New baby, Vegas and strip clubs

[Anonymous]

Your sisters fiancé???

That puts it in an entirely different framework. My DH would think it was a pain in the @ss to go to this type of event - even in the best of times - and would probably only do it because he felt obligated to *me* to do so. Are your DH and BIL close? If not, this sounds like DH just wants to get out of the house, sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for your responses. Yes, it was planned, but i didn't know about the strip club part of it until last night, even though he has known the whole time. It is not his brother, it is my sisters fiance. And, upon finding out about the strip club, I told him how it made me feel. I told him that I felt horrible about my body and that it made me jealous (and I am the least jealous person ever) and sad. I was very honest. He's still going. The reason I posted on here was to question the validity of my feelings? Knowing all of these things, is it valid to be so sad about this? I feel like I can't breathe.

So, learning about the strip club was basically the last straw in crossing this from acceptable to unacceptable?

Honestly, I think it's more about him not being gone at such a rough time (and you going back to work and starting the baby in daycare is a really bad time). For his brother, that would be one thing, but for your sister's fiancee, I don't see much point unless they are really close.

Have you just stated clearly: "Honey, this is just such a rough time. It's not even about the strip club, it's just that I want you here and want your support. I didn't realize how hard this would be when I agreed for you to go."

[Anonymous]

OP, I totally get why this is upsetting to you, and harder for you to take right now that it would have been at any other time in your relationship (or possibly would be for you in the future.)

Now is a time when your life has been turned upside down, you're not feeling like yourself physically again yet, everything is changed, you're stressed out and not getting enough sleep and facing returning to work, etc...

I get it.

What you could keep in mind though, is that your husband isn't choosing to go to a strip club because he isn't attracted to you. He isn't choosing to go to a strip club because he's unhappy at home. He isn't choosing to go to a strip club as any kind of statement on your marriage, your attractiveness, his feelings about you or your life together etc... Nothing about him going to the strip club, in his head or even in actual fact, has anything to do with you. He's going because it's part of the bachelor party stuff. That's all. That's the only reason he's going to Vegas, that's the only reason he's leaving you at all, etc...

I don't love strip clubs. And I don't love bachelor parties that are driven by mandatory strip club activity. But I love and trust my husband and don't want to embarrass him or make anything seem more important in the big picture than it actually is. So he's done these things (and had them done for him at his bachelor party) on rare occasion and I live with it.

Anyway, I'm not sure this is rambling, but I think you need honor your feelings (and try to find a way to help your husband understand what you're feeling and let him reassure you) while also honoring who you were before the baby and who you're likely to be again when you regain your equilibrium. You sound like you're pretty secure in your own skin (and marriage) most of the time. That will return, I promise. You are in the weeds of post-partum realities and newborn challenges right now. You won't always feel like this.

Hang in there. Good luck with the return to work. Trust that a year from now you will have a handle on things and the rockiness of these first few weeks will have largely faded into the past.

And congrats on your baby!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for your responses. Yes, it was planned, but i didn't know about the strip club part of it until last night, even though he has known the whole time. It is not his brother, it is my sisters fiance. And, upon finding out about the strip club, I told him how it made me feel. I told him that I felt horrible about my body and that it made me jealous (and I am the least jealous person ever) and sad. I was very honest. He's still going. The reason I posted on here was to question the validity of my feelings? Knowing all of these things, is it valid to be so sad about this? I feel like I can't breathe.

I would be sad too. Around 11 weeks old with the end of maternity leave literally LOOMING, i was frequently sad anyone. Being alone while DH partied it up in vegas with strippers would have definitely left me in a funk. Try to be nice to yourself while he's gone. For me that means thai food delivery and magnum ice cream bars. and not cleaning!

[Anonymous]

*anyway not anyone

[Anonymous]

Man here. I couldn't set foot in a strip club after I had daughters. Just saying.

[Anonymous]

I don't think the fact that its "sister's fiance" instead of "brother" changes things for me. OP, I think in the long run you will be glad that DH had a bonding experience with your sister's fiance and that your family is closer because of it. Your feelings are valid but I think you should let him go, make sure not to make him feel guilty about it, and do something nice for yourself when he's gone.

To the PP who thinks DH was intentionally hiding the strip club, I think you're reading too much into things. I don't think failing to explicitly state "I am going to the bachelor party of a 25 year old male who has chosen to have his bachelor party in Vegas and therefore there may be a trip to a strip club" comes close to a cover up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I totally get why this is upsetting to you, and harder for you to take right now that it would have been at any other time in your relationship (or possibly would be for you in the future.)

Now is a time when your life has been turned upside down, you're not feeling like yourself physically again yet, everything is changed, you're stressed out and not getting enough sleep and facing returning to work, etc...

I get it.

What you could keep in mind though, is that your husband isn't choosing to go to a strip club because he isn't attracted to you. He isn't choosing to go to a strip club because he's unhappy at home. He isn't choosing to go to a strip club as any kind of statement on your marriage, your attractiveness, his feelings about you or your life together etc... Nothing about him going to the strip club, in his head or even in actual fact, has anything to do with you. He's going because it's part of the bachelor party stuff. That's all. That's the only reason he's going to Vegas, that's the only reason he's leaving you at all, etc...

I don't love strip clubs. And I don't love bachelor parties that are driven by mandatory strip club activity. But I love and trust my husband and don't want to embarrass him or make anything seem more important in the big picture than it actually is. So he's done these things (and had them done for him at his bachelor party) on rare occasion and I live with it.

Anyway, I'm not sure this is rambling, but I think you need honor your feelings (and try to find a way to help your husband understand what you're feeling and let him reassure you) while also honoring who you were before the baby and who you're likely to be again when you regain your equilibrium. You sound like you're pretty secure in your own skin (and marriage) most of the time. That will return, I promise. You are in the weeds of post-partum realities and newborn challenges right now. You won't always feel like this.

Hang in there. Good luck with the return to work. Trust that a year from now you will have a handle on things and the rockiness of these first few weeks will have largely faded into the past.

And congrats on your baby!!

I think this is really kind and wonderful advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man here. I couldn't set foot in a strip club after I had daughters. Just saying.

I think this could be a nice, enlightened sentiment except that in my experience the guys I know who take this position also tend to be the fathers who freak out when their daughter goes out on a date but don't blink at their sons being players.

[Anonymous]

Having been to strip clubs together previously as a couple, I can see how this sudden change of heart would be confusing for your husband.

[Anonymous]

I would tell DH he is free to go to Vegas but he'll have to take the baby with him.

[Anonymous]

OP here. 10:35, you are brilliant and I wish you were my best friend, or neighbor or sister! Regardless, thank you for your beautiful insight. Makes sense. I'm just not able to see it for myself.

13:41 made me smile

We also have a seven year old daughter so it's not like I haven't been through this before but for some reason this time it is much, much harder. Thanks for your perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. 10:35, you are brilliant and I wish you were my best friend, or neighbor or sister! Regardless, thank you for your beautiful insight. Makes sense. I'm just not able to see it for myself.

13:41 made me smile

We also have a seven year old daughter so it's not like I haven't been through this before but for some reason this time it is much, much harder. Thanks for your perspective.

OP - 10:35 here. I'm not brilliant (but thank you ) I've just been through this and am still finding my own sea legs after having kids turned my world (and body) inside out. And even though this isn't your first child 7 years is a long time. Mother Nature and sleep deprivation ensure that we forget a lot of the specific serious challenges of having babies! Not to mention that you're 7 years older so your body might not bounce back quite the same way, and you have another child so you can't be all about yourself and the baby, and I'd bet that your husband didn't have a bachelor party to go to, strip club and all, the weekend before you were returning to work w/ a 3 mth old.

Go easy on yourself. If we were neighbors I'd invite you all over for the night he's at the strip club.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have an 11 week old daughter at home and my husband (35) is leaving Friday morning to attend the bachelor party for my brother in law (25) in Vegas with all my brother in laws friends, who are also 25. I am starting back at work on Monday and leaving our newborn for the first time. I happened to be on his phone when I saw a text about their plans to spend all night at a strip club with table service, limo etc. I just find the whole situation so sad and inappropriate. I am not against strip clubs and we have gone, as a couple, many times. This just feels different and really inappropriate. Am I wrong to be upset? Thoughts? My husband thinks that I shouldn't be bothered by it.

Your husband doesn't get to opine on how you "should" feel. You feel however you feel. It is up to him whether he does anything in response to those feelings.

I would be bothered by it too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn't about OP being honest. She can be as honest or open as she wants, but her husband is not going to skip his own brother's bachelor party.

OP, your feelings and concerns are legitimate, but you need to understand that DH attending this event is about neither you nor DH. It is about his brother. Would you seriously consider skipping out on your sibling's wedding event if your DH felt self-conscious about one of the activities? And would you even want to be married to someone who cares little enough about his siblings to agree to back out of this?

Of course he can skip it. It is not a wedding. It is a bachelor party.