Keeping up with your family
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Anonymous
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My DH comes from an upper middle class to wealthy family in DC. We've felt a little bit (even subconsciously) like we had to maintain the lifestyle in which he grew up. We also wanted to, but it's getting tougher and tougher and I feel like it's keeping "up with the jone's' but instead of the jone's it's his background and family. The result is feeling like we can only live in certain neighborhoods (NW Dc and close in MC) must continue sending kids to private school, be members of the country club etc. If we had more money I wouldn't mind so much but our budget is too tight.
Anybody else in this situation? I don't need to hear about how dumb it is to feel this way and how I shouldn't worry what others think. I'd love to hear from people who have experienced this and whether they bucked the system or just went along with it. |
Anonymous
OP, I would much prefer to sleep well at night rather than living beyond my means by trying to keep up with the Joneses. Do you think the Joneses are going to bail you out if you get in over your head? And, I am talking about the Joneses in DHs family. Actually, I think it is more your insecurity than anyone looking down on you. Also, I always say "Things are not always as they appear" even in our own families. I had an uncle who was a prominent physician with a pretentious wife and four kids, and they lived in upscale neighborhoods, took luxurious vacations, wore the latest fashions, drove a big SUV. And, guess what? They were drowning in debt and robbing Peter to pay Paul. So, you need not concern yourself with the lifestyles of the rich and famous or wannabe rich and famous and focus on the lifestyle that is comfortable for you and DH. |
Anonymous
So you haven't experienced this? |
Anonymous
| This is extremely common. A lot of us do not have the type of jobs our parents had in the 70s, 80s, and 90s, nor do we have the benefits they came with. The result is even though our education and "background" lead the previous generation into a certain lifestyle it does not for us. Less take home equals less extras. Accept it, adapt to it, move on! |
Anonymous
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Well, I haven't experienced but I watch a good friend go through this everyday.
It's her family too though so it's doubly bad. Her DH just can't accept that they are not as well off as his parents were and despite overwhelming debts and lack of cash he still insists on private school for their 3 kids, expensive sports camps each summer and very nice vacations. I have watched my friend literally gripped by panic attacks as she pays for lunch or coffee because she just isn't sure her credit card is going to be declined. It's sad but I don't think she wants to give up the pretense of the good life either so she just deals with it the best she can. What I can see is going to get even worse is when her kids get to college and they are nearing retirement. Her DH |
Anonymous
| OP, I'm not in your shoes financially, but my parents were upper middle in the mid-west. We're middle to upper middle nationally, but in DC feel like we're scraping money together to fund retirement and set something aside for college. My parents house was three times bigger than ours. Once my mom came to visit and she was like how can you live in such a small house? I think that's fairly common for those of us who were raised in other states during more flush times to feel this way. |
Anonymous
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You and your DH need to have an honest conversation about this. Figure out a comfortable budget and live within it. If he is 100% certain that there will be a large inheritance, maybe you can continue keeping up with the in-laws. But what if there isn't for some reason?
A lot of the trappings of upper class lifestyle (second homes, country club memberships, vacations, certain vehicles) have become more expensive in constant dollars, I think. The distance between the top 1% and the rest has become vaster. And there are a lot of smaller items eating into the disposable income, too. My parents had a second home, a sailboat, an airplane, and two kids in private school on one income. We have two incomes and one kid in private school, and none of the rest. We save for retirement and are able to take a spring break trip every year, but after mortgage, utilities, tuition, etc, that pretty much taps out the take-home income. I'm not crying poor by any means, but I don't feel comfortable keeping up with some of my cousins or the other families at DC's school, as I have a long life ahead and don't want to be scrimping in my 80s and 90s. Or working much past 50. |
Anonymous
Yup. I grew up in a nice NW DC house, private schools, etc. My parents are frugal so we didn't have lavish things like cc country club memberships and trips to aspen, but we had a great house in a nice neighborhood and economic security. I cannot replicate that. Part of it is my career is not as successful, but even so the other is that all of that just costs more today. I will not be able to live in the neighborhood I grew up in or send kids to the schools I went to. It makes me sad even though rationally I know I should just move on and not think about it. |
Anonymous
How old are you? You want to retire around 50? I'm 51 now and I can't imagine retiring. I could see working until 65. |
Anonymous
I'm late 40s and am counting the days until I can stop working fulltime. (Probably in the next 2-3 years.) |
Anonymous
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^^ oops, sorry, I'm not PP.
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Anonymous
| Sounds like a bad situation. My friends and I are experiencing the opposite. We are mostly immigrants and our parents came here with nothing (financially). We are now all doing much much better than they did because we studied in the U.S. and we are fluent in English. I am so grateful to be in this wonderful country. |
Anonymous
| For me, this ship has long sailed. Grew up in the midwest - dad was a doctor, mom stayed home - we had all the money in the world. Best private schools, country club, second and third home, travel, etc. My sister and brother are both wealthy as well. I on the other hand married a hs teacher! Together we make about 1/6 of my dad's annual income. But you know what? Family of origin was unhappy, dad died but even today mom remains miserable hoarding her millions. We're happy as clams in our little house with our little family, working away and loving our kids. Money is nice, for sure, but it brings its own problems as well. |
Anonymous
| For me the key to coming to terms with my poverty relative to my family was finding my own peer group. I'm not a country club person - husband and I are both teachers and our friends are non profit types, artists, web designers, social workers, ministers, yoga teachers, etc. All of our friends (besides one or two lawyers) are in the same $100-150-maybe 200k-ish income. The existence of this smart, creative, not super highly-paid community is one of the things I love most about DC! |
Anonymous
| Unfortunately because we have gone the private school, country club, expensive neighborhood route, most of our friends are pretty wealthy so we always feel poor compared to them. We also are scrimping to keep up so often we can't do what they do (out to dinner, nice vacations, fancy cars) and it makes us feel lesser. |