I hate my mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Years of therapy have helped me to overcome my shitty childhood and even feel some compassion for my mother, who was largely responsible for my shitty childhood. Yet, she continues to say and do hurtful things despite my efforts to maintain a civil, albeit, superficial relationship with her. I am DONE. She will never change. I don't want her near me or my family EVER.

Vent over.

At some point you have to realize your parents are human, and understand how they got to be the way they are. Perhaps she had shitty parents herself. You better hope your own children, if you have any, don't grow up to hate you the way you hate your mom. She probably knows you hate her and can't help lashing out after she raised you after all. Sorry, not meaning to guilt trip you, but you wouldn't be here if it weren't for your mother.

OP here. I'm surprised to see this post resurrected. PP, you sound just like my mother. And you did mean to guilt trip me. I do have a child, and I too hope my child doesn't grow up to hate me. I also hope that I'm doing so much better at this parent business than my own mom.

[Anonymous]

22:07 - get help

[Anonymous]

I see this thread was posted over a year ago, but I wonder if you're one of my siblings. I was literally thinking what you posted as the thread's title when I entered the family relationships forum and saw this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Years of therapy have helped me to overcome my shitty childhood and even feel some compassion for my mother, who was largely responsible for my shitty childhood. Yet, she continues to say and do hurtful things despite my efforts to maintain a civil, albeit, superficial relationship with her. I am DONE. She will never change. I don't want her near me or my family EVER.

Vent over.

At some point you have to realize your parents are human, and understand how they got to be the way they are. Perhaps she had shitty parents herself. You better hope your own children, if you have any, don't grow up to hate you the way you hate your mom. She probably knows you hate her and can't help lashing out after she raised you after all. Sorry, not meaning to guilt trip you, but you wouldn't be here if it weren't for your mother.

You're sick. OP doesn't have to just hope that her kids won't grow up to hate her. She can actually love, care for them, and treat them in a way that will make it easy for them to love her- something her mother didn't do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thanks to everyone for your words of encouragement.

I've tried establishing healthy boundaries with my mother in the past. I've accepted that she will not change. Still, I let her get to me. I get angry and flustered and I'm hurting inside. Then I feel like the jackass. I should have been the smarter, stronger one. I don't want my emotions to be controlled by her actions. To the PPs who cut off their mothers, what was your process? How long did it take? How did you overcome any feelings of guilt, fear, remorse, etc?

Are you able to give some examples of why she is a problem to you. Not being argumentative but I have a friend who says these things about her mother..but after years if hearing her complaints about her it turned out it was a lot about the daughter's perception of herself and she spent a lot of time claiming her Mom was at fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:after reading this, I vow to continue to try to be the best parent ever....fuck...this is terrible what you guys are saying (not that it is not justified), but the fact that parents can be so hurtful

Why do we all assume the parents were the issue. ..no details here. Anyone remember the episodes in Will and Grace where one or two of the gay characters read oppression into everything the father said. .when in fact it was the sons assumption and expectation. Yeah..I know it was a sitcom..but the writers get their material from life.
When someone goes to therapy..the therapist is not really privy to the other side. Yes..I am a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:after reading this, I vow to continue to try to be the best parent ever....fuck...this is terrible what you guys are saying (not that it is not justified), but the fact that parents can be so hurtful

Why do we all assume the parents were the issue. ..no details here. Anyone remember the episodes in Will and Grace where one or two of the gay characters read oppression into everything the father said. .when in fact it was the sons assumption and expectation. Yeah..I know it was a sitcom..but the writers get their material from life.
When someone goes to therapy..the therapist is not really privy to the other side. Yes..I am a therapist.

Wow, way to be supportive, "therapist."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:after reading this, I vow to continue to try to be the best parent ever....fuck...this is terrible what you guys are saying (not that it is not justified), but the fact that parents can be so hurtful

Why do we all assume the parents were the issue. ..no details here. Anyone remember the episodes in Will and Grace where one or two of the gay characters read oppression into everything the father said. .when in fact it was the sons assumption and expectation. Yeah..I know it was a sitcom..but the writers get their material from life.
When someone goes to therapy..the therapist is not really privy to the other side. Yes..I am a therapist.

Wow, way to be supportive, "therapist."

Yes, PP, because therapy is all about a person hearing just what they want to hear and not what they need to hear, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thanks to everyone for your words of encouragement.

I've tried establishing healthy boundaries with my mother in the past. I've accepted that she will not change. Still, I let her get to me. I get angry and flustered and I'm hurting inside. Then I feel like the jackass. I should have been the smarter, stronger one. I don't want my emotions to be controlled by her actions. To the PPs who cut off their mothers, what was your process? How long did it take? How did you overcome any feelings of guilt, fear, remorse, etc?

I tried setting and maintaining boundaries for years. I tried confronting her. I tried ignoring her. I tried positive reinforcement for good behavior.

Then I had to have surgery for an ovarian mass and a biopsy. I told her 4 times about the surgery and she was so self-absorbed that she didn't hear it. When I finally got her to listen and hear it, she told me not to be such a baby. That was it. I hung up on her and refused to see her or talk to her again. It was the straw that broke the camel's back. I snapped. I just couldn't deal with her and cancer, too.

+1 My mother did the same thing when I was struggling with a serious medical problem. I gave myself permission to ease her out of my life. I did not want to make a big deal about it in front of the family (...but she's your MOTHER...) just stopped being available. The further away I got from her and the situation, the more I was able to see how out of bounds her behavior was. I come from a big family so there were many times when I had to say "I saw a different side of her" I refused to argue or discuss her behavior with anyone in the family (at least not at length) It is a difficult situation, especially when other sibling have a differ perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:after reading this, I vow to continue to try to be the best parent ever....fuck...this is terrible what you guys are saying (not that it is not justified), but the fact that parents can be so hurtful

Why do we all assume the parents were the issue. ..no details here. Anyone remember the episodes in Will and Grace where one or two of the gay characters read oppression into everything the father said. .when in fact it was the sons assumption and expectation. Yeah..I know it was a sitcom..but the writers get their material from life.
When someone goes to therapy..the therapist is not really privy to the other side. Yes..I am a therapist.

Wow, way to be supportive, "therapist."

Yes, PP, because therapy is all about a person hearing just what they want to hear and not what they need to hear, right?

A good therapist helps the patient to get there on his or her own, rather than jamming it down their throat. Tact and a smidge of kindness also go a long way.

Thanks for reminding me what an amazing therapist I have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:after reading this, I vow to continue to try to be the best parent ever....fuck...this is terrible what you guys are saying (not that it is not justified), but the fact that parents can be so hurtful

Why do we all assume the parents were the issue. ..no details here. Anyone remember the episodes in Will and Grace where one or two of the gay characters read oppression into everything the father said. .when in fact it was the sons assumption and expectation. Yeah..I know it was a sitcom..but the writers get their material from life.
When someone goes to therapy..the therapist is not really privy to the other side. Yes..I am a therapist.

Wow, way to be supportive, "therapist."

Yes, PP, because therapy is all about a person hearing just what they want to hear and not what they need to hear, right?

A good therapist helps the patient to get there on his or her own, rather than jamming it down their throat. Tact and a smidge of kindness also go a long way.

Thanks for reminding me what an amazing therapist I have.

And apparently you need one as you confuse this forum with actual therapy. This is a forum. Get it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:after reading this, I vow to continue to try to be the best parent ever....fuck...this is terrible what you guys are saying (not that it is not justified), but the fact that parents can be so hurtful

Why do we all assume the parents were the issue. ..no details here. Anyone remember the episodes in Will and Grace where one or two of the gay characters read oppression into everything the father said. .when in fact it was the sons assumption and expectation. Yeah..I know it was a sitcom..but the writers get their material from life.
When someone goes to therapy..the therapist is not really privy to the other side. Yes..I am a therapist.

Wow, way to be supportive, "therapist."

Yes, PP, because therapy is all about a person hearing just what they want to hear and not what they need to hear, right?

A good therapist helps the patient to get there on his or her own, rather than jamming it down their throat. Tact and a smidge of kindness also go a long way.

Thanks for reminding me what an amazing therapist I have.

And apparently you need one as you confuse this forum with actual therapy. This is a forum. Get it?

Are you hearing (reading) yourself right now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thanks to everyone for your words of encouragement.

I've tried establishing healthy boundaries with my mother in the past. I've accepted that she will not change. Still, I let her get to me. I get angry and flustered and I'm hurting inside. Then I feel like the jackass. I should have been the smarter, stronger one. I don't want my emotions to be controlled by her actions. To the PPs who cut off their mothers, what was your process? How long did it take? How did you overcome any feelings of guilt, fear, remorse, etc?

Are you able to give some examples of why she is a problem to you. Not being argumentative but I have a friend who says these things about her mother..but after years if hearing her complaints about her it turned out it was a lot about the daughter's perception of herself and she spent a lot of time claiming her Mom was at fault.

OP here. Let's just say I was abandoned several times when I needed my mother the most. She has a drug and alcohol problem, and if you know what it's like to grow up with a hardcore addict, I don't need to say anymore. I don't literally hate my mother. I love her deep down, despite everything. But I sure do grieve the loss of the mother I wish I had, and I have moments of anger and resentment (like when I started this thread).

[Anonymous]

I get that. If she had an addiction to something, then for some or all of that time you really didn't have a mother. And while you can forgive, it doesn't change the fact that you didn't have a Mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:after reading this, I vow to continue to try to be the best parent ever....fuck...this is terrible what you guys are saying (not that it is not justified), but the fact that parents can be so hurtful

Why do we all assume the parents were the issue. ..no details here. Anyone remember the episodes in Will and Grace where one or two of the gay characters read oppression into everything the father said. .when in fact it was the sons assumption and expectation. Yeah..I know it was a sitcom..but the writers get their material from life.
When someone goes to therapy..the therapist is not really privy to the other side. Yes..I am a therapist.

Wow, way to be supportive, "therapist."

Yes, PP, because therapy is all about a person hearing just what they want to hear and not what they need to hear, right?

A good therapist helps the patient to get there on his or her own, rather than jamming it down their throat. Tact and a smidge of kindness also go a long way.

Thanks for reminding me what an amazing therapist I have.

And apparently you need one as you confuse this forum with actual therapy. This is a forum. Get it?

Are you hearing (reading) yourself right now?

NP here and just want to say I agree with this therapist. OP's feelings sound 100% legit, but some people's anger at their parents is completely out of proportion to reality. I don't know if it stems from a sense of entitlement (my childhood should have been this or that way) or an underdeveloped sense of empathy for their parents as people (yes, on some level the responsibility of the parents to foster but not completely), but I've seen that to be the case.