Online Dating & sex

[Anonymous]

Another +1 for 20:53's suggestion as to how to handle it.

However, how many dates and weeks has it been? If it has been several weeks and at least 3 dates, and you are talking/texting frequently as well, but he is still spending a lot of time on Match, then he is just not that into you - he's probably just keeping you on the hook until he finds someone else, hoping for sex, or doesn't want anything serious. Has he said he wants something serious? All the good guys I've met online have said that either in the profile or in initial emails or dates.

[Anonymous]

Been in this situation many times over the past few years. I've learned -- until you have a conversation about dating exclusively and/or specifically taking down profiles (he's probably on at least one other site too)...expect that he's doing what he's doing with you, with other women too. Wow, that's a mouthful.

I got burned with an older dorky guy last year. Never crossed my mind he was two-timing me, yet he was. I called him out, he came clean and I only had myself to blame b/c I didn't specifically ask the right questions. I'm cool having sex without a full-blown (ha!) relationship. I am not cool with dating and sleeping with a guy who is doing that with others. So just assume that dating means non-exclusive and go from there.

I've had that talk with one guy and we are still dating. It's great and was very much a mutual decision. I let myself get caught up and I don't regret the sex with the other guys I dated, just that I wasn't strong enough to specifically lay (there I go again!) the ground rules. Live and learn.

[Anonymous]

I'm the PP. After several years on and off online sites, even I, who was definitely looking for a long-term relationship, found it a bit hard to stop looking (trolling) the dating sites. And I pretty much found out these guys were dating others when they continued trolling the sites. I knew my intentions -- to see if they were still looking -- were good, but if they were on there looking to see my activity, well, you see how that works? Better to be up front and to communicate. It is so good when it works.

[Anonymous]

OP, first of all, how long has it been? You can't really expect him to be off match just because he's texting and talking to you everyday. There is no relationship/exclusivity yet...neither YOU nor he should be putting all your eggs in one basket this soon. It's like anything else, a job search, house hunting, etc. Until there is a concrete offer on the table or agreement on both sides, the market remains open fully or to a degree.

Secondly, how do you know he's still on match if you're not on match too? Checking up on him?

And lastly, you shouldn't discount all the women he's slept with prior to meeting you. if you are worried about STIs etc, I would use the same precautions even if/when you do become exclusive.

[Anonymous]

Agree with what everyone is saying. He already has women in the pipeline (I.e. texting only, first date, 2nd date etc.) plus he is still looking. He either doesn't feel compelled to be in a relationship and is enjoying playing the field or he doesn't feel strongly enough at this point that one of the people he is currently talking to will work out that it is worth taking down the profile and see how things play out.

As others have said, you have a decision to make. Either you are comfortable sleeping with him knowing he is likely sleeping with other women or you are not. I know personally, I would either have to be in an exclusive relationship or I'd have to be willing to be involved with more than one guy. Either I'm equally as detached as in yes I like him but there are others I like as much or we are equally involved.

If you prefer committed monogomous, don't make a big deal or pressure the guy into it. There are guys out there that are short-term committed monogomous ...that they will say that's what they want and text you every day and then after you sleep with them say it was moving too fast and they need space. Get to know each other gradually and don't rush the physical. As he gets to know you better and gets to meet other women either he will believe there isn't anyone out there better for him than you or he won't. You want a guy that feels certain and is not looking over his shoulder for something better, or feels he doesn't have enough experience to know, or ignores red flags because he wants to desperately make something work.

[Anonymous]

PP, forgot to add that unofficially, you need enough time to figure out if you might want to be exclusive. With my DH, it was after 2 months and going on dates about once a week and talking/email in between. I had been dating other people during that same time and knew he was the one I wanted to date exclusively. I made sure I was explicit about asking if he was dating other people because I had been burned in the past making an assumption. I know I wasn't necessarily ready to be exclusive before then and wouldn't have wanted pressure to decide any quicker than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you aren't comfortable having sex while he's seeing other women, don't.

Tell him you wait until you're in an exclusive relationship for sex. If he wants to talk about where your relationship is going, you should, but don't bring it up yourself. Just let him know your standards and expectations and don't make a thing out of it.

Good men will respect you for it and players will fade out of your life.

+1. This is good advice.

[Anonymous]

I'm the Op -we had sex, many times now, hang out a couple times a week, talk and text all of the time but still haven't ad any discussion around what we're doing. Last night we went out to dinner, went back to his house hung-out & had sex. I couldn't stay the night last night so when I got home and got settled, I logged on Match to see if he was. He was on. So I hadn't been away from him for an hour and he had logged on. Needless to say, I wasn't happy. We've been hanging out for about six weeks now. He seems into me but the Match thing is throwing me off. And making me incredibly insecure. Should I have my guard up?? Should I ask him about it? The one thing I don't want is a casual sexual relationship. And I'm really starting to like him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the Op -we had sex, many times now, hang out a couple times a week, talk and text all of the time but still haven't ad any discussion around what we're doing. Last night we went out to dinner, went back to his house hung-out & had sex. I couldn't stay the night last night so when I got home and got settled, I logged on Match to see if he was. He was on. So I hadn't been away from him for an hour and he had logged on. Needless to say, I wasn't happy. We've been hanging out for about six weeks now. He seems into me but the Match thing is throwing me off. And making me incredibly insecure. Should I have my guard up?? Should I ask him about it? The one thing I don't want is a casual sexual relationship. And I'm really starting to like him.

Your choice to not have that conversation. It doesn't make him in the wrong to not want to be monogamous if he has never committed in any way to you. for all he knows you are meeting all kinds of men and he is just one of them. If you want sex with a guy who isn't exclusive or committed - great, that is that you have. If you want something different you need to talk to him and see if he wants more too. Maybe all he is looking for is women to hang out with and have sex with. To him, he might figure you are on the same page, you also are just looking for guys to hang out with and have sex with.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, this is exactly what I needed to read right now.

NP here; have been seeing a guy for about a month. We slept together on the first date (I know, slut of the year, go ahead). But we've gone out to dinner each time, went for a walk in the park this past weekend... I am starting to like him, and not sure of when or what to say to see where his mind is. :/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the Op -we had sex, many times now, hang out a couple times a week, talk and text all of the time but still haven't ad any discussion around what we're doing. Last night we went out to dinner, went back to his house hung-out & had sex. I couldn't stay the night last night so when I got home and got settled, I logged on Match to see if he was. He was on. So I hadn't been away from him for an hour and he had logged on. Needless to say, I wasn't happy. We've been hanging out for about six weeks now. He seems into me but the Match thing is throwing me off. And making me incredibly insecure. Should I have my guard up?? Should I ask him about it? The one thing I don't want is a casual sexual relationship. And I'm really starting to like him.

Damn, didn't realize this was old and I was going to tell to not have sex!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the Op -we had sex, many times now, hang out a couple times a week, talk and text all of the time but still haven't ad any discussion around what we're doing. Last night we went out to dinner, went back to his house hung-out & had sex. I couldn't stay the night last night so when I got home and got settled, I logged on Match to see if he was. He was on. So I hadn't been away from him for an hour and he had logged on. Needless to say, I wasn't happy. We've been hanging out for about six weeks now. He seems into me but the Match thing is throwing me off. And making me incredibly insecure. Should I have my guard up?? Should I ask him about it? The one thing I don't want is a casual sexual relationship. And I'm really starting to like him.

OTOH - you were on the site again with in an hour of leaving him. Maybe he was doing the same checking on you as you are on him....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the Op -we had sex, many times now, hang out a couple times a week, talk and text all of the time but still haven't ad any discussion around what we're doing. Last night we went out to dinner, went back to his house hung-out & had sex. I couldn't stay the night last night so when I got home and got settled, I logged on Match to see if he was. He was on. So I hadn't been away from him for an hour and he had logged on. Needless to say, I wasn't happy. We've been hanging out for about six weeks now. He seems into me but the Match thing is throwing me off. And making me incredibly insecure. Should I have my guard up?? Should I ask him about it? The one thing I don't want is a casual sexual relationship. And I'm really starting to like him.

OTOH - you were on the site again with in an hour of leaving him. Maybe he was doing the same checking on you as you are on him....

I've thought of this and realize he could be doing/thinking the same.

[Anonymous]

I'm one of the previous posters who has been in this situation while online dating.

I told you -- assume he's dating other women and sleeping with them until you have a conversation stating otherwise. Trust me from experience!

As to logging on, I would find out the same thing, and then said in my head, well, he could be on trying to find out if I'm on. That's why you assume you're not exclusive until it's clear you are. I would justify it with, we haven't had a conversation and if he's curious, he'll ask me why I'm on. Doesn't take the sting away and it's a total double standard.

From my experiences, my motives were on the up and up and the guy was actually still trolling around. This happened more than once.

With current BF, we were on the same page quickly and after a talk, realized we both wanted a monogomous relationship. In a few years of dating, I've had that convo with a positive outcome exactly one time.

[Anonymous]

Just ask him. I met my DW on match.com and early in our relationship I remained somewhat active on match.com because I wasn't sure where things were going, and thought she was doing the same. But it was halfhearted on my part, just developing backup options in case things fell apart, really just emailing some people, and I suspect it was the same for her. No way to know unless you ask, and it is perfectly reasonable to ask once you are having sex with someone.