crappy birthday, again

[Anonymous]

FOr the past two years DH did nothing for my bday, not even a fake card from the kids (both are under 4). I mentioned last year that I was hurt, that Iwould have appreciated something--if not fancy plans, maybe take out and flowers or at least a card. THis year, he did nothing. It was a totally intense week for me--lots of late nights working. At 5 he said he could be home by 6, and that I should pick up something for dinner. So, I picked up some take out on the way home, including cupcakes. Fed the kids, bathed them, then at 7:30 I gave the kids (who were going nuts) cupcakes and put them to bed. DH got home around 7:40 with a box of "birthday pastries" and acted really pissy that I was not jumping for joy at the pastries. This comes on the heels of a long discussion of how he is going to step it up around the house and make dinner at least 1 to 2x/week, since i"m sick of it being entirely my job when we both work f/t, and I do much more around the house, etc. It just seems like all my friends do something special on their birthdays--a card and flowers, or a birthday dinner out, etc. DH's response was "well I don't expect you to do anything for my birthday" (even though I do).

[Anonymous]

You are too old to be this upset about birthdays. Buy yourself a treat, open a bottle of wine, and take a hot bath. Your husband is not going to do this for you. Do it for yourself.

[Anonymous]

This too is my birthday. Most times.

I gave up waiting for a surprise gift or card and just started buying myself something really nice on vacation (I have a summer birthday) and letting him know, "thanks for the great birthday gift!" If you are happy on other fronts and this is your only gripe, make lemonade from lemons and move along. I too was upset the first couple of times, and then I just realized that it wasn't worth the stress and the letdown.

[Anonymous]

^^ agree. Buy something fantastic. And forget his birthday. Win-win!

[Anonymous]

Sorry. My husband doesn't care about his birthday and this year for mine, he went out to get stuff for stir-fry for dinner and picked up a Wok as my gift (I like Chinese, he doesn't). I wasn't impressed.

I think the best solution is to tell him exactly what you want. It may not be a surprise, but not as bad as leaving him on his own.

As far as the making dinner 1-2X a week, mine is bad at this too. It's most successful when I tell him to make steak or something else manly I don't usually make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are too old to be this upset about birthdays. Buy yourself a treat, open a bottle of wine, and take a hot bath. Your husband is not going to do this for you. Do it for yourself.

I totally agree. I just sounds like he's not into birthdays, and he really doesn't understand the big deal.

[Anonymous]

Agree. My dh isn't quite so bad, but I do have to pick out the present and specifcally direct him to it, and decide what the event should be (dinner, outing whatever). This year I made my own cake, but I like to bake.

But omg don't remind me of the year of the toaster-for-christmas. And he tells me that a foreman grill has to be a 'present for the house' and not a personal present. Mmhmm. Never quite had an urge to smash a toaster before that. Still occasionally arises when I am toasting something several years later.

I might just cut to the bottom line and say, 'I expect you to demonstrate through your actions that you love me. I want to do this for you because I want this relationship to work because I love you, and I have an expectation or reciprocity.'

[Anonymous]

How does a 13 year old have a full time job and two kids under the age of 4?

[Anonymous]

My husband never does anything for my birthday either, but OP, you need to let it go. Next year tell him, "I'm going to do XX on Saturday to celebrate my birthday", whether it be a spa day, a night out with your friends, whatever. This past year I took myself out shopping, had a nice lunch by myself with a glass of wine, and it was lovely. Don't rely on someone else to make you happy (will always be disappointed), do it yourself.

[Anonymous]

Be direct in telling him that one of the ways that you are different from him is that you need gifts to feel loved and appreciated. Have a discussion about what you each need to feel loved, valued, appreciated and talk about how to meet each others needs even when they are foreign to you because that isn't a need you have yourself.

This conversation has to go both ways though - maybe he doesn't care about you doing something for his birthday and that there are different things you could be doing that would make him feel loved and appreciated. If you are celebrating his birthday because you like celebrations then that is no different than him doing nothing because that is what he likes.

[Anonymous]

Some of these responses really suck. The OP is not a spoiled child that needs presents or a big to-do. She wants to know that she is important to her husband. She is feeling unappreciated and unloved. She was hurt by her husband's inattention in the past, and every new birthday reminds her of this past. Her husband hears that she wants something and gets something, but did not hear that what she really needed some care and attention.

OP - you need to talk to your husband about what you want and need, or you won't get it.

[Anonymous]

Some of you posters are pretty unbelievable. I don't think it's at all unreasonable that a person should want their spouse to celebrate their birthday. Do you feel the same way about anniversaries? I honestly don't think it matters if he's "into birthdays" or not. If my husband told me that a thing was important to him, I would go out of my way to make that thing happen. If I told him that something was important to me, and he ignored it or half-assed it the way it sounds like OP's husband did, I would be that much more annoyed by the daily grind stuff.

[Anonymous]

You aren't going to change him so you need to change your expectations.

[Anonymous]

Let me guess OP, you are a millennial?

Something about this generation idealizes birthdays; before kids did you have big dinners out with all your friends?

End of day, you are a parent and the only birthdays that matter are the kids. Heck, have he time I can't remember my age and will give a kids birthday when asked for my own.

Still, DH should just sign up with an annual pro flowers delivery and make everyone happy. Though it gets hard every occasion to come up with meaningful gift after years together. In another age, women bought ties and men bought jewelry, but now the gift has to have meaning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess OP, you are a millennial?

Something about this generation idealizes birthdays; before kids did you have big dinners out with all your friends?

End of day, you are a parent and the only birthdays that matter are the kids. Heck, have he time I can't remember my age and will give a kids birthday when asked for my own.

Still, DH should just sign up with an annual pro flowers delivery and make everyone happy. Though it gets hard every occasion to come up with meaningful gift after years together. In another age, women bought ties and men bought jewelry, but now the gift has to have meaning.

Not OP. Also not a millenial. Totally reject the idea that no birthdays matter except the kids'. It also is of no consequence to how the OP feels about her own birthday whether or not you remember how old you are. I have been with my husband for 10 years. It has never been hard for me to come up with a present for him that is meaningful. What you are suggesting is that the OP basically stop caring about something that she cares about, stop feeling disregarded, and stop having any emotional needs of her own.