Is this a normal thing for DH to say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why should one spouse have to do everything?

Spouse left toilet seat cover up? If it bothers you, you put it down.
Spouse left door open and unlocked? If if bothers you, you close and lock it.
Spouse leaves dishes in the sink? If it bothers you, you wash them.
Spouse leaves dirty clothes on floor? If it bothers you, you wash them?

Bathroom dirty? If it bothers you, you clean it.
Nothing for dinner? If it bothers you, you cook.
Kid is screaming? If it bothers you, you tend to their needs.

He worked all day. But so did you.
It doesn't bother him. He doesn't see the need for it to be done. So he gets to play on I pad and you get to do everything.
Otherwise, you are a controlling bitch?
According to DCUM, apparently, yes.

Sheesh.

The issue here, like with 95% of the posts on this forum, is that it's incredibly apparent that there is another side to the story that is not being told. DH's comment wasn't pulled out of thin air. He has some reason, in his own mind, why her request is reasonable.

I agree with you that we shouldn't assume his reason is valid and OP is a harpy. But we also shouldn't assume the entire story is "DH does no work and makes nasty comments when asked to pitch in." Strong reactions on either side seem kind of silly. The real answer is "OP we can't possibly say whether DH is actually being unreasonable or is just being slightly curt without knowing much more about your relationship and probably getting your husband's side if the story in his own words."

[Anonymous]

Marriage is about compromise and meeting each other halfway.

I agree that OP comes off as controlling. She is telling what chores for her husband to do like he was a child. She should sit down with a to do list. Perhaps he would want to do some projects if he had a choice or you can budget for a handyman and a maid to get things off the list. Sometimes paying for things like that is well worth the money to keep your sanity.

If he spends 5 hours per night on an iPad, perhaps have a separate discussion about that. He needs to unwind but he should probably limit his iPad/TV/Video Game time so he doesn't isolate himself from family activities and your relationship as a couple.

[Anonymous]

OP, I can see both sides. One person's priority, especially with household things, is not another's. Those differences call for compromises. There might be things he wants you to do that you don't see the need to do, so you refuse. Or maybe you do them because it makes him happy. (Like blowjobs.) In the happiest marriages, both people do some things for the other, even though they don't see the need, but because it makes the other happy. Now, if you are asking or demanding too many things, you need to scale it back and handle those things yourself. Unless he's pestering you for nightly blowjobs, of course, in which case he should, without complaint, remove every valance, scrub every shower door, and paint every vent in the house.

Now, if he pretty much never does anything, sees no need to do anything, and spends all his home time on the computer, then you have my husband's twin. And I commiserate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, OP. Coming from my point of view -- I'm a woman for what it's worth -- I don't see the need to paint the vent cover to match the wall. I don't get it.

Also, I work full time. When I come home, I don't want to scrub showers, I don't want to remove valances. If these things truly bother you, why don't YOU do them? I don't understand that.

Yes, in your defense, his response is insensitive. It's not how he should phrase his feelings. He should say something like "Honey, I'm tired, I'll get to it another time." But he's honest instead. He says he doesn't think it needs doing.

Is this really about a shower door? You sound terribly controlling? Hire a damn handyman.

+ a zillion

I knew it would be 3 seconds before a nasty DCUM poster got on here and told OP to suck it up. You know what? Her husband should get off the couch, forego an hour on the iPad, and change the damn vent cover. Why? Because its the loving thing to do. Maybe he thinks it's ridiculous, but marriage is about sacrifice and love. I'm sure OP does things he wants even though she'd prefer to watch an extra hour of tv.

I feel very, very sorry for the man in your life. maybe, more husbands will get off the couch if more hags like yourself shut up and stop nagging.

ever stop and think there's more to this than what OP is posting.....hmmmm, nope, didn't think you had the wherewithal to do that.

[Anonymous]

Painted vent covers look stupid.

[Anonymous]

I do not know if it is normal but the issue is not always that simple. I am that way about things in the yard. My DH will say something like "the lawn needs to be aerated" or "the deck needs to be washed and stained." I look at him blankly and say "it looks fine to me." He KNOWS that means that I am not helping with the lawn or the deck. No hard feelings about it - he just goes ahead and does it. There are things in the house where things are reversed. Nothing that communication and priority setting cannot fix.

[Anonymous]

Do it yourself. Those are easy. Not worth getting your panties in a knot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As long as he's OK with you doing the same thing. So if you're not hungry, no need to cook dinner, even if he wants it. If you don't think his laundry needs to be done, then there it sits. If his suit needs to be picked up at the dry cleaners, no need for you to do it.

+1

If he doesn't want to paint a vent or remove a valance, hire a handyman for a couple hours. Hire a maid for a deep clean. If he'd rather you pay for the service than him help at the house, so be it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As long as he's OK with you doing the same thing. So if you're not hungry, no need to cook dinner, even if he wants it. If you don't think his laundry needs to be done, then there it sits. If his suit needs to be picked up at the dry cleaners, no need for you to do it.

Who says she doesn't do the same thing? We are hearing her side of the story...not his. Does she help in the yard? Are there chores that he does that she won't do? And if you are comparing laundry and cooking (which HAVE to be done) to painting a vent cover (which is something the OP WANTS) - then I really can't give any worthwhile advice - you won't hear it anyways.

[Anonymous]

It is immature and suggests that he does not think of himself as a marriage partner/team FamilyName.

[Anonymous]

I would like to hear his side of the story as well. Maybe OP is the type of person who critiques her husband every time he does something because she doesn't think it is up to her standards. Not going to pass judgement on her husband until I hear his side of the story.

Maybe you can figure out what he does care about (food/laundry/etc) and he can take over that stuff and you can do the things you care about.

[Anonymous]

Does OP work outside the home?

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PP who said "normal" isn't useful here. I also think we're missing context (the other side of the story).

Yes, marriage is a compromise, and yes, you have to make an effort to do things for your SO you might not do for yourself - the whole point of getting married is to have a mutually beneficial partnership, not a roomate.

Still, the husband's response might be totally valid, particuarly if his wife regularly has pretty OCD intense demands - for example, in the case of a neat/clean-freak married to a more slovenly person - you, as the neat/clean freak, know going in that the other person just doesn't care as much about this issue as you do - you can't expect them to change for you and take on your obsessions.

Of course, she might not be a controlling OCD-ish nag - painting a radiator/vent cover and taking down a valence don't sound quite like bitching about the dishes in the sink to me. I dunno, DH's response has enough "bugger off" in it to suggest to me there's something going on here and this "fight" is a proxy for bigger issues. Or he's just being a jerk; my money is on there being other issues and wife not telling us the whole story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is immature and suggests that he does not think of himself as a marriage partner/team FamilyName.

You got all that from the OP's post and her one-sided story? LOL!

[Anonymous]

Vent and valence - OP could do that herself.

Soap scum on the shower door - If OP's husband uses the shower, he should help with keeping it clean.

Calm down, people.