Sad for my kids
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Anonymous
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My dad and stepmom have been married for 20+ years. She refers to my kids as her grand kids. My kids consider her one of their grandmothers. They adore her and love spending time with her. Ever since my stepmom had her first biological grand child last year she never seems to have time for my kids. So many times we'd invite her and my dad over for dinner and she'd be an hour late because she was visiting with her grand daughter. This despite the fact that she lives only a couple of miles away from my step sister and never goes more than 2 days without seeing them or babysitting for them. Gone are the Sunday afternoons when they'd go for a visit with my dad and stepmom because she was up the night before acting as a night nurse so my step sister and brother in law could sleep. She's been promising my girls a sleep over for months, like they used to do, and hasn't followed through. I've run out of excuses when they ask when it is going to happen. We've basically stopped bothering inviting them over or to do things with us because of all the late arrivals or excuses for my stepmom not being able to because she's with the baby.
I was worried the dynamic would change once my stepsister's baby was born but I hoped it wouldn't be so bad or it would be short term. But it's just getting ridiculous and makes me so mad. |
Anonymous
| Are you sure it's not your step-sister who's feeling jealous? Or maybe your stepmom assumes her daughter may feel like your kids are somehow "more" important than her biological grandchild, and she's going out of her way to make sure her own daughter knows she's #1? Babies are exhausting and it sounds like she's just spending most of her energy now trying to help out. Maybe once the new baby is a bit older, she'll have more time for your kids. |
Anonymous
| Take a deep breath here- new territory for everyone. |
Anonymous
| How old are step's kids? They sound young (night nurse). If so, give her some time to settle down. |
Anonymous
| Bio grandchild is 11 months |
Anonymous
This. It's still baby newness and probably has less to do with the fact that it's a bio-grandchild than you are imagining. Things will calm down... just ride it out! |
Anonymous
| Are you really that surprised? |
Anonymous
| One of the reasons why I don't want my son to be too close with my FIL's wife. |
Anonymous
| It could be new baby syndrome, but it's equally likely that she just feels different about this grandchild. Sad, but could be true. Maybe time to nurture more of a direct relationship with your father? |
Anonymous
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OP, why don't you try to invite your dad alone? Since she s so tired. And busy.
And, come visit as family (ask your dad). It's your dad, she shouldn't monopolize, but try not to make it look like babysitting. Be there too. |
Anonymous
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Baby newness -- give it time
How old are your kids? Have you tried just saying hey kids miss you a lot lets make a am for you to get together. |
Anonymous
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OP, what would you do for the kids if a beloved nanny left suddenly?
Or a favorite teacher? Or a friend moved? Or if you got divorced? Your dad's wife is not exactly a blood relative. And relatives by marriage, or friends, or employees sometimes don't want to be with you anymore. I think the only problem is you expecting too much of people. She is not your mom. |
Anonymous
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FWIW, I remember going through this when my cousins were born, OP. My brother and I were the oldest grandchildren. I remember being a bit upset and jealous that Grandma's attention was not totally on me anymore. This happens in families when a new baby comes. It's not as much about the step relationship as you are making it out to be.
Is it possible to integrate them a little into the new baby relationship? Do they have a relationship with this baby? |
Anonymous
Do you have a step-parent? As a step-daughter, I cannot imagine having my step-mother one day turn her back after 20 years (in my case, it has been 30 years), because we aren't related by blood. My mother is still living, so it is not a case of my step-mother stepping in. Here, this woman is a part of the family, and made herself part of the family. She was not absent for 20 years, but involved, and now has decided not to be involved. To OP, I completely feel for you, and I know that the same thing will happen in our family one day when my half/step siblings have children. In our case, the age gap is pretty big, so we have time until my kids have cousins. What we have done so far is to establish a routine of when my step-mother will visit (my father is no longer living and she still is grandma to my kids). We have a monthly Sunday dinner without fail. If we can't do it the planned Sunday, then it becomes a pizza Wednesday the Wed or Sunday before. Here are my constructive suggestions: (1) talk to your dad. It is one thing for your step-mother to suddenly disappear, but it is another thing for your father to be completely absent too. (2) put something on the calender -- and don't just invite, say "DC has two upcoming events, which one are you going to attend" and hold them to it. We have three "grandmas" and one grandpa in my family, and I like to rotate who does what so that my kids have family at as many events as possible, so I calendar at the beginning of the year and send a mass email to the grandparents. I also think it is perfectly fine to have a frank discussion with your step-mother. I sat down with mine when my dad died. It was a really hard conversation, but it had to be said. You need to tell your step-mother until she hears you that her behavior is hurtful. And, ignore the poster above. Heck, my step-mother is more family to me than many of my blood relatives. This will get better, but get NON-movable dates on the calendar. Also, FWIW, my dad always cancelled on me so I stopped telling the kids when we were getting together; then when we did see him, they were thrilled. |
Anonymous
| PP Here. Oops, so sorry, didn't realize how long my prior post was! |