Bad actions in Vegas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Married 15 years, 3 children, 2 professional jobs, very happy life with the normal ups and downs. Extremely trusting of each other. No trouble in marriage up until now.
Las Vegas trip with boys. He gets so drunk he follows a suggestion to go to a "massage parlor" that ends in sex with the lady, with a condom.
He comes home, admits to all. Very remorseful and looks like he wants to die. Went to get checked for stds.
What would you do?

Dumb for doing it, dumber for fessing up. Did he never hear "what happens in Vegas..."?

Only explanation is he's an idiot or he wants to make OP feel insecure.

[Anonymous]

How stupid must one be to confess? There's only one thing even more stupid- paying with cc and keeping the bill!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married 15 years, 3 children, 2 professional jobs, very happy life with the normal ups and downs. Extremely trusting of each other. No trouble in marriage up until now.
Las Vegas trip with boys. He gets so drunk he follows a suggestion to go to a "massage parlor" that ends in sex with the lady, with a condom.
He comes home, admits to all. Very remorseful and looks like he wants to die. Went to get checked for stds.
What would you do?

Dumb for doing it, dumber for fessing up. Did he never hear "what happens in Vegas..."?

Only explanation is he's an idiot or he wants to make OP feel insecure.

Here's one more explanation- he is chicken and just cannot own up to it. Now he confessed she is worrying, and he is in the clear (in his head).
OP, if you are smart make it a tool for guilt tripping him whenever you want something!
He is a wimp.

[Anonymous]

OP,
He could have got away without confessing. So, this marriage is worth saving. I think the no-brainers are -
1) Get the tests for STDs. 2) Therapy and counselling for both of you.

Eventually - both of you will have to agree to draw a laundry list of things that needs to be done. Both of you should be in agreement with the items on the laundry list. So for example - He may think that it is too harsh if he has to drop his friends, but agrees to not go out drinking with them, or to places like Vegas or Indy500.

What he did was a stupid mistake. A really bad mistake...but throwing away everything is an even bigger mistake. ...and making his life miserable till the end of his days is not going to serve you, him or your family in the end.

How you handle this can earn you his gratitude and respect for ever. Be very careful in how you handle this. He needs to make it up to you and he will be in probation for a long time to come...but it should be a punishment that he feels he deserves...not one you thinks he deserves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Forget it. Go to marriage therapy if you need to.

But if you do this, you don't lord it over him for the next 5 years and have it erode your marriage slowly. If you think the end is splitting up, rip off the bandage today.

And, can I say ... ewwwww? I don't think I'd feel cheated on, but I do think I'd have a hard time with losing my respect totally for my partner. I mean, we all make mistakes, but ...... eeeeewwwwww!

That's bull about ripping off the bandage. OP, you can control your recovery. No one else gets to set a time limit on your healing. Your DH should do whatever you ask of him that helps you, including marriage counseling, stopping drinking, etc. The average time for a couple of recover from infidelity is 2-5 years. You may well obsess over it, and that is okay. He should listen, answer questions, etc. He drove this train off the tracks; it is his responsibility to right it. You don't have to make any decisions immediately. Take your time.

And get over to survivinginfidelity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Forget it. Go to marriage therapy if you need to.

But if you do this, you don't lord it over him for the next 5 years and have it erode your marriage slowly. If you think the end is splitting up, rip off the bandage today.

And, can I say ... ewwwww? I don't think I'd feel cheated on, but I do think I'd have a hard time with losing my respect totally for my partner. I mean, we all make mistakes, but ...... eeeeewwwwww!

That's bull about ripping off the bandage. OP, you can control your recovery. No one else gets to set a time limit on your healing. Your DH should do whatever you ask of him that helps you, including marriage counseling, stopping drinking, etc. The average time for a couple of recover from infidelity is 2-5 years. You may well obsess over it, and that is okay. He should listen, answer questions, etc. He drove this train off the tracks; it is his responsibility to right it. You don't have to make any decisions immediately. Take your time.

And get over to survivinginfidelity.

Being perpetually angry and lording it over him for the next 5 years isn't going to help matters.

If her healing is going to take 10+ years and she is going to lose all desire/respect for him? Then they're better off apart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How stupid must one be to confess? There's only one thing even more stupid- paying with cc and keeping the bill!

Yeah I'm the DW who found the bill. I couldn't believe he was dumb enough to keep it for 6 months! I found it at his office when I did a search (he had fessed to lesser evils when I found deleted texts on his phone but I was afraid there was more to it).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Forget it. Go to marriage therapy if you need to.

But if you do this, you don't lord it over him for the next 5 years and have it erode your marriage slowly. If you think the end is splitting up, rip off the bandage today.

And, can I say ... ewwwww? I don't think I'd feel cheated on, but I do think I'd have a hard time with losing my respect totally for my partner. I mean, we all make mistakes, but ...... eeeeewwwwww!

That's bull about ripping off the bandage. OP, you can control your recovery. No one else gets to set a time limit on your healing. Your DH should do whatever you ask of him that helps you, including marriage counseling, stopping drinking, etc. The average time for a couple of recover from infidelity is 2-5 years. You may well obsess over it, and that is okay. He should listen, answer questions, etc. He drove this train off the tracks; it is his responsibility to right it. You don't have to make any decisions immediately. Take your time.

And get over to survivinginfidelity.

Being perpetually angry and lording it over him for the next 5 years isn't going to help matters.

If her healing is going to take 10+ years and she is going to lose all desire/respect for him? Then they're better off apart.

Who said perpetually angry? Who said lording it over him?

Are you perhaps a cheater who has failed to help your spouse heal? Because you sound unbelievably defensive.

[Anonymous]

Wow, he came home and told you??? That says a lot. I'd think only a small percent of men who do the same thing would feel guilty, let alone confess. The fact that he has a conscience is a good thing.

[Anonymous]

Hasn't your husband ever heard that "What Happens in Vega$ Stays in Vega$??!"

On one hand, I give him credit for actually coming clean to you on his own. That shows he actually feels tremendous guilt for what he did and was responsible enough to own up to it.

On the other hand, your husband penetrated another female which wouldn't sit well w/me at all.

It's your decision OP, but I don't see how your marriage can survive this.
Your husband betrayed you in the worst way a person can ever betray another and the trust has been eroded for good.

I know you have three children and fifteen yrs together, but this is serious.

So sorry he did this to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, he came home and told you??? That says a lot. I'd think only a small percent of men who do the same thing would feel guilty, let alone confess. The fact that he has a conscience is a good thing.

I think he unburdened himself and took the easy way out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hasn't your husband ever heard that "What Happens in Vega$ Stays in Vega$??!"

On one hand, I give him credit for actually coming clean to you on his own. That shows he actually feels tremendous guilt for what he did and was responsible enough to own up to it.

On the other hand, your husband penetrated another female which wouldn't sit well w/me at all.

It's your decision OP, but I don't see how your marriage can survive this.
Your husband betrayed you in the worst way a person can ever betray another and the trust has been eroded for good.

I know you have three children and fifteen yrs together, but this is serious.

So sorry he did this to you.

While you are right about it taking time (and effort on his part) to rebuild trust you are mistaken on this being the worst possible form of betrayal. I can think of several far worse forms.

In order for this to work the OP has to be able to forgive - even if that takes time - and not use this as a source of "remember when you....."

And her husband has to understand he deserves not trust and will have to earn it back by even avoiding anything that could be taken as improper

Both have to work on it. Its not fair to the OP because she did nothing wrong but it takes effort from both partners in a situation like this to salvage it,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married 15 years, 3 children, 2 professional jobs, very happy life with the normal ups and downs. Extremely trusting of each other. No trouble in marriage up until now.
Las Vegas trip with boys. He gets so drunk he follows a suggestion to go to a "massage parlor" that ends in sex with the lady, with a condom.
He comes home, admits to all. Very remorseful and looks like he wants to die. Went to get checked for stds.
What would you do?

Dumb for doing it, dumber for fessing up. Did he never hear "what happens in Vegas..."?

Only explanation is he's an idiot or he wants to make OP feel insecure.

You really need to confess these days. The risk of disease is just too great. To continue the deception would be continued disrespect of his wife.

[Anonymous]

Hang on a sec. I think we're missing a big part of this-- he went to a spa, so presumably paid for a spa service (massage)... did he also pay for the sex? like he paid for the "massage" aka sex - or both?

[Anonymous]

Maybe I am in the minority, but I would not treat this like a big unpardonable sin. One drunken encounter with a prostitute, with a condom, and he tearfully confesses? Marriage is long, and that is pretty much the least harmful infidelity imaginable.