Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, what would you do for the kids if a beloved nanny left suddenly?
Or a favorite teacher?
Or a friend moved?
Or if you got divorced?
Your dad's wife is not exactly a blood relative. And relatives by marriage, or friends, or employees sometimes don't want to be with you anymore.
I think the only problem is you expecting too much of people.
She is not your mom.
Do you have a step-parent? As a step-daughter, I cannot imagine having my step-mother one day turn her back after 20 years (in my case, it has been 30 years), because we aren't related by blood. My mother is still living, so it is not a case of my step-mother stepping in. Here, this woman is a part of the family, and made herself part of the family. She was not absent for 20 years, but involved, and now has decided not to be involved.
To OP, I completely feel for you, and I know that the same thing will happen in our family one day when my half/step siblings have children. In our case, the age gap is pretty big, so we have time until my kids have cousins. What we have done so far is to establish a routine of when my step-mother will visit (my father is no longer living and she still is grandma to my kids). We have a monthly Sunday dinner without fail. If we can't do it the planned Sunday, then it becomes a pizza Wednesday the Wed or Sunday before.
Here are my constructive suggestions: (1) talk to your dad. It is one thing for your step-mother to suddenly disappear, but it is another thing for your father to be completely absent too. (2) put something on the calender -- and don't just invite, say "DC has two upcoming events, which one are you going to attend" and hold them to it.
We have three "grandmas" and one grandpa in my family, and I like to rotate who does what so that my kids have family at as many events as possible, so I calendar at the beginning of the year and send a mass email to the grandparents.
I also think it is perfectly fine to have a frank discussion with your step-mother. I sat down with mine when my dad died. It was a really hard conversation, but it had to be said. You need to tell your step-mother until she hears you that her behavior is hurtful.
And, ignore the poster above. Heck, my step-mother is more family to me than many of my blood relatives.
This will get better, but get NON-movable dates on the calendar.
Also, FWIW, my dad always cancelled on me so I stopped telling the kids when we were getting together; then when we did see him, they were thrilled.
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