crappy birthday, again

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of you posters are pretty unbelievable. I don't think it's at all unreasonable that a person should want their spouse to celebrate their birthday. Do you feel the same way about anniversaries? I honestly don't think it matters if he's "into birthdays" or not. If my husband told me that a thing was important to him, I would go out of my way to make that thing happen. If I told him that something was important to me, and he ignored it or half-assed it the way it sounds like OP's husband did, I would be that much more annoyed by the daily grind stuff.

I guess that is the question. Would OPs husband say that OP goes out of her way to do things that he feels are important to him, even if they aren't important to her?

Typically these things are kind of a loop - either both people go out of their way to do what is important to the other, or neither do. There is either respect or resentment in the loop.

[Anonymous]

Miss Manners says birthdays are just for kids:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style...e45e6f8ef_story.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry. My husband doesn't care about his birthday and this year for mine, he went out to get stuff for stir-fry for dinner and picked up a Wok as my gift (I like Chinese, he doesn't). I wasn't impressed.

I think the best solution is to tell him exactly what you want. It may not be a surprise, but not as bad as leaving him on his own.

As far as the making dinner 1-2X a week, mine is bad at this too. It's most successful when I tell him to make steak or something else manly I don't usually make.

I actually think this sounds really sweet. He thought of something that you really like, that's just for you since he doesn't like it. You sound like spoiled little brat. You weren't impressed?

Jeez. Poor guy, I bet he was all happy that he thought of something you'd enjoy.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's wrong to expect DH to celebrate your birthday if you care about it (which you clearly do - I care about my birthday, too). But I agree with PPs that you have to give him clear direction about what you want. Like, I want this present and I want us to go out to dinner to a nice restaurant, how about this one. I have been married 10 years and with DH for 15+ and he's HORRIBLE about birthdays and special occasions bc he just doesn't really care about them. But he now gets that I care about them and will do what I explicitly request. We've had some bummer years back when I expected him to do something special without my input and I finally gave up on that. Just be explicit about what you want, e.g., "It's my birthday next Thursday so I want to go out to dinner and get a babysitter, you pick the restaurant and surprise me."

[Anonymous]

It just seems like all my friends do something special on their birthdays--a card and flowers, or a birthday dinner out, etc.

Friends lie. This year my husband brought me chocolate eclairs for my birthday. I was tickled. Last year he forgot my birthday and our anniversary. Not the first time but he works very hard, isn't home except on weekends, never says anything about what I buy so I give him a pass on something like this. He makes up for it by being the best husband when I'm sick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You aren't going to change him so you need to change your expectations.

Agree. You've set expectations for him that he doesn't do naturally and are making him jump through hoops. Let's face it, if you have to instruct him to celebrate your birthday just to make you feel cherished and validated, there is something wrong here. He's not doing this because he thought of it, he's doing it because he's following instructions. Like checking off a box. Why would this make you feel better?
Instead, you are unhappy with the situation and ranting at him and making him unhappy about the situation, creating a stressful environment for both of you. The above PP has quoted something that is frequently recommended. You cannot change another person and trying to do so will only make both of you unhappy. You can mention it to him as you did last year, and then he can choose to change or not. But, either you need to find a way to self-validate yourself (e.g. buying yourself a gift or treating yourself to a meal) or accept that he's not a romantic or sentimental type and won't remember to do something to celebrate your birthday. But trying to change him is something that will only make your marriage suffer.

[Anonymous]

I plan my birthday outing. I pick out my gift. I surprise DH for his. I do what I want and don't get upset anymore. Most guys are not good at this stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry. My husband doesn't care about his birthday and this year for mine, he went out to get stuff for stir-fry for dinner and picked up a Wok as my gift (I like Chinese, he doesn't). I wasn't impressed.

I think the best solution is to tell him exactly what you want. It may not be a surprise, but not as bad as leaving him on his own.

As far as the making dinner 1-2X a week, mine is bad at this too. It's most successful when I tell him to make steak or something else manly I don't usually make.

You sound like a high-maintenance bitch. That was actually kind of thoughtful.

[Anonymous]

OP make your own plans. Go out with friends, and hire a sitter in case dh flakes on being home on time. Go out without him and enjoy yourself.

[Anonymous]

OP here, I definitely need to change my expectations--which were raised pre-marriage by a very romantic partner who would go out of his way to make me feel appreciated. That all pretty much disappeared once we had kids. I would have loved to have taken the night off, actually, and just done something on my own, but someone had to be home with kids. I think in retrospect what upset me most was not that he did not plan anything special--I did that by getting the kids cupcakes, which they love--it was that he told me at 5:45 he was leaving and would be home by 6 and instead is home at 7:30 while i'm dealing with an 18 month old and 3 year old because he "got caught up with things" at work--right after he said he was leaving. It's one night he could have at least been home on time, or bothered to answer his phone when i called wondering if I should feed the kids or not. It would have pissed me off any normal night, but on my bday was just too much of a kick in the pants. I'm just exhausted all the effing time and for once wanted someone else--eg DH-- to take care of the goddamm dinner. HE promised a couple weeks ago that he would start taking over one or two nights a week, but so far nada.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I definitely need to change my expectations--which were raised pre-marriage by a very romantic partner who would go out of his way to make me feel appreciated. That all pretty much disappeared once we had kids. I would have loved to have taken the night off, actually, and just done something on my own, but someone had to be home with kids. I think in retrospect what upset me most was not that he did not plan anything special--I did that by getting the kids cupcakes, which they love--it was that he told me at 5:45 he was leaving and would be home by 6 and instead is home at 7:30 while i'm dealing with an 18 month old and 3 year old because he "got caught up with things" at work--right after he said he was leaving. It's one night he could have at least been home on time, or bothered to answer his phone when i called wondering if I should feed the kids or not. It would have pissed me off any normal night, but on my bday was just too much of a kick in the pants. I'm just exhausted all the effing time and for once wanted someone else--eg DH-- to take care of the goddamm dinner. HE promised a couple weeks ago that he would start taking over one or two nights a week, but so far nada.

Setting aside the birthday complaint for the moment, on the other thing you just need to make plans and tell him you expect him to be here Tuesday by 6 p.m. so you can do X, Y, and Z, even if X is take a walk around the HS track, Y is a cuppa at Starbucks by yourself, or Z is a trip to the dentist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry. My husband doesn't care about his birthday and this year for mine, he went out to get stuff for stir-fry for dinner and picked up a Wok as my gift (I like Chinese, he doesn't). I wasn't impressed.

I think the best solution is to tell him exactly what you want. It may not be a surprise, but not as bad as leaving him on his own.

As far as the making dinner 1-2X a week, mine is bad at this too. It's most successful when I tell him to make steak or something else manly I don't usually make.

I actually think this sounds really sweet. He thought of something that you really like, that's just for you since he doesn't like it. You sound like spoiled little brat. You weren't impressed?

Jeez. Poor guy, I bet he was all happy that he thought of something you'd enjoy.

I agree. Poor fellow! PP is a piece of work!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry. My husband doesn't care about his birthday and this year for mine, he went out to get stuff for stir-fry for dinner and picked up a Wok as my gift (I like Chinese, he doesn't). I wasn't impressed.

I think the best solution is to tell him exactly what you want. It may not be a surprise, but not as bad as leaving him on his own.

As far as the making dinner 1-2X a week, mine is bad at this too. It's most successful when I tell him to make steak or something else manly I don't usually make.

You sound like a high-maintenance bitch. That was actually kind of thoughtful.

Pretty good rule of thumb: do not get a woman kitchen utensils as a gift unless she is like a Williams Sonoma fanatic

[Anonymous]

OP -- your DH sucks. Just celebrated my 22nd bday together with DH and birthdays around our house for adults or children mean special dinner picked by birthday person (at home, take out or restaurant), cards, flowers or balloons, presents (not much for adults) and cake or other special dessert. It's nice to celebrate the people you love. Why not? I don't think this is unreasonable.

And I think Miss Manners was talking about birthday parties with people outside the immediate family. And I agree with her on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I definitely need to change my expectations--which were raised pre-marriage by a very romantic partner who would go out of his way to make me feel appreciated. That all pretty much disappeared once we had kids. I would have loved to have taken the night off, actually, and just done something on my own, but someone had to be home with kids. I think in retrospect what upset me most was not that he did not plan anything special--I did that by getting the kids cupcakes, which they love--it was that he told me at 5:45 he was leaving and would be home by 6 and instead is home at 7:30 while i'm dealing with an 18 month old and 3 year old because he "got caught up with things" at work--right after he said he was leaving. It's one night he could have at least been home on time, or bothered to answer his phone when i called wondering if I should feed the kids or not. It would have pissed me off any normal night, but on my bday was just too much of a kick in the pants. I'm just exhausted all the effing time and for once wanted someone else--eg DH-- to take care of the goddamm dinner. HE promised a couple weeks ago that he would start taking over one or two nights a week, but so far nada.

Setting aside the birthday complaint for the moment, on the other thing you just need to make plans and tell him you expect him to be here Tuesday by 6 p.m. so you can do X, Y, and Z, even if X is take a walk around the HS track, Y is a cuppa at Starbucks by yourself, or Z is a trip to the dentist.

To me, this doesn't seem like it's about the birthday. It seems like OP is unhappy with the division of labor, and the birthday is yet another insult on top of that.