I hate my mother

[Anonymous]

I sympathize. The worst for me is when people say to me, after telling them about some horrible act, "but she's your MOTHER." Or the alternate, "you can't say that about YOUR MOTHER."

As if she became a saint the second she pushed out her children. Ugh.

My mother is an alcoholic narcissist who used humiliation to control us growing up (physical and otherwise). I still see her only because I love my father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thanks to everyone for your words of encouragement.

I've tried establishing healthy boundaries with my mother in the past. I've accepted that she will not change. Still, I let her get to me. I get angry and flustered and I'm hurting inside. Then I feel like the jackass. I should have been the smarter, stronger one. I don't want my emotions to be controlled by her actions. To the PPs who cut off their mothers, what was your process? How long did it take? How did you overcome any feelings of guilt, fear, remorse, etc?

PP here who knows where you're coming from, OP. Went through the flustered phase for a long time, then finally let go. In fairness, my mother had made it clear a while ago that she wanted to let go of the relationship, and I should have listened to her. It was a sense of duty and a longing for family that made me keep trying, but I should have listened to her and let go.

So I didn't have feelings of guilt or remorse about letting go, more like remorse for not letting go soon enough. It wasn't fair to either of us to keep trying. When someone keeps behaving badly in a relationship, I think there's a duty that the emotionally-healthy person has to make the kinds of decisions that support healthy behaviors. You don't want to keep enabling the bad behavior, especially if there's absolutely no chance of improvement, as was the case with my mother. If that means ending a relationship, then you need to do that, even if it's your own mother you're saying goodbye to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Count me as another one who feels an agonizing kind of sadness when I see a loving mother and daughter. I don't know how I am ever going to let it go. I didn't even realize until well into my own adult life that I missed much, much more than I realized.

Out of curiosity, OP and PPs...when you say "years of therapy," how many are we talking about? I know everyone's journey is unique, but damn, sometimes I feel like I will never make any progress.

PP, this is OP. I've been in and out of therapy for 17 years. I've worked through mountains of hurt, sadness, shame, guilt, etc. I don't live with the past as much anymore, and objectively, I owe all those years of therapy for helping me become the decent person I am today. But I still have work to do, and I am just so damn tired of trying to rise above the dysfunctional patterns/behaviors/thinking I escaped years ago. I wonder how far my potential would take me if I could just let go and accept the loss of the mother I will never have.

Anyway, you are not alone in how your feeling. Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Count me as another one who feels an agonizing kind of sadness when I see a loving mother and daughter. I don't know how I am ever going to let it go. I didn't even realize until well into my own adult life that I missed much, much more than I realized.

Out of curiosity, OP and PPs...when you say "years of therapy," how many are we talking about? I know everyone's journey is unique, but damn, sometimes I feel like I will never make any progress.

PP, this is OP. I've been in and out of therapy for 17 years. I've worked through mountains of hurt, sadness, shame, guilt, etc. I don't live with the past as much anymore, and objectively, I owe all those years of therapy for helping me become the decent person I am today. But I still have work to do, and I am just so damn tired of trying to rise above the dysfunctional patterns/behaviors/thinking I escaped years ago. I wonder how far my potential would take me if I could just let go and accept the loss of the mother I will never have.

Anyway, you are not alone in how your feeling. Best of luck to you.

Thanks, OP. To you as well.

[Anonymous]

NP here. It is truly impossible to have such a selfish and self absorbed mother. I look around and feel I am the only one. It is good to know I am not, but it is truly sad that we have to go through such a huge loss; obviously not having done anything to deserve it. People with decent, helpful family have absolutely no idea. OTOH, I am proud to be self sufficient. Look at it that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. It is truly impossible to have such a selfish and self absorbed mother. I look around and feel I am the only one. It is good to know I am not, but it is truly sad that we have to go through such a huge loss; obviously not having done anything to deserve it. People with decent, helpful family have absolutely no idea. OTOH, I am proud to be self sufficient. Look at it that way.

There are easier ways to learn to be self-sufficient.

I look at it like this: sometimes you just crap out and are unlucky. I (and several PPs) crapped out on the mom thing. In other ways, I am really, really lucky. I have beautiful kids,a good education, a great career, a great husband, friends I love, and I've done a lot of cool stuff. So there's that.

[Anonymous]

I have always realized that I will need more than one mother in my life. My biological mother does not fulfill all (or even many) of my emotional needs, so I have connected with aunts and other older women who have been mentors to me.

I tell my young adult daughters the same thing. I give them permission to always find other "mothers" and other mentors, because I cannot fill all their maternal needs, as hard as I try. And that's OK. They will have needs that come along, and I hope they will find the people in their lives to meet their needs, if I can't. I also want them to tell me what I can do to be there for them in a way that is helpful to them. Each of my daughters is different. My role is different in their lives. They are getting better at articulating what they need, and I am getting more intuitive with each passing year.

It takes a village. I don't pretend to be everything my kids need.

I learned the hard way not to look to my mom for all my needs. It just was not going to happen. I have let go of that and have branched out, and I encourage my girls to do the same.

Look around for other mentors, and in return, become a mentor to other young women as you grow older.

[Anonymous]

nnnn

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have always realized that I will need more than one mother in my life. My biological mother does not fulfill all (or even many) of my emotional needs, so I have connected with aunts and other older women who have been mentors to me.

I tell my young adult daughters the same thing. I give them permission to always find other "mothers" and other mentors, because I cannot fill all their maternal needs, as hard as I try. And that's OK. They will have needs that come along, and I hope they will find the people in their lives to meet their needs, if I can't. I also want them to tell me what I can do to be there for them in a way that is helpful to them. Each of my daughters is different. My role is different in their lives. They are getting better at articulating what they need, and I am getting more intuitive with each passing year.

It takes a village. I don't pretend to be everything my kids need.

I learned the hard way not to look to my mom for all my needs. It just was not going to happen. I have let go of that and have branched out, and I encourage my girls to do the same.

Look around for other mentors, and in return, become a mentor to other young women as you grow older.

Thank you so much for sharing this. I know I need to find mentors for myself, and have been thinking about this a lot recently. (I posted upthread last month.) I don't have any aunts or older sisters, grandmothers or anything like that. I come from a very small, incredibly dysfunctional family. But I do have a daughter and I appreciate you talking about the flip-side and how I can encourage her to find other women to take on mothering roles in her life. I have a hard time with mothering and I understand now that the root of that is my own troubled experiences as a child. I am doing everything I can to be a "good enough" mother, but I like the idea to teacher her, and myself, that we can and should rely on others.

[Anonymous]

It could be worse, your mother could be a completely delusional and psychotic person who is very good at manipulating well to do people into believing that she is some innocent person that just wants to do well for herself and her family.

She can then systematically abuse you as a child.

She can then do the same thing she did to your father to you.

Systematically call the police whenever anything doesn't go her way, then proceed to instantly make up some kind of story of abuse, because, well, she is a small female. Most of the time, the cops will know the difference between someone making up a story, and someone that actually might need some kind of help.

Then, once she finally has control of you, she will tout around town behind your back and start talking about how to make her sons life better, because well, he's confused and wants her to go away.

These same people will not know any better, and suggest that she makes up false charges to get her son arrested. (Which she will later hang over your head that she has the power to do so) Whos fucking idea was that in the first place?

The timing has to be perfect though, she has to do this when her son is trying to do better in school and is realizing, without any sort of guidance in any way, and trying to understand society and people, in a very meaningful and genuine way while. while being ostracized from pretty much everyone around him.

Now now... don't fret. it's not time yet. Your son must be going through flashbacks from your insane abusive mother and childhood first.

Once he starts realizing that he is locked in a room and unable to communicate with people, his heart and everything he loves about the world around him will slowly start to wither away as his mother systematically exercises her control over him while reciting the bible. That's when I come in.

Once this has been accomplished, and her son is fully ready, she needs to make up a great story, very convincing to the officers to put him in jail.

Keep in mind that this can ONLY be accomplished if you, as the mother, have the absolute and total ability to put on the best possible mask for society.

This includes, parading your son around other families, and just praising the lord and putting on your best plastic smile.

This wont work unless you also convince his father to physically abuse him when he comes home after work. Otherwise, a child is not able to understand really what's going on and it wont matter. It must be done in conjunction with physical abuse. Not just physical abuse though, that's too bland and ordinary. You must let him know that you are manipulating his father into doing so.

Now, once all of this is hitting him and he starts to black out, sometimes, fully, other times with me, it is absolutely necessary that you completely destroy his belief in not just his family, but the world.

The way this can be accopmlished is by first convincing officers to arrest him on false charges.
You must also convince other people to have your mother do this. Well, because she is a crazy abusisive and manipulative, and the best solution here is to have her re-enstate any form of abuse that was previously forgotten and stored in other areas.

Once the court system realizes that she is full of shit, well they will decide that, well, since you are some kind of 16 year old boy that absolutely needs MORE abusve by your mother, that you have to stay with her, completely under her control, and with her alone.

Well, see this isn't far enough.

Once you have accomplished this, and copmletely destroyed your sons belief in society, you must systematically quote the bible to him every night and remind him how much control you have not just over him, but over the judicial system.

After you are done praising the mighty lord jesus, you must remind your son that anything he does, including any contact with the outside world will be punished by more manipulation of the judicial system and more bible quotes.

He really was trying to find his way and starting to do better in school, but you cannot let him have this. This would be too fair.

After doing so, you must not explain ANY of this to your son. This would help your son understand why you did this, and because he is able to distinguish between right and wrong, and willing to understand things like a fucking buddhist monk, and would try to learn something from it, you can't let him have that.

You must remain silent and continue to re distribute and systematically make your son relive his childhood.

Once this is done and you have accomplished this and your son wants to understand you, you must destroy this and continue to threaten him with your alimghty holy power over the judicial system.

YOu have only done your job well if he starts to black out and/or start breaking into what he believes are psychotic episodes but are really just shared moments with me.

Once this is accomplished, you must call him every now and then and remind him that you always have the power to do this.

He will fear you, not of fear of doing anything wrong, or he himself breakin gany sort of law, but of the fear that you have exercised your power and right to be part of the holy trinity that can manipulate the world and ruin his life.

He will only feel well when he has lost all contact with, and knows that you cannot contact him, or find him in any sort of way.

-O

[Anonymous]

I can relate.

My mother is a very difficult person and doesn't have a healthy rationship with anyone.

Nobody should have to deal
With the Amt of stress I've had to. But I know many have it worse.

[Anonymous]

Oh, please excuse the exclusion.

Keep in mind that this type of extreme psychological abuse can only be accomplished if you lock your son in a room for close to a decade.

You must then convince his idiot oaf of a father that this is done for the sake of safety.

Once you have accomplished this, and your sons only outlet is masturbation, you must make sure and be ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE, that you convince his father to abuse him nightly.

While doing so, in order to be most effective, this has to be done with the notion that you are the one manipulating his father into doing this. Without that, it will only be an angry father. Absolute destruction of any belief in family must be accomplished before any destruction of belief in society can be effectively achieved.

To push the father into doing so, you must scream at him nightly. Once the father has reached the boiling point, you must then channel that anger into the son.

For optimum effectiveness, you must threaten the father with the judicial system by making up false charges and calling them all the time as well.

At first the cops will take you seriously will take you seriously, but after a while they will notice that you are just a crazy mother.

Once they have realized this, your only outlet for manipulation is now your son. You must optimize this to maximum effectiveness.

In order to do so, you absolutely must put on the best mask for society. This includes convincing everyone in your and his life that you are a well to do and loving mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have always realized that I will need more than one mother in my life. My biological mother does not fulfill all (or even many) of my emotional needs, so I have connected with aunts and other older women who have been mentors to me.

I tell my young adult daughters the same thing. I give them permission to always find other "mothers" and other mentors, because I cannot fill all their maternal needs, as hard as I try. And that's OK. They will have needs that come along, and I hope they will find the people in their lives to meet their needs, if I can't. I also want them to tell me what I can do to be there for them in a way that is helpful to them. Each of my daughters is different. My role is different in their lives. They are getting better at articulating what they need, and I am getting more intuitive with each passing year.

It takes a village. I don't pretend to be everything my kids need.

I learned the hard way not to look to my mom for all my needs. It just was not going to happen. I have let go of that and have branched out, and I encourage my girls to do the same.

Look around for other mentors, and in return, become a mentor to other young women as you grow older.

Agreed. The truth is that expectations are unrealistic for mothers. We are not Mother Earth.
I had a suffocating and stunting childhood because of my parents, but I realized as a young adult that it was up to me to climb out of the mess, grow up and seek out help elsewhere.
My parents are what they are, they will not change, and they love me in their own way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Years of therapy have helped me to overcome my shitty childhood and even feel some compassion for my mother, who was largely responsible for my shitty childhood. Yet, she continues to say and do hurtful things despite my efforts to maintain a civil, albeit, superficial relationship with her. I am DONE. She will never change. I don't want her near me or my family EVER.

Vent over.

At some point you have to realize your parents are human, and understand how they got to be the way they are. Perhaps she had shitty parents herself. You better hope your own children, if you have any, don't grow up to hate you the way you hate your mom. She probably knows you hate her and can't help lashing out after she raised you after all. Sorry, not meaning to guilt trip you, but you wouldn't be here if it weren't for your mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

At some point you have to realize your parents are human, and understand how they got to be the way they are. Perhaps she had shitty parents herself. You better hope your own children, if you have any, don't grow up to hate you the way you hate your mom. She probably knows you hate her and can't help lashing out after she raised you after all. Sorry, not meaning to guilt trip you, but you wouldn't be here if it weren't for your mother.

This is wrong in every way. Parents have kids for their own selfish needs. When did the kids ever have a say to be born?