Sad for my kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what would you do for the kids if a beloved nanny left suddenly?
Or a favorite teacher?
Or a friend moved?
Or if you got divorced?

Your dad's wife is not exactly a blood relative. And relatives by marriage, or friends, or employees sometimes don't want to be with you anymore.

I think the only problem is you expecting too much of people.
She is not your mom.

Do you have a step-parent? As a step-daughter, I cannot imagine having my step-mother one day turn her back after 20 years (in my case, it has been 30 years), because we aren't related by blood. My mother is still living, so it is not a case of my step-mother stepping in. Here, this woman is a part of the family, and made herself part of the family. She was not absent for 20 years, but involved, and now has decided not to be involved.

To OP, I completely feel for you, and I know that the same thing will happen in our family one day when my half/step siblings have children. In our case, the age gap is pretty big, so we have time until my kids have cousins. What we have done so far is to establish a routine of when my step-mother will visit (my father is no longer living and she still is grandma to my kids). We have a monthly Sunday dinner without fail. If we can't do it the planned Sunday, then it becomes a pizza Wednesday the Wed or Sunday before.

Here are my constructive suggestions: (1) talk to your dad. It is one thing for your step-mother to suddenly disappear, but it is another thing for your father to be completely absent too. (2) put something on the calender -- and don't just invite, say "DC has two upcoming events, which one are you going to attend" and hold them to it.

We have three "grandmas" and one grandpa in my family, and I like to rotate who does what so that my kids have family at as many events as possible, so I calendar at the beginning of the year and send a mass email to the grandparents.

I also think it is perfectly fine to have a frank discussion with your step-mother. I sat down with mine when my dad died. It was a really hard conversation, but it had to be said. You need to tell your step-mother until she hears you that her behavior is hurtful.

And, ignore the poster above. Heck, my step-mother is more family to me than many of my blood relatives.

This will get better, but get NON-movable dates on the calendar.

Also, FWIW, my dad always cancelled on me so I stopped telling the kids when we were getting together; then when we did see him, they were thrilled.

I have a step daughter whom I don't see often though as she lives on another continent with her mom. I am always civil to her, when she is visiting I treat her like a dear guest, but I don't expect her to be very close with my son. I also will always choose my son over her- hope I will never have to choose though. She has another half brother she lives with- I think she will always prefer him, but I am fine with that.

My FIL is in his second marriage and DH's half brother is a preferred child (I never say anything to DH but I see it very clearly though they try not to show). My FIL and step MIL live far away, too, but I know that they will be much more involved with DH's half brother's kids than with ours, both because of distance and blood relations.

As for OP, I would guess she is around 35-40, so her step mother came on the scene when she was not a young child anymore. Maybe she wasn't even living with her dad! I don't think her stepmom truly thinks of her as her daughter, sorry- though of course in this culture we are not allowed to admit it. I don't know why she was so involved with op's kids- I thunk in fact it wasn't very kind if her if she knew her bio grand kids were going to be so much more important to her. But sometimes you just don't know.

I am sorry it happened, but I think it is pretty natural (as in biologically natural) and OP should now develop a relationship between her kids and their grandfather... So that he does not get too invested in his wife's grand kids, I have heard stories...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what would you do for the kids if a beloved nanny left suddenly?
Or a favorite teacher?
Or a friend moved?
Or if you got divorced?

Your dad's wife is not exactly a blood relative. And relatives by marriage, or friends, or employees sometimes don't want to be with you anymore.

I think the only problem is you expecting too much of people.
She is not your mom.

Do you have a step-parent? As a step-daughter, I cannot imagine having my step-mother one day turn her back after 20 years (in my case, it has been 30 years), because we aren't related by blood. My mother is still living, so it is not a case of my step-mother stepping in. Here, this woman is a part of the family, and made herself part of the family. She was not absent for 20 years, but involved, and now has decided not to be involved.

To OP, I completely feel for you, and I know that the same thing will happen in our family one day when my half/step siblings have children. In our case, the age gap is pretty big, so we have time until my kids have cousins. What we have done so far is to establish a routine of when my step-mother will visit (my father is no longer living and she still is grandma to my kids). We have a monthly Sunday dinner without fail. If we can't do it the planned Sunday, then it becomes a pizza Wednesday the Wed or Sunday before.

Here are my constructive suggestions: (1) talk to your dad. It is one thing for your step-mother to suddenly disappear, but it is another thing for your father to be completely absent too. (2) put something on the calender -- and don't just invite, say "DC has two upcoming events, which one are you going to attend" and hold them to it.

We have three "grandmas" and one grandpa in my family, and I like to rotate who does what so that my kids have family at as many events as possible, so I calendar at the beginning of the year and send a mass email to the grandparents.

I also think it is perfectly fine to have a frank discussion with your step-mother. I sat down with mine when my dad died. It was a really hard conversation, but it had to be said. You need to tell your step-mother until she hears you that her behavior is hurtful.

And, ignore the poster above. Heck, my step-mother is more family to me than many of my blood relatives.

This will get better, but get NON-movable dates on the calendar.

Also, FWIW, my dad always cancelled on me so I stopped telling the kids when we were getting together; then when we did see him, they were thrilled.

I have a step daughter whom I don't see often though as she lives on another continent with her mom. I am always civil to her, when she is visiting I treat her like a dear guest, but I don't expect her to be very close with my son. I also will always choose my son over her- hope I will never have to choose though. She has another half brother she lives with- I think she will always prefer him, but I am fine with that.

My FIL is in his second marriage and DH's half brother is a preferred child (I never say anything to DH but I see it very clearly though they try not to show). My FIL and step MIL live far away, too, but I know that they will be much more involved with DH's half brother's kids than with ours, both because of distance and blood relations.

As for OP, I would guess she is around 35-40, so her step mother came on the scene when she was not a young child anymore. Maybe she wasn't even living with her dad! I don't think her stepmom truly thinks of her as her daughter, sorry- though of course in this culture we are not allowed to admit it. I don't know why she was so involved with op's kids- I thunk in fact it wasn't very kind if her if she knew her bio grand kids were going to be so much more important to her. But sometimes you just don't know.

I am sorry it happened, but I think it is pretty natural (as in biologically natural) and OP should now develop a relationship between her kids and their grandfather... So that he does not get too invested in his wife's grand kids, I have heard stories...

wow, I am a step mom and I do nit think like this at all.
geez pp your attitude sucks.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry I upset you step mom PP.
I am sure I am not the only one who has this attitude as we can see from this topic.

[Anonymous]

Then their attitude sucks as well.
Why bother marrying someone with kids if you think like this.
It is not a competition, it is about relationships. Do you feel this way about adoption vs biological kids??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Then their attitude sucks as well.
Why bother marrying someone with kids if you think like this.
It is not a competition, it is about relationships. Do you feel this way about adoption vs biological kids??

Unfortunately I didn't realize what it was all about. Too late now; I will never be mean or unfriendly to my stepdaughter, but I never miss her, so to speak.
I would never adopt, but it's not my place to judge others who do.

[Anonymous]

It's not just the new grandbaby--your stepmom is also probably having a major bonding moment with her daughter, providing lots of support, etc. New babies are a lot of work and it's easy to get sucked into them. Don't think of it as a competition--talk to your dad about how you miss spending time with him and your stepmom, and brainstorm some ideas to make it easier for everyone to get together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Then their attitude sucks as well.
Why bother marrying someone with kids if you think like this.
It is not a competition, it is about relationships. Do you feel this way about adoption vs biological kids??

why bother? Because, presumably, there were no men wo kids that wer equially desirable. A vast majority of women prefers to marry men wo kids, but it doesnt always work that wAy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not just the new grandbaby--your stepmom is also probably having a major bonding moment with her daughter, providing lots of support, etc. New babies are a lot of work and it's easy to get sucked into them. Don't think of it as a competition--talk to your dad about how you miss spending time with him and your stepmom, and brainstorm some ideas to make it easier for everyone to get together.

Best advice here

[Anonymous]

As often happens, it seems like you are blaming the step parent rather than looking at your biological parents's behavior. The stepmom is busy. why can't your dad host the sleepover or Sunday afternoon visits or outings? Is he too old or disabled? If so, cant you take the kids over to his place and visit with him? Or pick him up and drive him back to your place?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Then their attitude sucks as well.
Why bother marrying someone with kids if you think like this.
It is not a competition, it is about relationships. Do you feel this way about adoption vs biological kids??

why bother? Because, presumably, there were no men wo kids that wer equially desirable. A vast majority of women prefers to marry men wo kids, but it doesnt always work that wAy.

I did not plan to marry a man with kids either, but it turned out that way for me also. But that is ok, it was watching him parent that helped me fall in in love with him and showed me the type of parent he would be when we had kids.
I understand that step-parenting is hard (understatement) but it seems that some folks have the attitude that having to do so is like an honorable mention, last place award when it comes to the type of marriage and family that they desired.
Step-parenting can be a wonderful classroom that grow you and show you the type of parent, spouse, and person of character that you can be beyond what you thought you could be and beyond the narrow definition of what you thought wanted out of life.
A lot of folks are assuming that a step-parent is going to drop the bonus (that's what I call it) step-kids and grandbabies when the biological kids and grand kids are around.
What a sad commentary, though I know a lot of folks have had this experience.
All relationships are work, no need to compare bio to step. If there are problems, issues in the relationship, try to have a conversation and work it through. So often we assume we know what is going on with the other person, and we miss the mark.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Then their attitude sucks as well.
Why bother marrying someone with kids if you think like this.
It is not a competition, it is about relationships. Do you feel this way about adoption vs biological kids??

Unfortunately I didn't realize what it was all about. Too late now; I will never be mean or unfriendly to my stepdaughter, but I never miss her, so to speak.
I would never adopt, but it's not my place to judge others who do.

I'm with you! It is about relationships and a relationship with bio is always going to be different than a relationship with step. In my case, my husband has very little say in how his sons are raised - he sees them every other weekend. Their mom decides their clothes, after school activities, what they eat, tv time, etc. They have good manners, but I disagree with them watching tv in their rooms, playing video games for so long, refusing to eat certain foods, not doing chores - and making them follow our rules 4 days of each month is not enough. Clearly, we are going to have a different relationship with our child than with my husband's two sons. I can only assume when it is time for grandchildren the relationship will be similarly different.

OP - this doesn't mean that your dad should be able to just follow his wife's lead. He should want to spend time with his grand kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Then their attitude sucks as well.
Why bother marrying someone with kids if you think like this.
It is not a competition, it is about relationships. Do you feel this way about adoption vs biological kids??

Unfortunately I didn't realize what it was all about. Too late now; I will never be mean or unfriendly to my stepdaughter, but I never miss her, so to speak.
I would never adopt, but it's not my place to judge others who do.

I'm with you! It is about relationships and a relationship with bio is always going to be different than a relationship with step. In my case, my husband has very little say in how his sons are raised - he sees them every other weekend. Their mom decides their clothes, after school activities, what they eat, tv time, etc. They have good manners, but I disagree with them watching tv in their rooms, playing video games for so long, refusing to eat certain foods, not doing chores - and making them follow our rules 4 days of each month is not enough. Clearly, we are going to have a different relationship with our child than with my husband's two sons. I can only assume when it is time for grandchildren the relationship will be similarly different.

OP - this doesn't mean that your dad should be able to just follow his wife's lead. He should want to spend time with his grand kids.

Yes it is about relationships, and yes it will be different. However, that doesn't mean a step parent who is involved with her step grandkids is going to drop them like a hot potato because the biological grandkids are now 1st place. All this depends on the relationships that have been developed.
If step-grandmom has been close to the kids, then it is likely what is probably going on is baby newness, which could easily happen with bio grandkids.

[Anonymous]

why don't you hang out with the bio grand parents. They won't turn your back on you because of family blood.

[Anonymous]

I am the controversial PP.
would like to note a couple things- first, the baby is hardly new at 11 mo.
Second, the step grandma should not have encouraged such close relations with her step grand kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the controversial PP.
would like to note a couple things- first, the baby is hardly new at 11 mo.
Second, the step grandma should not have encouraged such close relations with her step grand kids.

Huh?
Step grandparents should not have a close relationship with the grandkids?
Why?
No one should just abandon a relationship bio or step.
Find out the issue and stop assuming.
And please stop making blanket statements about step families.
Some do quite well, and don't creste sone sort of hierarchy of love.
If that happened to you, I am sorry because that is hurtful and unfair.
But that happens in bio families as well.