are doing something illegal and haven't gotten caught yet. I can't worry about these people. I can only live my life.

[Anonymous]

OP,

My mother told me I had ruined my life by marrying DH, who is a physician working in cancer research. Probably the least paid profession for the amount of study!

We do not keep up with our families because we cannot afford to.
Thankfully, my ILs (DH's parents and siblings) are charming people who never flaunt their wealth in front of us.
I wish my parents could value DH's contributions to science instead of lamenting the "poor" life we are living.
They also do not realize AT ALL how even with a similar position to my father's, our disposable income would still be lower. Several of my friends complain of the same problem with their own families - it's a sign of the times.

Limit contact, and learn to appreciate what you have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

My mother told me I had ruined my life by marrying DH, who is a physician working in cancer research. Probably the least paid profession for the amount of study!

We do not keep up with our families because we cannot afford to.
Thankfully, my ILs (DH's parents and siblings) are charming people who never flaunt their wealth in front of us.
I wish my parents could value DH's contributions to science instead of lamenting the "poor" life we are living.
They also do not realize AT ALL how even with a similar position to my father's, our disposable income would still be lower. Several of my friends complain of the same problem with their own families - it's a sign of the times.

Limit contact, and learn to appreciate what you have.

Your mom was sad because you married a doctor? Did she want you to marry a drug dealer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in Bethesda and now living in Silver Spring after getting married - not happy about where we live and the schools my son will have to attend. Yes, SS has gotten better but it is no Bethesda. My mom can't believe we live here but Bethesda is not in the cards for us. At least for the next several years.

And thank goodness for that.

LMAO about your mom. She must be a pearl-clutcher.

[Anonymous]

The reason that Elizabeth Warren became famous initially is that she and her daughter wrote a book, "The Two-Income Trap". In it, they point out that relative prices have changed. Clothes, toys, food, etc. are all much cheaper in real terms and consume a much smaller share of the family's budget. The cost of housing, however, especially in a "good" school district has skyrocketed. The costs of healthcare, college, and childcare have also risen relative to the average family income.