Is this a normal thing for DH to say?

[Anonymous]

My husband said "I don't think it needs to be done, so I don't have to do it."

This is in relation to a couple things I asked him to do around the house. Not large things, and not all at once. Painting a vent cover to match the wall. Removing a valance the past owner put up. Scrubbing the glass shower stalls of caked on soap scum. He spends 5+ hours on his iPad every night after work, it'd be nice to carve out just an hour for some kind of household project. Instead, he never thinks anything needs to be done which absolves him of any responsibilities while I slave away. I dont mind doing things here and there, but im tired of being the only one pitching in. Seems unfair, but I'm Upset and unreasonable right now.

You tell me. Is it ok for a spouse to say this?

[Anonymous]

Is his response normal?? I don't know about what's "normal." It is a somewhat immature response.

Sounds like you two have very different expectations about how to set up your home. You need to figure out how to negotiate. In a marriage, there are always going to be things that one person does for the other even though they may not "want" to do it. A relationship is about give and take. I don't always "want" to do something my spouse wants, but because I care for her and her happiness, I will do it.

Does he expect you to do his laundry or make his meals?

[Anonymous]

Okay, OP. Coming from my point of view -- I'm a woman for what it's worth -- I don't see the need to paint the vent cover to match the wall. I don't get it.

Also, I work full time. When I come home, I don't want to scrub showers, I don't want to remove valances. If these things truly bother you, why don't YOU do them? I don't understand that.

Yes, in your defense, his response is insensitive. It's not how he should phrase his feelings. He should say something like "Honey, I'm tired, I'll get to it another time." But he's honest instead. He says he doesn't think it needs doing.

Is this really about a shower door? You sound terribly controlling? Hire a damn handyman.

[Anonymous]

How old are you and DH? How long have you been married?

[Anonymous]

I would also ask about context. That response does not sound like its invented on the fly. Have you discussed what needs to be done and set priorities/made a list?

Sometimes we get hooked into an idea that something is important when its not. I would agree with PP regarding why these priorities appear to mean something more to you than to him. Does he just generally NOT do ANY chores?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, OP. Coming from my point of view -- I'm a woman for what it's worth -- I don't see the need to paint the vent cover to match the wall. I don't get it.

Also, I work full time. When I come home, I don't want to scrub showers, I don't want to remove valances. If these things truly bother you, why don't YOU do them? I don't understand that.

Yes, in your defense, his response is insensitive. It's not how he should phrase his feelings. He should say something like "Honey, I'm tired, I'll get to it another time." But he's honest instead. He says he doesn't think it needs doing.

Is this really about a shower door? You sound terribly controlling? Hire a damn handyman.

+ a zillion

[Anonymous]

Agree. The problem sounds more about the 5+ hours on the iPad. I HIGHLY suggest you both find other things to do. Let some of these chores slide and go out to dinner, see a movie, walk the dog, do something - anything - together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, OP. Coming from my point of view -- I'm a woman for what it's worth -- I don't see the need to paint the vent cover to match the wall. I don't get it.

Also, I work full time. When I come home, I don't want to scrub showers, I don't want to remove valances. If these things truly bother you, why don't YOU do them? I don't understand that.

Yes, in your defense, his response is insensitive. It's not how he should phrase his feelings. He should say something like "Honey, I'm tired, I'll get to it another time." But he's honest instead. He says he doesn't think it needs doing.

Is this really about a shower door? You sound terribly controlling? Hire a damn handyman.

+ a zillion

I knew it would be 3 seconds before a nasty DCUM poster got on here and told OP to suck it up. You know what? Her husband should get off the couch, forego an hour on the iPad, and change the damn vent cover. Why? Because its the loving thing to do. Maybe he thinks it's ridiculous, but marriage is about sacrifice and love. I'm sure OP does things he wants even though she'd prefer to watch an extra hour of tv.

[Anonymous]

I was the "zillion" poster, and the post I quoted wasn't nasty, nor was it simply about sucking it up. The poster said:

*guy works and wants to take a break at home
*jobs could as easily be done by OP
*affirmed: response was insensitive
*recommendation: hire a handyman

The use of "damn" was a bit OTT, but not overly so.

I would die laughing if my spouse asked me to change the vent cover. If it bugged him, he should fix it. Otherwise, he can call someone to take care of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, OP. Coming from my point of view -- I'm a woman for what it's worth -- I don't see the need to paint the vent cover to match the wall. I don't get it.

Also, I work full time. When I come home, I don't want to scrub showers, I don't want to remove valances. If these things truly bother you, why don't YOU do them? I don't understand that.

Yes, in your defense, his response is insensitive. It's not how he should phrase his feelings. He should say something like "Honey, I'm tired, I'll get to it another time." But he's honest instead. He says he doesn't think it needs doing.

Is this really about a shower door? You sound terribly controlling? Hire a damn handyman.

+ a zillion

I knew it would be 3 seconds before a nasty DCUM poster got on here and told OP to suck it up. You know what? Her husband should get off the couch, forego an hour on the iPad, and change the damn vent cover. Why? Because its the loving thing to do. Maybe he thinks it's ridiculous, but marriage is about sacrifice and love. I'm sure OP does things he wants even though she'd prefer to watch an extra hour of tv.

I am 5:15. Please tell me what was nasty about my response. In my opinion, what breaks the back of a marriage is expecting your spouse to cater to every whim. That is nasty. When your happiness depends on a matching heater cover, something is wrong.

[Anonymous]

Actually, let me elaborate on that response. When your happiness depends on a matching heater cover, but someone else has to make it happen for you, something is wrong. If I want a matching heater cover, I get it done.

[Anonymous]

As long as he's OK with you doing the same thing. So if you're not hungry, no need to cook dinner, even if he wants it. If you don't think his laundry needs to be done, then there it sits. If his suit needs to be picked up at the dry cleaners, no need for you to do it.

[Anonymous]

Why should one spouse have to do everything?

Spouse left toilet seat cover up? If it bothers you, you put it down.
Spouse left door open and unlocked? If if bothers you, you close and lock it.
Spouse leaves dishes in the sink? If it bothers you, you wash them.
Spouse leaves dirty clothes on floor? If it bothers you, you wash them?

Bathroom dirty? If it bothers you, you clean it.
Nothing for dinner? If it bothers you, you cook.
Kid is screaming? If it bothers you, you tend to their needs.

He worked all day. But so did you.
It doesn't bother him. He doesn't see the need for it to be done. So he gets to play on I pad and you get to do everything.
Otherwise, you are a controlling bitch?
According to DCUM, apparently, yes.

Sheesh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, OP. Coming from my point of view -- I'm a woman for what it's worth -- I don't see the need to paint the vent cover to match the wall. I don't get it.

Also, I work full time. When I come home, I don't want to scrub showers, I don't want to remove valances. If these things truly bother you, why don't YOU do them? I don't understand that.

Yes, in your defense, his response is insensitive. It's not how he should phrase his feelings. He should say something like "Honey, I'm tired, I'll get to it another time." But he's honest instead. He says he doesn't think it needs doing.

Is this really about a shower door? You sound terribly controlling? Hire a damn handyman.

ITA. And FWIW, I'm the one who always wants things done, so I just do them myself.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, you really should just do it yourself. If it was something you physically couldn't do, that'd be one thing. But why can't you take down a valence and replace a vent?