crappy birthday, again

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think a PP hit it on the head that I'm pissed off about the division of labor generally, and the bday rubbed salt in existing wounds .A few weeks ago, we had a come to jesus discussion about this--he agreed that I was doing way, way more than he was and that he had abdicated total responsibility for things that should be shared, and agreed that he would take over a few tasks (e.g., sorting mail, making dinner 2x/week, and cleaning one bathroom and procuring victuals). But since then absolutely nothing has changed--the dinners he was supposed to do I ended up just fixing something for the kids and skipping for myself-- and on top of it all, I'm picking up the pieces on the one day I could have reasonable expected DH to at least be in charge of getting take out or some sort of meal and being home on time to have dinner with me and the kids. Nor does he have a high powered job that requires late nights (my job is more high profile than his, but I make it a point to be home every night with my kids, I just work later after they're in bed).

I do not want expensive gifts, or things generally--i can't remember the last time DH actually bought me something besides chocolate, but he used to do things to show he appreciated me, and how much I did for us. Randomly set out a tray of wine and cheese, tell me he was taking the kids for half a day on the weekend so I could do whatever, book a babysitter for a night out. Until recently, I did all these things too--organized something really special for his last birthday, encouraged him to take a week long trip without us that he wanted to do, plan whole days that he can hang out with friends, etc....but I've stopped because its a one way street. Lately he just works until whenever, expects dinner to be magically solved (even though I too work as much as he and do not commute by car but by metro plus bus), doesn't ever want to plan a date (unless I take care of everything--eg sitter, reservations, plans he will go along with it) and doesn't seem particularly interested in romance or sex. Money's tight, so we don't go out much and don't buy expensive gifts, but just some sign of effort would be nice. So to be left on my birthday dealing with dinner, baths, bedtime, kids and not know when or whether he was coming was just too much. to add something else on top, when I'm doing our bills I find that there's an 80.00 charge from a downtown hotel bar for wednesday (which was my bday). Was he out for drinks? I don't even know what to ask him.

Ok. Forget about your birthday. This is not about your birthday. Your DH has dropped the ball and that's the issue here. But you've also dropped the ball in letting things reach this juncture. Probably you need counseling. If this were my DH, I would determine what he particularly cares about and stop doing it until he did it himself. DH likes nice clean laundry? Everyone gets their laundry done but him (if this is a chore that got stuck on you). DH likes a real dinner? Mysteriously there is no food for him when he comes home from work. Etc. This worked for me because my husband is particular and this battle was fought very early in my marriage and probably counseling would have been a better idea. It was petty and nasty but it worked and the message was sent- pull your weight around here!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are too old to be this upset about birthdays. Buy yourself a treat, open a bottle of wine, and take a hot bath. Your husband is not going to do this for you. Do it for yourself.

I totally agree. I just sounds like he's not into birthdays, and he really doesn't understand the big deal.

It doesn't matter if he's not into birthdays. If your spouse told you they were hurt by not acknowledging their birthday, it wouldn't kill you to get them a card.

People use this an excuse to be lazy. OP, maybe your husband was overloaded this week, but it really doesn't take much effort to do a little something. I'm not sure why managing expectations is just on your shoulders. He should put in a little effort.

+1000
He couldn't even get a damn card??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry. My husband doesn't care about his birthday and this year for mine, he went out to get stuff for stir-fry for dinner and picked up a Wok as my gift (I like Chinese, he doesn't). I wasn't impressed.

I think the best solution is to tell him exactly what you want. It may not be a surprise, but not as bad as leaving him on his own.

As far as the making dinner 1-2X a week, mine is bad at this too. It's most successful when I tell him to make steak or something else manly I don't usually make.

Wow. This sounds so nice and you sound like a total bit$&. Your poor husband . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP -- your DH sucks. Just celebrated my 22nd bday together with DH and birthdays around our house for adults or children mean special dinner picked by birthday person (at home, take out or restaurant), cards, flowers or balloons, presents (not much for adults) and cake or other special dessert. It's nice to celebrate the people you love. Why not? I don't think this is unreasonable.

And I think Miss Manners was talking about birthday parties with people outside the immediate family. And I agree with her on that.

Ah, millennialist and their birthday fixation. Do you still dress us for halloween? Honestly this is not meant to be snarky, the impulse to celebrate with friends is commendable. I wonder if OP is a millennial and her husband is a little older and more of the
gen x apathy?

Reading other posts, real issue is relationship based, as far as DH contributions to household. Much more than cupcakes and cards I am sad to see.

[Anonymous]

My DH is in his mid 40s. He cares an incredible amount about his birthday. I don't care about mine at all. But guess what? I care about him, so I make a huge fuss about his birthday: favorite meal, homemade cake, banner made by the kids, card and multiple gifts.

A huge part of being married is listening to and taking care of your partner's needs. My DH has more emotional needs than I can sometimes imagine. We did find therapy helpful in getting to where we are now, because I was incredible resistant to things like making a big deal about birthdays. I found it juvenile. But I changed my attitude because I love my husband. If something is important to him, I can make it important to me.

So I guess, OP, that I am recommending therapy for you two. You seem to be at an impasse.

[Anonymous]

He brought you pasties! I would be thrilled. He didn't forget.

[Anonymous]

As usual, the posters to DCUM are totally dysfunctional and can't understand that it's out of love and caring that a spouse may want to celebrate another's birthday. And that someone's feelings may be hurt if their spouse doesn't do something special on their birthday. Who called OP a 13 year old for this? Wow, wouldn't want to live in your household. Sounds really warm.

[Anonymous]

Um, I would be wondering about the 80$ hotel bar bill from your birthday! Especially since money is tight and he was so late--what the eff!??!?!

[Anonymous]

I'm the wife of a husband that gets pissy about birthdays, so I can see your husband's side of things. The birthday comes on an inconvenient day and he is already aware that nothing he does will be completely satisfactory.

Take the emotional baggage out of birthdays and enjoy them more.
1. First of all, get more help. You both work so you need help that he is not providing. Until he is willing to help more, hire or increase house cleaning help, and have them also do the laundry. Get prepared meals from a service or at least from Trader Joe's. Order in. Use a bookkeeper. Whatever it takes.
2. Never celebrate a birthday on a weekday. Agree in advance to call the nearest weekend day the official birthday.
3. Tell DH where you would like to go (restaurant) or have him prepare (steaks on the grille, champagne, whatever.) Send him an email about a show you want to see, and provide him the phone number of the babysitter. If he doesn't pull it off, fine, just rent a chick-flick that he can endure. Eventually (in a few years) he'll learn to follow your first suggestion, meanwhile enjoy his company on the couch for your movie.
4. Tell your kids to go draw something for mommy and have them give it to your husband to put in an envelope. He could draw his own picture. Waaaay better than a store-bought birthday card, and can be saved for posterity.
5. Relax and enjoy, knowing that next year will be even better because now the angst you husband feels is GONE and he will actually look forward to, rather than dread, your birthday.

[Anonymous]

I think getting upset because your husband didn't celebrate your birthday exactly the way you wanted him to is one thing.

I think getting upset because your husband was at a bar running up a bar tab instead of being at home and celebrating your birthday in some way is a whole other issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um, I would be wondering about the 80$ hotel bar bill from your birthday! Especially since money is tight and he was so late--what the eff!??!?!

Yup. What is THAT about!?

[Anonymous]

That eighty bucks at a hotel bar could have paid for a maid service

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um, I would be wondering about the 80$ hotel bar bill from your birthday! Especially since money is tight and he was so late--what the eff!??!?!

Yup. What is THAT about!?

Yup, this I'd definitely a whole other issue! Even if it was something work related and somehow had to occur that night, that's nuts. I'd look into counseling, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP -- your DH sucks. Just celebrated my 22nd bday together with DH and birthdays around our house for adults or children mean special dinner picked by birthday person (at home, take out or restaurant), cards, flowers or balloons, presents (not much for adults) and cake or other special dessert. It's nice to celebrate the people you love. Why not? I don't think this is unreasonable.

And I think Miss Manners was talking about birthday parties with people outside the immediate family. And I agree with her on that.

Ah, millennialist and their birthday fixation. Do you still dress us for halloween? Honestly this is not meant to be snarky, the impulse to celebrate with friends is commendable. I wonder if OP is a millennial and her husband is a little older and more of the
gen x apathy?

Reading other posts, real issue is relationship based, as far as DH contributions to household. Much more than cupcakes and cards I am sad to see.

I'm pretty sure she meant it's the 22nd bday *she has celebrated* with her DH. Not that she is 22 (unless she met her DH at her 1st bday party....).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think a PP hit it on the head that I'm pissed off about the division of labor generally, and the bday rubbed salt in existing wounds .A few weeks ago, we had a come to jesus discussion about this--he agreed that I was doing way, way more than he was and that he had abdicated total responsibility for things that should be shared, and agreed that he would take over a few tasks (e.g., sorting mail, making dinner 2x/week, and cleaning one bathroom and procuring victuals). But since then absolutely nothing has changed--the dinners he was supposed to do I ended up just fixing something for the kids and skipping for myself-- and on top of it all, I'm picking up the pieces on the one day I could have reasonable expected DH to at least be in charge of getting take out or some sort of meal and being home on time to have dinner with me and the kids. Nor does he have a high powered job that requires late nights (my job is more high profile than his, but I make it a point to be home every night with my kids, I just work later after they're in bed).

I do not want expensive gifts, or things generally--i can't remember the last time DH actually bought me something besides chocolate, but he used to do things to show he appreciated me, and how much I did for us. Randomly set out a tray of wine and cheese, tell me he was taking the kids for half a day on the weekend so I could do whatever, book a babysitter for a night out. Until recently, I did all these things too--organized something really special for his last birthday, encouraged him to take a week long trip without us that he wanted to do, plan whole days that he can hang out with friends, etc....but I've stopped because its a one way street. Lately he just works until whenever, expects dinner to be magically solved (even though I too work as much as he and do not commute by car but by metro plus bus), doesn't ever want to plan a date (unless I take care of everything--eg sitter, reservations, plans he will go along with it) and doesn't seem particularly interested in romance or sex. Money's tight, so we don't go out much and don't buy expensive gifts, but just some sign of effort would be nice. So to be left on my birthday dealing with dinner, baths, bedtime, kids and not know when or whether he was coming was just too much. to add something else on top, when I'm doing our bills I find that there's an 80.00 charge from a downtown hotel bar for wednesday (which was my bday). Was he out for drinks? I don't even know what to ask him.

I was just about to chime in that the division of labor is the real issue but now I think communication is the even bigger problem. I don't want to sound the alarm but the fact he said he would change and hasn't and the fact he used to do thoughtful things and stopped is screaming "Houston we have a problem". I don't want to speculate what is going on in his head because it could be anything. I personally withdraw a little when I am stressed out at work. The big problem is he isn't communicating with you and you aren't working thru it together. I think you have every right to insist if you can't work thru the communcication together on your own within the next month, you go to couples counseling. If he won't agree to either talking to you about what's going on or counseling then you have a decision to make. My perpective is if you are going to be a de-facto single parent, working full-time, doing everything, and barely spending time with your partner who is no longer the thoughtful person you married, how would this be different from being separated/divorced except then he would legally need to step up with the kids. I think if people are equally motivated to work it out and everyone understands there is a consequence to not working it out, you will work thru this. If either one person is not motivated to work it out or they don't think there will really be a consequence ... I am emphasizing the recognition of consequences because my DH is great and he does more than his fair share with the kids, but I know he will not be a doormat. If I stared working late every night and this was not the type of job that lots of OT was required, not communicating what is going on, not acknowledging his birthday, not showing appreciation for his thoughtfulness, and basically ignoring him as both a husband and a father it would not be allowed to go on forever. There would be attempts to find out what is going on, hearing his side, see if it gets better, counseling etc, but unless I am willing to split up, I would need to work through whatever is going on and communicate with him, and find some compromises where we can.